Parent/Child Relationship – Parenting Like Hannah

Making Time to Really Listen to Your Kids

One of the things I have noticed in my work with children and teens over the last couple of decades is that they are starving for someone to really listen to them. Their heart’s desire is to be heard and understood. Their preference is that this attention come from their parents, but when it doesn’t, they will talk to literally anyone who will listen – including predators.

When was the last time you really had a meaningful conversation with your children? How often do you postpone talking to them when they come to you? How often do you ask them to be quiet? How often are you only half listening to them while you are on a device or thinking about something else?

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a second grader’s friendship drama or a twelve year old’s locker room conversations rehashing is not that important. After all, it doesn’t involve mortgages, jobs or a health crisis. But life is often about personal perspective. To your second grader going through her first spat with her friends, it feels devastating. To your twelve year old who is concerned about what he is hearing from peers in the locker room, the confusion can cause great angst.

Your kids need a safe space to talk through their experiences and their thoughts and emotions about them. They need you to listen intently until they have nothing left they need to say. They need your help in figuring out the things they can’t understand or developing an action plan when they don’t know what to do. And they need this in varying degrees from you on a daily basis.

If your life is super hectic, try setting up rituals for listening. This will let them know that at a certain time each day, you will stop everything and give them your full attention. Maybe it’s while they are eating an afternoon snack or at dinner. Take a walk together before dinner. Perhaps a period of time before bedtime is set aside for deconstructing their day. Maybe you spend thirty minutes a child reading to them, snuggling and listening. The ritual doesn’t matter as much as the consistency. They have to be able to depend upon that time each day.

There will still be emergency situations (at least to them) when they need you to listen in the moment). I highly encourage you to stop everything and make time to listen if at all possible. Missing these opportunities when presented can lead to your children refusing to share with you in the future. Most days, however, your listening time will give them the opportunity to tell you everything they want to share.

It’s important to know that some children will chaff at a schedule. You probably already know if you have a child like this. In those cases, encourage the child to help you figure out a way for you to listen to him or her daily. Participating in creating the ritual and schedule will make it more palatable.

Make time to listen to each of your kids every day. Let the advice they need come from you so they know what God wants them to do. Don’t ignore their need for an adult to listen to them. It makes them vulnerable to all sorts of potential issues and possible harm.

Moms Have Feelings Too

I’m not sure why, but often the sweetest, most nurturing moms in the world have children who treat them in a callous manner. Ironically, these young people are usually kind to everyone else, but typically they take out all of their anger at their world on their mother.

I get it. It’s wonderful that your kids feel safe enough to release all of those pent up negative emotions on you. But there are ways for them to do that without crushing your feelings in the process.

Even very tiny children can understand, “That hurt Mommy!”. You don’t have to be harsh or lecture. Just let them know firmly, but kindly that you also have feelings that can be hurt and it’s not okay for them to say hurtful and mean things to you.

Teach them healthier ways of venting their emotions. They can cry, hit a punching bag, go for a run, paint a painting, talk about what’s happening and how they feel – there are lots of things they can do to release negative emotions instead of taking it out on you.

Moms take a lot of emotional hits in parenting. Many do it without a spouse sharing the emotional load, even if they are present. Some of those you can’t really avoid. But you don’t have to allow your kids to make you an emotional punching bag. If nothing else, remember that how you allow them to treat you may very well end up being how they treat their roommates and eventual spouse.

Be supportive of your children. Listen to them. Nurture them. Just don’t let them unleash their verbal ire onto you.

How Well Do You Know Your Kids’ Hearts?

How often do you see an article about a teen or young adult who has just murdered someone where the parent says, “I had no idea my child was capable of that.”? Almost every single time. As a parent of a now adult child, I will tell you that one of two things has happened. First, the parent is lying through his or her teeth to avoid the accusations of poor parenting. Or, two, the parent is telling the truth and honestly doesn’t know his or her child at all. Both are scary.

As a Christian parent, one of your God given responsibilities is to know the hearts of your children. Then to help those hearts long to follow God all the days of their lives. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Absolutely. There are Christian parents (even in these post Christian days) who successfully raise children who are faithful, productive Christians as adults. They are intentional. They put in the necessary effort.

But most importantly, they spend the time to really get to know the hearts of their children. It isn’t always easy. It can change from year to year. A young child who loves Jesus and wants to please him can grow into a teen who rejects God entirely. But it doesn’t happen over night in the vast majority of cases. The parents had plenty of time to notice early warning signs of weakening faith and make needed adjustments.

You can’t do that if you don’t spend enough time with your kids. Or don’t have meaningful, spiritual conversations with them. Or watch their reactions as you discuss spiritual things. Or listen when they share what is on their hearts. Knowing the hearts of your kids takes time and effort. If you don’t invest in your relationship with them, you risk setting up a dynamic where you don’t realize their faith is weakening until it’s almost too late to make a difference. There’s always hope with God, but helping your kids is easier at the very beginning of any issue than when it is full blown.

Don’t become that clueless parent on the news reels. Know, really know, your kids.

Are You Accidentally Undermining Your Children’s Trust In You?

Are you a counting parent? Counting parents use counting as a way to try and force their kids to obey them. You know the routine. “Amy, I am going to count to three and then there will be a consequence if you haven’t obeyed me.” Children learn from this type of correction, but probably not what their parents were hoping.

When you don’t expect immediate obedience and follow through with consequences for open rebellion, you are teaching your children that you cannot be trusted. Yes, they are also learning they don’t have to obey you immediately – if at all. They learn your mood impacts your patience level. They are learning they can keep rebelling until the very last second. They learn a rebellious attitude is okay as long as you pretend to obey at the last second. They learn that consequences are usually idle threats.

But they also learn they can’t trust you. Why? Because your word is not reliable. It’s impacted by your mood. Your promises to give consequences for rebellion are regularly broken. Your “no” doesn’t really mean “no”. They can’t trust that the rules you tell them are put in place to keep them safe are really as important as you say, because you regularly allow them to be broken with no consequences or real correction.

Oh, they may not be able to verbalize this growing lack of trust in you, but it’s there. The next time you say obeying a particular rule is critical, they are a little less likely to believe you. The next time you tell them that breaking a rule is so dangerous, there will be consequences, they won’t believe you are serious. Their lack of trust in you begins to fuel a growing rebellious spirit.

We took a parenting class before our daughter was born that emphasized the importance of first time compliance. Children could appeal if there were extenuating circumstances, but in general were expected to obey immediately when told to do something. It’s critical, because one day their actual lives may depend upon it.

It’s also critical, because your children learn they can trust you. When you say something is important, you back it up with action when they ignore you. This trust builds over time so that when you teach them about God, they trust you are teaching them the Truth. That when you tell them they shouldn’t do something because it is dangerous, then it must really be dangerous.

The next time your children refuse to obey you, don’t undermine their trust by counting or ignoring their rebellion. Deal with it. If you want to Christian parent well, you need their trust. It begins with enforcing what you say consistently. Say what you mean and mean what you say, is great parenting advice!

Top Tips for Teaching/Coaching Your Kids Without Destroying Your Relationship

I can see it in their eyes. We are on a second generation of young families in our neighborhood. For many of the families, sports have been a major focus. So I get a bird’s eye view of how some parents try to teach, or in this case, coach their kids. They mean well, but the words and methods they use are driving a wedge between them and their kids. I literally can see it in the eyes of their children as they begin shutting down emotionally when their parents “instruct them”.

Now, mind you, these aren’t bad parents or they wouldn’t care about how their children are doing. They are trying to help, but unbeknownst to them, their methods are actually hurting their relationship with their kids.

Thankfully, a few tweaks could change everything. Here’s what to keep in mind the next time you try to teach your child something.

Just because you know how to do something well, doesn’t necessarily mean you know how to teach someone else how to do it. Teaching is an art and a science. I remember one of my education classes spent a lot of time teaching us how to figure out what a student was thinking by the types of errors they made on a math assignment. I’ve had people teach me sport skills where an extremely minor adjustment in my pinkie position meant a huge leap of improvement in how well I executed an entire skill set. Unless you were trained to teach whatever it is you are teaching, you are learning how to teach as much as your child is learning the skill.
Many coaches are horrible teachers, too. If you are modeling your demeanor after an old coach, you are very likely mirroring toxic teaching. Yelling, cursing and berating are not helpful when trying to teach someone how to do something well, but many coaches think it is.
Partner with your child. YouTube can be really helpful. Find videos that teach the skill from a master teacher in the topic. Watch it together, then help your child practice it.
Watch your tone. You’ve probably said it to your kids a thousand times. It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. Frustration and anger in your tone doesn’t make the situation pleasant or your coaching helpful. If you can’t control your tone, it’s probably time for a break.
Watch your attitude. Acting like a know-it-all, being demeaning, making your child feel stupid or less than for having failed to previously master the skill….. a bad attitude sets up your teaching or coaching session as a major wedge in your relationship.
Celebrate the process and incremental improvements. Mastering anything takes time and practice. If your child is struggling, encouraging words are a balm to the soul.
Know when to hire someone or ask for help. If you know you and your kids are going to struggle emotionally for you to teach a skill, consider asking someone else to teach your child. Perhaps another parent or a friend of yours would love to help. Or maybe it’s time to hire a tutor or other expert. It may be worth saving your relationship with your child to pay someone else to teach them.

Don’t be afraid to teach your child or coach your kids. Just remember that your relationship is more important than them mastering any skill.