Raising Teachable (Christian) Kids

Ask any educator what makes a successful student and the answer could be summed up in one word – teachable. Have you ever tried to teach something to someone who had no intention of learning from you? It is one of the most frustrating experiences you will ever have. You can be the best, most successful educator that has ever lived, but you cannot force someone to learn what you are trying to teach them.

There are natural consequences built in when a student in school refuses to learn. If bad grades aren’t motivation enough, there may also be disciplinary consequences imposed by school leaders to emphasize the importance of being teachable. For children and teens who are being taught about God and the Bible in church classes, however, there don’t appear to be any immediate consequences. Grades aren’t given. Parents don’t seem to care enough to even do much when their children aren’t being taught anything of value, much less examine whether or not they are learning what is being taught.

Or you and your spouse may have found yourself frustrated when trying to teach your children about God at home. They may seem uninterested in learning what you are trying to teach them or are perhaps openly antagonistic about your attempts to teach. It may feel like a hopeless situation. Your kids can’t become faithful, productive Christians if they don’t know who God is and what He expects from them.

Whether or not your children are teachable has more to do with their character than what is being taught. Focusing on this list of character traits and behaviors will make it easier for you and others to teach your children about God (or about math for that matter.) Teachable children and teens are….

  1. Good listeners. If your children don’t listen carefully when they are being instructed, much of the information will be missed. There are lots of fun activities you can do to help improve your children’s listening skills.
  2. Humble. If your children think they are smarter than the person teaching them, they will rarely learn anything. Regularly reinforce that everyone has something to teach us – even if it is an example of how not to live our lives. They can only learn these sometimes critical lessons if they are humble.
  3. Curious. Learning is fueled by curiosity and master teachers know how to get students curious about a topic. If your kids are encouraged to be naturally curious, however, it won’t matter if their teacher knows how to spark their curiosity. They will already be curious.
  4. Tenderhearted. A tenderhearted child wants to please God. They want to learn how to please God. A child whose heart is hardening doesn’t care how God feels or about learning what He might want from them.
  5. Independent learners. Studies have shown young people need to be engaged spiritually an average of 14 hours a week in order to grow to be faithful, productive Christians as adults. They can’t possibly get it all from Bible classes or even you. They need to be independently engaged in spiritual disciplines like reading scripture, prayer, meditating on scripture, etc.
  6. ”Growth mindset.” For our purposes, this means that they are aware God wants them to continue to grow spiritually. They will never reach perfection, but they should always remain focused on growing as Christians.
  7. Life long learners. Connected to having a growth mindset, a life long learner realizes there is always something new to learn, understand or practice in the Bible – even if they have read it many times.
  8. Motivated to please God. The motivation to learn scripture like one would a subject in school will only help to a point. To really learn and use what God wants them to requires a strong motivation to please God – even when it is counter cultural, causes problems in their lives or goes against what they selfishly desire.

Are you raising teachable children? Working on this list of attributes can make it much more likely your children will learn and use what God wants them to know and live.

Top FAQ’s Parents Have About Their Child’s Baptism

Read through the book of Acts and it becomes clear that baptism was meant to be an informed choice a person made. It was among other things an acknowledgement of personal sin, repentance, a declaration of Jesus as Lord and a commitment to follow Jesus for the rest of one’s life. Early church history confirms that baptism was for many years only available to those old enough to make an informed decision. Infant baptism was the byproduct of high infant mortality and not part of God’s original plan. (The first infant baptism was in the year 160 – long after the Apostles had died.) The idea of baptism as merely a membership rite occurred even later.

If you want biblical baptism for your children, it means it has to be their decision. They have to be old enough to understand what they are doing as well as any adult might and be capable of making the same declarations and commitments. This is sometimes referred to as the age of accountability. With the extension of childhood and adolescence well into adulthood, the idea of an age of accountability creates a lot of questions. While I would never claim to speak for God, here are my best informed answers to questions you may have about your child’s baptism. They are based on scriptures where I can find them, but also decades of experience in working with parents and their children as well as official research on the topic.

  1. What is the age of accountability? This term is not found in the Bible. It is based on the Jewish tradition that we see displayed in the story of Jesus at the Temple as a 12 year old. Historically 12 (now 13 for boys and 12 for girls) years old was the age at which Jewish boys (now boys and girls) were to take responsibility for their own spiritual life. While there is no hard and fast age for the age of accountability, most believe it to be about that same age for the average child.
  2. Does the current immaturity of young people mean the age of accountability is older? This is totally my personal opinion, but I believe Christians should be counter-cultural and raise mature children. Nothing good comes from a young adult delaying adult behaviors and living a life filled with primarily leisure and self indulgence. God calls us to be our best selves – to mirror His image and that is not an image of delayed maturity. In fact, Paul in 1 Corinthians 3:1-3 reprimands Christians who are doing things that delay their spiritual maturing. That being said, an immature child or teen will be more likely to delay a decision on baptism. It does not mean that God’s definition of the age when a particular individual is ready to make that choice has changed based on his or her intentional delayed maturity.
  3. How young is too young to be baptized? Once again, this varies from child to child. It is the rare child who has enough knowledge, understanding and maturity to make the decision at age eight or nine, but there are children who have made the commitment at that age and honored it throughout their lifetime. The key is not the chronological age, but understanding the motivation behind wanting to be baptized. Often young children are taken with the idea of the extra attention or the baptism act itself rather than feeling a spiritual desire and need to be baptized.
  4. My child is in his or her late teens and hasn’t been baptized. Should I be concerned? Unfortunately, even with the delayed maturity that is so common today, a child in his or her late teens who has not decided to become a Christian is a major concern. Less than 20% of Christians were baptized after the age of 18 (in the U.S.). While this is also a critique of our poor evangelism, it provides an indication of the importance of making the decision before adulthood. Assuming your child has been raised in a faithful Christian home with regular exposure to the Bible, delaying baptism can be a sign of rebellion against God in either its beginning or sadly, entrenched stages.
  5. Should I pressure my child into being baptized? “Pressure” is a word with many possible interpretations. I have found it to be helpful to ask older children and teens what their thoughts are regarding baptism and what they think they will need to make an informed decision about it. Scaring or forcing a child into baptism is ultimately useless, because it is not about just being immersed in water, but your child having a repentant heart and wanting to obey and follow God. If the heart is not involved, the baptism probably does your child as much good as jumping into a swimming pool might.
  6. How can I delay my child when I’ve decided he or she is too young, without causing my child to lose all interest? I have seen this happen too many times. Often the parent has decided the child is too young based on some random age rather than actually discussing baptism and studying with the child. When this happens, the child becomes frustrated and many will give up rather than wait and meet some imaginary standard they may or may not ever achieve. Our baptism study is designed to allow you to continue to study with the children who are truly too young and do fun activities with them to explore the topic to delay them a bit without actually denying them and frustrating their interest in becoming a Christian.
  7. Am I qualified to study baptism with my children? The Bible gives lots of examples of all sorts of people teaching others how to become a Christian. Any Christian is allowed and encouraged to share their faith with anyone – including their own children. Some parents still have concerns that they are teaching everything they should. We have created a free baptism study with leader’s guide that many parents have used in order to study baptism with their children more confidently.
  8. Should I ask another Christian to study baptism with my child? While you can study with your child, in some cases, it may not be the best option. If you and your child have a difficult relationship in general, if your child’s life has circumstances that may have made baptism a more difficult decision (traumatic experiences, etc.) or if your child has questions that are too difficult for you to feel confident answering, you may want your child to study with another strong Christian. Some parents will also choose to do this because they want a “second opinion” of sorts that their child is indeed ready for baptism.
  9. My child is definitely ready to become a Christian, but I want to delay the baptism for a few weeks/months so someone special can be present or so my child can be baptized on a particular day like a birthday. Is this okay? The examples in Acts clearly show that there was not much of a delay between the decision to follow Christ and the actual baptism by immersion. We have to assume there is an important reason for that. While it’s probably okay to wait a day or two for a service (most churches will gladly provide access to their baptistery any time day or night that it is needed) if you and your child would prefer to do it then, waiting weeks or months can be problematic. We don’t know for sure how God would handle it if something catastrophic happened in between the decision and the baptism, but to your child, delaying baptism can make it seem less important and more like an initiation rite than the serious, life changing repentance and commitment that it was meant to be.
  10. My child with special needs wants to be baptized and become a Christian. Is he or she capable of making that decision? Children and teens with special needs should be given the same opportunities to learn about and participate in baptism as any other older child or teen. One researcher estimated that about 80% of people with special needs will be able to make an informed decision about baptism at some point in their lives. His research was based on an educational formula of being able to understand the necessary information and make a rational informed decision. Using this formula means that children with below average IQs will most likely reach the age of accountability several years later than their peers, but unless their IQ is incredibly low (below 50), it should not be assumed they are incapable of becoming a Christian. (It is important to note that non-verbal children often have IQ estimates that are incorrectly low. I have known of non-verbal young people who were more than capable of making an informed decision on baptism. Often they are frustrated they cannot communicate their intentions in a way so that others understand and will allow them to be baptized.) Many do not become Christians because they are not given the information and accessibility needed to become a Christian.

Have more questions or need a resource to help you study baptism with your child? Our free baptism study with leader guide has everything most parents need to study baptism with their children. May God bless you and your child as you discuss and study baptism together. It is the most important decision your child will ever make.

Involving Your Children In Adult Ministry Projects

Talk to any Christian parent of adult children actively engaged in serving and ministering to others and they will tell you they involved their children in their ministry projects from almost infancy. Their children grew up serving and sharing their faith with others as much of their identity as other family priorities. Why? Because not only did their parents live their faith on a daily basis, they included them in their personal ministry in age appropriate ways as early as the toddler years.

Now if you weren’t raised in a home like that, you may wonder how it is even possible. How can parents include an eighteen month old in a project serving an inner city ministry or engage a three or four year old on a mission trip? It’s not only possible, but you may already know families doing that very thing who can help you do what they did. Until you identify them, here are some tips to get you started.

  1. What things are your children capable of doing? Can they hand you items? Move things from one place to another? Clean? Paint? Code a computer program or app? Knowing your children’s capabilities can make it easier to involve them in ways that benefit both them and the ministry project.
  2. What tasks are required to complete the ministry project? Older children and teens may be capable of completing tasks independently, while toddlers may only be able to assist you with one part of a task. When our daughter was barely over a year old, she would put cans from our church pantry shelves into a box to transport them to the urban ministry. Yes, I still needed to neaten them a bit, but she took an active role.
  3. Teach them skills they can use to help. Relatively young children can help with tasks that are more advanced if they are taught how to do them and given practice. For things like sewing or computer coding, you can even pay someone to teach them skills that interest them, but you yourself don’t have.
  4. Allow extra time and build in time for regular meals and rest times. The biggest mistake groups make when involving children or teens in service and mission work is that they push them too hard. When young people are hungry or tired, the behavior problems begin to surface and the entire project can become a nightmare. It’s better to take an extra few hours or days to complete a project with everyone well fed on healthy food and well rested. The results will be much better – both on the project and in making an impact on your children.
  5. Let them help in the planning process. Families with young adult children actively engaged in ministry from childhood often report that their children can plan and execute sophisticated ministry projects as teens and young adults. Why? Because their parents involved them in the planning process as children. Start out by giving them two acceptable options between which they can decide and that are part of the plan for the project. As they grow older, give them more ownership of the planning process. By their teen years, most will be capable of planning and executing at least a simple service project if they have been involved in planning with you since childhood.
  6. Let them meet and get to know the people they are serving as much as possible. Relationships make serving others more meaningful. Meeting and growing to love the people your family serves can lead to your children developing a passion for ministry that children who only do service projects where they never meet the people they served never develop.
  7. Spend time in reflection with them after a ministry project. What went well? What would you do differently next time? Did you have the outcome you expected? Why or why not? How did you see God working within the project to change or modify it as you went? What additional opportunities did God give you? What roadblocks did you encounter? Were they from God or Satan? How do you know? What do you do in each situation? Reflection helps them understand the thought processes needed in enhancing ministry projects and accomplishing the goals God has for them.

Involving your children in your ministry projects takes extra time and effort, but it is worth it to raise children who are actively involved in serving others and sharing their faith as adults.

Teaching Your Children About Manipulation

Children seem to be born knowing how to manipulate others. Studies have shown even relatively young babies can learn to manipulate adults with their cries. While no one would accuse an infant of being manipulative, it can be pretty easy for children to realize that certain behaviors will get others to do what you want them to do.

Left unaddressed, manipulation can quickly become a standard way of operating in life. While your children may feel as if they are getting everything they want using their manipulation tactics of choice, they are actually losing something far more valuable – healthy, loving relationships in their lives. It is important that parents not only recognize, but also point out and correct their children when they attempt to manipulate others.

First, we need to understand what types of behaviors are used to manipulate others. Some of these are particularly common in children, while others are more typical of hard core adult manipulators. (As your children reach dating age, they need to understand and be able to recognize these behaviors as they are often warning signs of a potentially abusive person in a romantic relationship.) Here are the behaviors most experts list as manipulative:

  1. Lying
  2. Denying something is true
  3. Crying and emotional outbursts like tantrums (It’s important to note that not all crying is manipulative. A child crying from hunger, pain, etc. is not being manipulative and should have his or her needs met and/or be comforted.)
  4. Passive aggressive behaviors
  5. Gas lighting (Trying to convince the other person an alternate reality is true, usually wherein the other person caused the gas lighter to behave in a negative way.)
  6. Silent treatment
  7. Threats
  8. Name calling
  9. Extreme or unmerited criticism
  10. Over reaction
  11. Verbal abuse
  12. Yelling
  13. Cursing
  14. Withholding affection
  15. “Love bombing” (over the top romantic gestures in a new relationship – often a key warning sign of a narcissist and/or abusive person)
  16. Blaming
  17. Whining

See a few behaviors that sound familiar? Since manipulation is rarely dealt with in parenting, chances are pretty strong you were never corrected for manipulating others as a child and use some manipulative behaviors yourself. So why does manipulation cause problems in relationships? Why should you take the time and trouble to correct and teach your children or clean up your own manipulative behaviors – especially when they can be so helpful in getting us what we want?

It is important to note as Christians two important factors. The first is that many manipulation techniques at their heart are some form of lying. The Bible tells us in multiple places that God abhors lying and liars. While that alone is problematic, the other issue is that God calls us to love other people the way He loves us – with agape love. Agape, or the highest form of pure love, seeking the best for others – would never try to manipulate others for selfish desires (or even under the guise of in the best interest of others). Manipulation is just not something a Christian should be known for doing.

Even secular researchers have a rather lengthy list of the problems that can be caused when one person manipulates another – especially on a regular basis.

  1. The manipulator is known as a liar.
  2. It is difficult to trust someone who manipulates others.
  3. Others may change their behaviors to satisfy the manipulator without changing the underlying attitudes or beliefs the manipulator really wanted to change.
  4. Instead of having the joy attached to earning or deserving positive things, manipulators know they actually tricked others into giving them to them.
  5. Others begin to doubt themselves and feel anxious around manipulators.
  6. It takes away the ability of others to voice their true feelings, emotions and/or beliefs.
  7. Others feel as if they are always “walking on eggshells” around manipulators and can never truly relax and be themselves.

If you want your children to live the Christian life God wants for them – including having healthy, loving relationships – you need to teach them about manipulation and help them eradicate it from their lives. And since your children often imitate you – take the time to rid your life of manipulation as well.

What To Do When Your Kids Say Something Outrageous (i.e. Wrong!)

When was the last time you learned some little tidbit that was fun, interesting or exciting? Remember that feeling of wanting to share the information with someone so they could get excited or amused with you? What happened? Did the person respond in a less than enthused manner or with outright derision at your tidbit? How did that make you feel?

Chances are it didn’t feel so great. Even though you are an adult with somewhat healthy self esteem, a part of you was disappointed, embarrassed or perhaps even angry or upset at the negative reaction. If the response included a personal insult, you probably aren’t inclined to share anything with that person again.

Your children are exposed to a lot of new information every day. Some of it is learned in the educational process. They may pick up new information from new experiences, things they read or social media. Some of that information is true and helpful. Some isn’t true, but believing it doesn’t have a lot of negative consequences. Sometimes, however, the information they learn is wrong and may have consequences that range from minor to deadly if they believe and act on it.

As parents, we are busy. It feels like the list of what we need to do never ends. So when we see a shortcut we can take that will save us some time, we try to take it to give ourselves margin. And what saves more time than cutting off your child who is speaking nonsense as if it were wisdom and tell them immediately their information is wrong, while also supplying the correct information?

It may save you time, but it begins chipping away at your relationship with your children. In their minds, not only did you not really listen to what they had to say, you interrupted them and made them feel stupid. While, I’m hopeful you didn’t actually say that the information or they themselves were stupid, that’s what your kids felt like. And if your tone and body language were dismissive as you corrected them, the damage is even worse. Children who are already leaning towards rebellious behavior will tend to double down on their original statement – even if they know you are probably correct in your assessment of its weaknesses.

You don’t want your children to go around believing incorrect information, much less acting upon it or sharing it with others. So how can you correct the information they have shared without making matters worse? Sometimes the best technique is to give them openings that encourage them to dig a little deeper and discover the error in their statements through a guided thought process.

Start by using one of the following statements or questions.

  1. Tell me more.
  2. That’s an interesting perspective. Where did you learn about it?
  3. Hmmm. Is there any evidence or research to support that statement?
  4. Why do you think that is true?
  5. Do you know if the Bible has anything to say about that?

It is crucial that while asking these questions you muster all of the humility and mutual respect you can in your tone and demeanor. Who knows? Although the original statement may be far from true, there may be little bits of information connected to it that will teach you something new.

Be interested in the responses your children give to you. Ask follow up questions. Suggest other places they can research that might have better data or more accurate information. Offer to read the materials they read if you have the time. (Sometimes the original information was correct, but your children misunderstood what they read.) When you sense they feel heard, then and only then should you begin introducing your side of the “debate”.

Humbly (this is key), mention that you have come to a different conclusion based on the information, knowledge and experience you possess. Sum up quickly the bulk of the information you know that led to your differing conclusion. If your children want to continue the conversation, you can share more information or give them things to read or watch that will educate them.

It’s important to remember that many debates are about opinion – not Truth or even truth. Pick your battles. Let your children have their own opinion about things that don’t really matter. Save your corrections for spiritual matters and other crucial information. Most importantly, follow the rules of debate – no name calling or yelling, don’t talk over your child, take turns speaking and yield the floor back to your child regularly, allow your child to amend his or her original statement with dignity, extend comfort and grace when your children realize their statements are incorrect and applaud their willingness to hear what you had to say and consider the evidence with discernment. Don’t let the outrageous statements your kids make undermine your relationship or your ability to parent them. Hopefully, they will give you the same respect and grace when you say something outrageous!