Category: Encouragement

Are Your Conversations With Other Adults Hurting Your Children?

We need to bring back some old adages you don’t hear much any more. One I always thought was a little strange was, “Little pitchers have big ears”. I have to admit, I am still not sure what jugs with big handles have to do with the topic of eavesdropping children, but the adage should be repeated often to parents and other adults. Not following this wisdom (from a man named John Heywood in 1546) leads to more brokenness in children than most adults understand.

Many adults believe that conversations with other adults in front of small children are not understood by little ones. Other adults think that if they can’t physically see a child, then the child can’t hear them. Or that if children are engaged in an activity, they aren’t aware of what is being said. Most adults seem to have the mistaken belief that children will understand their sarcastic comments as humor or that the adults were just upset and venting their feelings rather than actually believing what they are saying to their peers. Or more commonly these days, they believe social media posts about their frustrations in parenting will never be seen by their children.

The truth is that little pitchers do indeed have big ears. They are very much aware of many of the negative things you say and write about them. If they don’t have access to some of that information now, they will seek it out or stumble upon it when they are a little older. Those words said in an attempt to update friends and relatives, to get advice from other parents or as an attempt at being funny can negatively impact your children’s self image and undermine your relationship with them. Sadly, for some children, those comments can also begin destroying their faith in God.

Most of the time you will never know this has happened. They won’t usually come to you and complain that you were talking about them in negative ways to your friends. They just hurt emotionally. If it happens often enough, those hurts will start collecting and grow into emotional scars that may impact them for the rest of their lives. (At times, one particularly hurtful comment can have the same impact.) No matter how pure your motives may have been or whether or not they understood the conversation or its context correctly, damage has been done. Damage you can’t repair, because you don’t even realize it is there.

This doesn’t mean you can’t vent in healthy ways to friends or family or get their parenting advice. In fact, you need to do those things to be the best Christian parent possible. The key is choosing the times and places these conversations occur. If you are about to say anything about your children that may sound to them as critical or may make them think that you somehow don’t love them, please be 100% sure they will not hear you or read what you have written or posted now, or in the future. (Note: If you are remembering past negative social media posts, take some time to delete them.)

If you realize they may have heard you or they confront you, apologize. Empathize with them by imaging how you would feel if you heard someone important to you talking about you negatively. Make amends if it is possible. Regularly say positive things about your children to other adults when you know they can hear you. Put affirming love notes on their pillow or in their lunch box. You love and adore your children – even when they frustrate or upset you. Just make sure they know it, too.

Aligning Family Priorities, Goals and Activities

I would imagine if you were to ask any Christian parents what their number one goal for their children is, they would reply that they want their children to grow up to be strong Christians and to spend eternity in Heaven. (Or at least, I would hope that would be the response.) But our minister said something yesterday about Zacchaeus that got me thinking. Making money and having nice things had been important to Zacchaeus, even though it appears he considered himself religious enough to be interested in seeing Jesus. His top goal until the sycamore tree encounter had been making the large amounts of money common in his occupation.

Is our top goal really earning a lot of money and having lots of nice things? Or perhaps our most important goals have been those we have for our children – to help them get the type of job that will give them financial security and wealth? Or has some other goal actually become more important than our children’s spiritual growth and health?

It is said that one way to really understand your priorities is to see where you spend the most time and money. It makes sense. A “foodie” probably buys all of the best kitchen equipment and ingredients. He or she most likely spends a lot of time looking through cookbooks, finding the best restaurants or making their own edible creations. A “foodie’s” budget and time would be skewed towards those items and pursuits connected to food in some way.

Sit down with your kids and examine how each of you spends time and money. What “wins” out over God? Is it getting the best education? A baseball scholarship? A promotion? The perfect body, clothes, games or following? In fact, when you compare how you each spend time and money on your favorite interest(s) to how you spend time and money on God, how great is the difference? Is God a distant second, third or tenth down the line?

When God isn’t first in our lives and the lives of our family members, everything gets out of alignment. If you’ve ever driven too far on tires that were misaligned, you know it can end in disaster. When your priorities, goals and activities don’t reflect that you are putting God first, you can’t be surprised when your children push God even farther down the list in their own lives. In fact, God may become so marginalized, He is viewed as just another of dozens of equally important activities – easily substituted by one that is more entertaining or rewarding in their minds. Don’t let the spiritual lives, priorities, goals and activities of your family get out of alignment. Put God first, where He was always meant to be.

Top Tips for Correcting Parenting Mistakes

No parent is perfect. So what happens when you realize you have made a mistake in your parenting? Do you shrug it off, since children are “so resilient”? Do you assume it is too late to correct those mistakes? Are you overwhelmed with the time and effort it may take to correct your error and pray that God grants mercy to you and your children?

As much as we might want to make excuses for our mistakes, our children only benefit if we correct them. Sometimes, it is a fairly simple adjustment. In other cases, it may be extremely time consuming and even painful to get back on track. Making hard changes may feel impossible, but it isn’t. Here’s what you need to know.

  • Don’t procrastinate. Every day you continue to make the parenting error compounds the damage it may be doing to your children.
  • Pray for God’s help. You will need God’s help to endure those particularly tough changes and His forgiveness for any parenting errors that were made because of your own pride or rebellion.
  • Admit your mistake to your children. Many parents are afraid to admit mistakes, believing it will undermine the respect their children have for them. The reality is that they will respect you more for being honest and humble – even if they don’t like the change itself.
  • Give your children a real apology. Your apology should be sincere and model repentance. State your mistake, say you are sorry and list the changes you are making so the mistake will be corrected. Also share any atonement you are making to them for your mistake. Finally ask for their forgiveness. You can’t force them to actually forgive you, but modeling repentance and forgiveness for them makes it more likely they will eventually forgive you.
  • Explain the changes you are making in ways they can understand. Small children are concrete thinkers and need concrete details. It is important all of your children thoroughly understand what is changing and any new expectations of them.
  • Explain why you are making changes in ways that your children can understand. Younger children may not understand any abstract principles behind the changes, but it is still good for them to hear them. Your older children and teens may be more compliant if they thoroughly understand why the change is ultimately for their benefit.
  • Apologize for the tough transition period you are about to endure. It may take several weeks for everyone to adjust to any major changes. Empathizing with any annoyance or pain they may feel during the process can help make it a bit easier for everyone.
  • Give grace during the transition period. Old habits are difficult to change. Reminders should be given, as well as grace, until you can be sure non-compliance is about rebellion rather than forgetfulness.
  • Although it may be too late to correct your parenting mistakes for your adult children, it is never too late to apologize and encourage them to correct your mistakes with their own children. A sincere apology can go a long way towards repairing any relationship damage that may have occurred because of your mistakes. Alerting them to your mistakes can also help them break a potentially negative parenting cycle in your family.

Being humble enough to admit and correct your parenting mistakes isn’t always easy, but it is what your kids need from you….. and your future descendants as well.

Are Your Kids a Burden or a Blessing?

The Bible makes it clear in John 16:21 and other passages like Psalm 127:3-5 that children are a blessing from God. Yet when your child has just vomited all over you or has disobeyed you for what seems like the 100th time in an hour, it doesn’t always feel like a blessing. In fact, many parents seem to want to spend as much time away from their children as possible.

Did you know a huge part of resilience is having a nurturing relationship with a parent? Do you also realize that being a faithful Christian requires a good deal of resilience? To your children, that nurturing relationship is only real if they feel loved and liked by you – and not in the almost academic way some people describe it – “I know my parents love me, even though they don’t know how to show it.” That may be a mature understanding of the situation, but it doesn’t feel like love to the child having to say it. And resilience depends on feeling loved and supported emotionally.

Sadly, it’s often the parents whose children fall into this unfortunate category who will deny or diminish the importance of making their children feel like they are a blessing to their parents. Hopefully all parents love their children, but if you are communicating you believe parenting them or they themselves are a burden, they don’t feel loved. And that’s a huge problem.

Are you communicating to your children that they are a blessing or a burden to you? Answer these questions and you will have a better idea.

  • Do you regularly complain about your children to others?
  • Do you describe your children in negative terms to them or others – using words like prickly, lazy, annoying, clingy, etc.?
  • Do you let out a sigh or roll your eyes when they ask for your attention?
  • Do you look at your phone or appear otherwise distracted when they are talking to you?
  • Do you regularly talk about needing a break from being with your kids/parenting?
  • Do you regularly work long hours or hang out with friends multiple times in a week to give yourself a break from parenting?
  • Do you regularly complain about how parenting is holding back your career?
  • Do you regularly tell your children to “get off” you or to “stop clinging” to you?
  • Do you sign your children up for activities and camps primarily to give yourself a break?
  • Do you regularly tell them you can’t wait until school starts or they move out of your house?
  • Do you rarely hug them or tell them you love them?
  • Do you avoid doing things like playing games with them or reading to them – especially if it is a favorite of theirs, but definitely not of yours?
  • When they disobey, do you make it personal by saying they are bad, stupid or using other negative terms, rather than focusing on the poor choice?
  • Do you ever say things in anger like “I wish you had never been born”?
  • Do you regularly complain about how much money you are having to spend on them (outside of the context of them asking for extravagant gifts or complaining about high prices in general not in connection with having or not having children)?
  • Do you complain or pout when you give up doing something you wanted to do to care for or support them in some way?

How many ”yes” answers did you have? Everybody slips up once in awhile, but the goal should be to say ”no” to all of the questions. What do you need to do to change those ”yes” answers to ”no”?

Children are smarter than most adults give them credit for. They can see whether or not your eyes light up when you see them and whether you think of them as a blessing or a burden. Give your children the gift of acknowledging and being grateful for the blessings they are. Don’t let them go through life believing they are a burden to the people who should love them more than anyone else in the world.

Creating a Christian Support Network for Your Children

Did you know a common resilience activity for children and teens who have experienced trauma is to help them define their support network? Whom do they know that will listen to them, give them emotional support and help them problem solve? The truth is that all young people need to develop a support network – even if they never experience a traumatic event.

Christian children and teens need an extra dynamic in their support networks. As our world moves more and more towards secularism, whom can your children depend upon to give them godly advice? Since all wisdom comes from God, it makes sense that those sharing God’s wisdom will be giving the most helpful advice and counsel.

Ask your children whom they would talk if they had a problem. If those people weren’t available, to whom else could they turn? Why did they choose those particular people? Even though it’s not required, often children and teens prefer to go to someone they like for help. Talk about the value of godly advice – even if it’s not coming from someone who is ”fun” or ”popular”.

If your children can’t quickly name two or three strong Christians to whom they would turn for help if family weren’t available or if they aren’t choosing people who would give them godly advice, you have some work to do. Explain some of the people you would trust to take care of them. Tell them why you think those are the best people for them to ask for help. Find ways to have your children spend quality time with these people, so they feel comfortable with them and will hopefully decide to place them towards the top of their list of helpers.

Life has lots of twists and turns. You may not always have an opportunity to be there to support your children emotionally and spiritually when they are struggling. Making sure they have plenty of godly options as helpers will give your children an extra layer of protection.