Did someone ever say to you, ”It’s not what you said, but how you said it”? The ”how you said it” means your attitude, your body language, the tone in your voice. It is possible to say the words ”I love you” and make the person believe we really meant to say ”I hate you”. While the words we say to our children are vitally important, our tone may or may not communicate the same message as our words.
Often people are unaware of the tone they project to others. This can be especially true with our children – who may also may be more sensitive to tone than adults. Tone is often tricky when we correct our children because we can unknowingly reflect the same tone our parents used with us – including the very phrases and facial expressions we promised ourselves we would never use with our own children.
It is important to understand that a firm tone is fine when giving correction – assuming there is love behind the firmness that is well known in normal communications with your children. Overly harsh, angry and disgusted tones should be avoided whenever possible. A sarcastic tone is tricky. Not only can it go over the heads of your children, but if they adopt your tone and use it with other adults, they will often be considered disrespectful.
Remember, when you are tired, hungry or having a bad day, it will be easier for you to slip into tones that actually undermine your parenting. It is also possible to get into bad habits and find it difficult to switch back to using more supportive, loving tones. Unsure what tones you are using? Ask your spouse or other adults who see you interact with your kids. Or if you are really brave – ask your kids (bonus – understanding tone will help them in literature class!). Don’t let your tone undermine what you are trying to accomplish in your parenting.