As a Christian parent, you are probably teaching your children to be kind and loving to everyone. Which is absolutely what you should be doing. It’s important, however, to also teach them how to be discerning in their friendships.
While that sounds counter-Christian, even Jesus had different layers of intimacy with various people. He was closer to his Apostles than he was to other people. He had a special friendship with Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He wasn’t as close to Judas as he was to John. And there were reasons for each one of those choices. Of course he was closer to John, because he knew John loved him and he could trust him (as far as we know, John was the only Apostle at the crucifixion). Judas, on the other hand, was stealing money from their funds and he knew would later betray him.
While your children should be loving and kind to everyone, granting certain intimacies to the wrong people can hurt them in multiple ways. It can lead to betrayals that range from gossip to allowing themselves to be convinced to do things they shouldn’t (which can at times lead to injury, trouble with authorities or even death).
Discernment is a biblical principle. Hebrews 5:14 tells us that a sign of spiritual maturity is discernment – the ability to distinguish between what is good and what is evil. While the children who can cause your kids trouble are not necessarily going to rise to the level of evil, they can still cause them a lot of pain and trouble.
So how do you teach your kids discernment when it comes to friendship? It begins by teaching them about three levels of friendship.
- Best friends. There is no limit to the number of best friends one can have. The trick is not in the number, but in the choosing. Best friends should be people your kids can trust to keep a secret. People who have their best interests at heart – whether it’s standing up for them or encouraging them to be the best they can be. Best friends are encouragers, supporters, nurturers. They can also be fun and have interests in common, even though those things aren’t mandatory. Of course the very best friends will be Christians. Why? Because if God is the most important thing in the lives of your children and their best friends, they will hopefully be operating from a biblical worldview. Having friends who understand why your kids make unpopular choices and make the same ones themselves can make the teen years so much easier for your children.
- Friends. These are often people your children enjoy spending time with doing similar activities. Often they haven’t risen to the level of best friend because they haven’t known them long enough to know whether or not they can be trusted, they don’t have enough in common or they enjoy being together but your child knows they can’t keep secrets or aren’t supportive during tough times.
- Acquaintances. This is everybody else. Your children should be kind and loving to these people – regardless. They shouldn’t do things they know will be hurtful to them. Some acquaintances may later become friends and some will stay at this level – and that’s okay. Jesus didn’t become close to everyone he met, but he was kind and loving to them, served them and taught them what God wanted them to know. Jesus didn’t need to be everyone’s best friend in order to help them get to Heaven.
Have constant conversations about friendship with your kids. Because at their age, friendships can help determine the choices they make that can impact the rest of their lives.