Parent/Child Relationship – Parenting Like Hannah

Top Tips for Teaching/Coaching Your Kids Without Destroying Your Relationship

I can see it in their eyes. We are on a second generation of young families in our neighborhood. For many of the families, sports have been a major focus. So I get a bird’s eye view of how some parents try to teach, or in this case, coach their kids. They mean well, but the words and methods they use are driving a wedge between them and their kids. I literally can see it in the eyes of their children as they begin shutting down emotionally when their parents “instruct them”.

Now, mind you, these aren’t bad parents or they wouldn’t care about how their children are doing. They are trying to help, but unbeknownst to them, their methods are actually hurting their relationship with their kids.

Thankfully, a few tweaks could change everything. Here’s what to keep in mind the next time you try to teach your child something.

Just because you know how to do something well, doesn’t necessarily mean you know how to teach someone else how to do it. Teaching is an art and a science. I remember one of my education classes spent a lot of time teaching us how to figure out what a student was thinking by the types of errors they made on a math assignment. I’ve had people teach me sport skills where an extremely minor adjustment in my pinkie position meant a huge leap of improvement in how well I executed an entire skill set. Unless you were trained to teach whatever it is you are teaching, you are learning how to teach as much as your child is learning the skill.
Many coaches are horrible teachers, too. If you are modeling your demeanor after an old coach, you are very likely mirroring toxic teaching. Yelling, cursing and berating are not helpful when trying to teach someone how to do something well, but many coaches think it is.
Partner with your child. YouTube can be really helpful. Find videos that teach the skill from a master teacher in the topic. Watch it together, then help your child practice it.
Watch your tone. You’ve probably said it to your kids a thousand times. It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Frustration and anger in your tone doesn’t make the situation pleasant or your coaching helpful. If you can’t control your tone, it’s probably time for a break.
Watch your attitude. Acting like a know-it-all, being demeaning, making your child feel stupid or less than for having failed to previously master the skill….. a bad attitude sets up your teaching or coaching session as a major wedge in your relationship.
Celebrate the process and incremental improvements. Mastering anything takes time and practice. If your child is struggling, encouraging words are a balm to the soul.
Know when to hire someone or ask for help. If you know you and your kids are going to struggle emotionally for you to teach a skill, consider asking someone else to teach your child. Perhaps another parent or a friend of yours would love to help. Or maybe it’s time to hire a tutor or other expert. It may be worth saving your relationship with your child to pay someone else to teach them.

Don’t be afraid to teach your child or coach your kids. Just remember that your relationship is more important than them mastering any skill.

Family Game Night For Fun and Faith

I’m a big fan of family game nights. We enjoyed them when our daughter was little and still love playing games when she and her husband come visit for a week. Playing board games with your kids can build relationships and create fun family memories. They can help ease the pain when they are having issues with friends. They can teach skills, like problem solving and time management, that strengthen resilience. Did you also know that you can use games to strengthen their Bible knowledge and build on their faith foundation?

Our game chest has always been filled with a mixture of secular and Bible games. Unfortunately, when our daughter was young, there weren’t a ton of options. In a quick scan through Amazon, I found that even some popular secular games like Cranium look like they now have official Bible versions.

Be aware though that not all Bible games have equal value. Some probably aren’t any more helpful than secular games for increasing Bible knowledge or comprehension. I would suggest thinking through any purchases of Bible games. Trivia decks are fun to have in the car for road trips. If you have a secular version of the game they love, then see if you can purchase just the question decks from the Bible version and use the same game board.

Or you might want to buy an entirely new Bible game. Also think about the underlying messages it may be sending your kids. I saw one that advertised making hysterically funny drawings for Bible verses. I can see a game like that either reinforcing Bible memory work or creating a disrespect for scripture depending upon how it is structured. Sometimes youth groups and children’s ministries own Bible games and you can look through them to see if they are something you want to purchase for home use. Or a Christian you know may already own the game and can tell you about it.

Just because a game is advertised as “Christian” or “Bible” doesn’t mean it will help your kids grow spiritually. Don’t forget, your kids can also learn character lessons by playing any games – even secular ones. The important thing is to have regular game nights. If you need a new game, consider a Bible one. It may add another dimension to the fun.

Top Tips for the Frustrated Parent

I recently visited the summer home of Eleanor Roosevelt. Evidently her mother was often verbally cruel to her, telling her she should focus on being especially kind and helpful since she wasn’t pretty. For whatever reasons, it is obvious her mother was frustrated and angry and took that anger out on little Eleanor. How many children are hurt, damaged or even traumatized because parents direct their frustrations from other things at the easiest target – their children?

You may be thinking that your children are the cause of your frustration and it is only fair that they bear the brunt of it. Perhaps they deserve correction and even fair consequences for their actions, but as Christian parents we should be working to control our anger – not unleash it on our children.

So what are some things you can do when you are frustrated that are healthy and holy? Here are some of our favorites.

Memorize the first few verses of 1 Corinthians 13 and say them to yourself over and over. “Love is patient. Love is kind.” Reminding yourself how God expects you to love your children can be a wake up call as you feel your frustration level rising.
Pray. Prayer is great, because you can pray in the moment, silently and be heard by God. It also serves as a reminder of whom God wants you to be as a parent – someone who listens and guides.
Take a time out. It’s perfectly acceptable to send your child to his or her room to give you a few minutes to calm down and make a good decision about consequences. Be honest with your child, because it teaches them to calm themselves before speaking or doing something in anger.
Go for a long walk. If you have to take your kids with you, it may not be a bad idea. Just don’t talk about what made you so frustrated until you can feel yourself calming. Chances are your children will find the silence more of a consequence than whatever you finally give them.
Go for coffee with an older parent – nowhere near your children. Kids have an amazing ability to hear things parents never realize. You may think your kids are in the next room playing, but they may very well hear what you say to your spouse, family member or friend. Don’t say things about your kids you wouldn’t want them to say about you. Don’t gripe about your children to anyone and everyone. Find a trusted parenting mentor and go out without your children. Ask for advice and then prayerfully consider following it. If you routinely talk badly about your children, they will find out and they will be crushed.
Watch your words to your children carefully. Words can hurt worse than physical blows. They can stay with your kids for years. Avoid “you are” statements when frustrated, as in “you are bad”, “you are stupid”, etc. Don’t curse or call them names. If you say something you shouldn’t, apologize – sincerely and profusely. You can’t erase the damage done, but hopefully you can soften it a bit.
Hug it out. After the correction and consequences, give everyone a few minutes to calm down. Then reassure your children of your love for them and your belief in them. Give them a big hug (if they will let you) and tell them again how much you love them. Reestablish your relationship as a loving, supportive one.

God has tasked parents with a tough job – preparing children to be obedient to Him. It’s crucial that you mirror how God corrects and gives consequences, but also how He forgives and loves His children. If you do your job well, it’s much more likely your children will obey God.

9 Ways Christian Parents Can Support Their Kids in School

Schools start their year in a couple of weeks here. Whether your kids go to public or private school or you homeschool, they will be much more successful and happier if they feel supported by you throughout the year.

You don’t want to do their homework for them (Trust me. Teachers can tell whether their kindergarten student or his architect dad completed the city model project!), but what are some ways you can truly support your children in their educational journey?

Pray for your children, their friends, teachers, administrators, etc. Remind your kids daily that you are praying for them while they are in school. If you carpool, pray over them in the car as you drop them off (with driver’s eyes open of course!). When checking in about their day, remind them you have been praying about any specific need and ask how they believe God is answering that prayer (remember “wait” and “no” are answers from God, too).
Listen. When your kids want to talk about their day or something in their lives, drop everything and fully engage. Use active listening techniques – like nodding and asking clarifying questions. If your kids don’t feel like they can talk to you, they will turn to whomever will listen to them – and that doesn’t always end well.
Point out God. Sometimes you can do this by pointing out how you see God working in a situation. At other times, you may use God’s Words in scripture to remind them of things God wants them to know and how it applies to that real life incident.
Get to know their friends. There is nothing more annoying to a young person than telling a story about friends and continually being interrupted by a parent asking them to explain who the various friends are. If you have trouble keeping it straight, make yourself a cheat sheet you can refer to if necessary. Don’t stop there though. Be the house where there is always food and fun. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Or be the one who drives the group places. You will really get to know their friends as you spend time with them. Then you can help them navigate tricky relationships and be supportive of their friends as well.
Respect their teachers. I know there are teachers your children may have who are less than ideal. It’s okay to advocate for your child, but you can do it respectfully. Go through the proper channels, in the proper order. Don’t email the principal before you have spoken to the teacher about the problem. Avoid yelling, cursing and name calling. As my grandmother used to say, “You catch more flies with homey than with vinegar.” More importantly, you are modeling Romans 13:1-7 for your children. (I know it doesn’t directly address school teachers and principals, but I think the underlying principle applies.)
Make sure they get lots of sleep, exercise and healthy foods. Behavior issues, lack of stamina, poor moods, etc. can often be improved or eliminated with proper rest, exercise and diet. All kids through age 18 can benefit from 9-12 hours of sleep a day. In fact, teens need more sleep than children do in many cases. A quick run around the yard can actually make it easier for them to sit down and do their homework. (Just be sure to agree upon a set amount of time for outdoor play before they start.) Don’t forget that heavily processed foods will make them sluggish and can create immunity issues from a lack of vitamins and minerals.
Have breakfast and dinner together as a family. One country has an amazingly high score on tests of both childhood happiness and kids having similar beliefs as their parents when they become adults. They credit it to mandatory family breakfasts and dinners. They won’t even invite others to join them for those meals. You don’t necessarily have to go that far, but studies have shown spending time eating meals as a family and talking about everything while eating improves outcomes for children and teens in multiple areas.
Know their rights as Christians. Public school students have more rights to discuss and write about their faith than most teachers and administrators know. At the beginning of every school year, various groups like Focus on the Family publish an updated list of student rights that apply regardless of the school system. They also alert you to ones that may vary from school to school. Familiarize yourself with their rights and educate your children so they can respectfully advocate for themselves. If there have been issues in the past, take time to role play ways of handling similar situations.
Celebrate victories! No, as an educator, I don’t feel there is much long term value in bribing children and teens to do well in school. I do believe that school can feel very overwhelming at times. Any victory – whether it’s good grades or getting some sort of award – should be celebrated. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. The point is to acknowledge the victory in a way the child can hear.

All of these tips require you to be engaged with your children and their school life. They don’t need you to micromanage them or swoop in like a mother hawk to attack and “fix” things. They do desperately need to feel your love and support. That’s what will make them truly resilient in school.

Can Arts and Crafts Make Christian Parenting Easier?

Wouldn’t it be nice if Christian parenting were easy? If you could just snap your fingers and rest assured that your children would be faithful, productive Christians as adults? Life would be so much better! Unfortunately, living in a fallen world means nothing is easy. There are things you can do, however, that will make your Christian parenting more effective and thereby, a bit easier.

Effective Christian parenting requires spending a lot of quality time with your kids. If you are all just looking at your phones and IPads though, not much of consequence is happening. You don’t want to lecture your kids, so what are some things you can do with them that help teach them some important Christian life skills and work on Christian character traits?

Surprisingly, one of the best choices is rather old school. Arts and crafts provide lots of benefits for you and your children. Crafting has been found to reduce tension, edginess and anxiety by 50%. What family couldn’t use something that made everyone a bit calmer?!

Even better, doing arts and crafts projects can help your kids work on their patience and perseverance. If you and your children are working on a project that takes a lot of effort or multiple sessions to complete, it can also help them develop a strong, biblical work ethic.

One study found that happiness results from feelings of being able to do things independently, becoming competent at something and doing things with others. Family arts and crafts projects can provide those elements. Yes, Christianity focuses on the joy that is found in Christ regardless of our circumstances, but it’s okay to have a little healthy happiness in your home, too.

Want to really up your Christian parenting game? Find arts and crafts projects that can also be used to serve others. Find ways to share your faith and encourage those who receive your finished projects. Your kids will find meaning and purpose as they grow to better understand the mission and ministry God has planned for them.

Don’t have a lot of money for supplies? Check out coupons for craft stores and yard sales. Find someone who already participates in the art or craft in which you are interested and see if they have some extra supplies they would be willing to give your kids. (Word to the wise. Don’t spend a ton of money on supplies for any one art or craft category until you are sure your kids are definitely going to pursue it long term! There are lots of ways to try a new craft without purchasing every possible supply. Kits are often a good way to experiment without a huge investment.)

Have fun with it. Set aside special times where everyone works on projects together or does a family project. Who knows? It really may make your Christian parenting job a bit easier!