I can see it in their eyes. We are on a second generation of young families in our neighborhood. For many of the families, sports have been a major focus. So I get a bird’s eye view of how some parents try to teach, or in this case, coach their kids. They mean well, but the words and methods they use are driving a wedge between them and their kids. I literally can see it in the eyes of their children as they begin shutting down emotionally when their parents “instruct them”.
Now, mind you, these aren’t bad parents or they wouldn’t care about how their children are doing. They are trying to help, but unbeknownst to them, their methods are actually hurting their relationship with their kids.
Thankfully, a few tweaks could change everything. Here’s what to keep in mind the next time you try to teach your child something.
- Just because you know how to do something well, doesn’t necessarily mean you know how to teach someone else how to do it. Teaching is an art and a science. I remember one of my education classes spent a lot of time teaching us how to figure out what a student was thinking by the types of errors they made on a math assignment. I’ve had people teach me sport skills where an extremely minor adjustment in my pinkie position meant a huge leap of improvement in how well I executed an entire skill set. Unless you were trained to teach whatever it is you are teaching, you are learning how to teach as much as your child is learning the skill.
- Many coaches are horrible teachers, too. If you are modeling your demeanor after an old coach, you are very likely mirroring toxic teaching. Yelling, cursing and berating are not helpful when trying to teach someone how to do something well, but many coaches think it is.
- Partner with your child. YouTube can be really helpful. Find videos that teach the skill from a master teacher in the topic. Watch it together, then help your child practice it.
- Watch your tone. You’ve probably said it to your kids a thousand times. It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Frustration and anger in your tone doesn’t make the situation pleasant or your coaching helpful. If you can’t control your tone, it’s probably time for a break.
- Watch your attitude. Acting like a know-it-all, being demeaning, making your child feel stupid or less than for having failed to previously master the skill….. a bad attitude sets up your teaching or coaching session as a major wedge in your relationship.
- Celebrate the process and incremental improvements. Mastering anything takes time and practice. If your child is struggling, encouraging words are a balm to the soul.
- Know when to hire someone or ask for help. If you know you and your kids are going to struggle emotionally for you to teach a skill, consider asking someone else to teach your child. Perhaps another parent or a friend of yours would love to help. Or maybe it’s time to hire a tutor or other expert. It may be worth saving your relationship with your child to pay someone else to teach them.
Don’t be afraid to teach your child or coach your kids. Just remember that your relationship is more important than them mastering any skill.