Category: Parent/Child Relationship

Correcting Parenting Mistakes

One of my favorite questions from young parents is whether or not my husband and I did all of the things I advocate with our own child. While we did much of what I suggest, some of the ideas I share with you were ones I thought of after our daughter was an adult. There are things in retrospect I wish we had done even more of and things I think we could have skipped without harming our child. And there are some mistakes we made along the way. Thankfully, our daughter is far enough into adulthood that I think we are safe now in saying they weren’t fatal mistakes, but they were still not our best parenting moments.

In fact, I have yet to meet a parent who claims to have parented mistake free. That’s especially true for Christian parents who have so many additional things to teach their kids. What makes a truly effective Christian parent different from others is an unwillingness to just shrug off mistakes as if they don’t matter. The truth is that your kids either immediately know when you’ve made a parenting mistake or they will figure it out at some point. What breaks down the parent child relationship and compounds the errors are not so much the errors themselves, as the lack of addressing them.

So what should you do when you realize you have made a mistake in parenting?

  • Admit the mistake to your child. This frightens many parents, but it’s the right thing to do. Not only does it set a good example for telling the truth and accepting responsibility for one’s actions, it also shows your kids how to repent. If your children are younger, be very specific and concrete in what you say and use words they can understand.
  • Acknowledge the negative consequences your child has or will experience because of your mistake. In some cases, this is fairly obvious – for example, you said something you shouldn’t have and it hurt your child’s feelings. Other times, it’s a little more abstract – perhaps you have neglected to correct a character flaw in them consistently and you know if not corrected that flaw will create problems for your child in the future. Once again, try to explain it in age appropriate ways to your child.
  • Apologize. Sometimes the most powerful words in healing an issue in a parent child relationship are, ”I’m sorry.”
  • State what you will do in the future to avoid repeating the mistake. At times, this will also mean your child will need to make changes as well – especially if you will begin correcting a behavior you have been ignoring or will be giving your child new responsibilities.
  • Acknowledge any potential difficulties your child may experience because of the changes and apologize again for the mistake you are now having to correct. If your child had the new expectation from day one, it probably wouldn’t seem as drastic as having been allowed to behave in a certain way for a long period of time and then suddenly being expected to change. Remember, you are not apologizing for the change itself, because that is ultimately in your child’s best interest. What you are acknowledging is that the change may be difficult to make for both you and your child.
  • Make atonement when possible for your mistake. Generally, this means reducing a consequence that was too harsh. It could also be giving a grace period to become accustomed to a new rule or responsibility in which reminders will be given perhaps a little more gently than normal.

It’s important to note, that you can go through these steps even if you don’t realize the mistake you made until your child is an adult. Obviously, at that point you may not be able to change anything. You can, however, explain clearly how you believe your child’s life would be improved even now if a change of some sort is made. If the mistake is pointed out to you by an adult child, it is perhaps even more important that you acknowledge the mistake if it was indeed one. Reconciliation is great, but don’t allow your child to develop a victim mentality and refuse to move forward from whatever mistake you made. A child who can’t forgive your parenting mistakes, will stay stuck in the past and never really reach his or her godly potential.

Don’t be afraid to admit your parenting mistakes or attempt to minimize them. Take responsibility for them and correct them. It may be one of the most important things you will ever do in parenting your child.

15 Signs Your Child Really Needs to Talk

Some kids seem to be born to talk. Without much prompting, they tell you every detail about their day, what they are thinking and feeling and probably dozens of other details about their world as well as their hearts and minds.

Other kids seem to struggle to give you a complete sentence. Two sentences strung together begins to feel like a deep conversation. Some of the dynamic is personality, some of it is their relationship with you and there may be other factors involved as well.

There may be times in your child’s life when he or she needs to talk to a Christian adult. Your child needs that conversation to express emotions, process what is happening and have help figuring out how God wants them to handle the situation. Unfortunately, because the circumstances are so confusing, emotional or traumatic, even the most talkative child can become silent.

On the other hand, the silence may stem from being tired, having a bad (normal) day or any of a dozen other reasons your child may need a little space and time without conversation – to process, think, dream, pray, reflect on scripture or focus on school work. So how do you know when your child needs encouragement to talk to you or another trusted Christian adult because he or she needs the comfort and guidance that conversation could provide?

  • Your child loses interest in favorite activities, spending time with friends, etc. Give your child a day or two for hormone levels to shift or some other relatively benign cause for ennui to pass. If it lasts for more than a week or two, something more serious may be going on.
  • Grades begin to fall – especially in multiple subjects. Struggling in one class may stem from normal academic issues. If a child who normally gets A’s and B’s starts getting C’s and D’s in multiple subjects, something more serious is happening. Don’t wait for the official grades on report cards. As soon as test and paper grades start falling, you need to find out what is happening.
  • Radical changes in friend group not resulting from a change in school or activities – particularly if the new friend group is known to engage in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking, drugs, petty crime, etc. Kids’ friend groups adjust when they change schools, move to the next level school or begin a new activity. Troubles in friend groups are normal, but usually resolve themselves quickly. If your child seems to drop a healthy friend group for a riskier one for no obvious reason, something has happened that needs to be addressed.
  • Headaches. These can be from slumping over a desk for too many hours or holding tension in the body while studying for a difficult test. There can also be medical causes for frequent headaches. If the headaches seem to come from stress (according to your child’s doctor), conversations can help them name and manage those stressors.
  • Stomaches. A more common stress reaction in kids, particularly if they seem to come and go under similar circumstances…like always having a stomach ache right before school or a specific activity.
  • Insomnia or sleeping much more than normal. Growth spurts can trigger a day or two of extreme sleepiness as can regular hormonal swings in some young women. Prolonged insomnia or extreme sleepiness needs to be investigated for possible medical causes or to discover if it results from stress, depression or trauma.
  • Nightmares. Everyone has nightmares. Unrelenting nightmares or terrors can result from stress or trauma Conversations can help your child identify the trigger and learn how to manage their stressors better during their waking hours
  • New bedwetting issues. If a child suddenly begins wetting the bed multiple nights in a row, something is going on. In older children, a physical cause is rare and it is more likely from extreme stress or even trauma.
  • Radical changes in eating habits. This can range from having no appetite to suddenly wanting a comfort food every day or over eating. The root cause can be something physical, like a growth spurt, but don’t let it continue for more than a week or so without consulting a doctor. Eating changes can morph into eating disorders over time. Catching them early is key for easier intervention.
  • Increased crying, angry outbursts, etc. With raging hormones, this one can be tough to discern. Even if the root cause turns out to be hormones, your kids need to talk about how to exercise self control or engage in activities to help them regulate their emotions in healthy ways when they can feel their hormones fluctuating.
  • Overreacting. This too, can result from hormones, but your kids also need to learn how to pause and self regulate before responding to negative incidents.
  • Regressing to comforting behaviors of a younger child. There are times when all of us might benefit from hugging a stuffed animal. If your child suddenly goes back to using a night light, thumb sucking, etc. he or she probably has something that needs to be talked about with an adult.
  • Unusual anxiety especially with no obvious cause. An important test, try out for an activity or first date can send anxiety levels soaring temporarily. If your child suddenly seems extremely anxious for multiple days with no obvious cause, he or she needs to talk with someone.
  • Unusual clinginess – especially with no obvious cause. Parents of college kids can tell you that even the kid most excited to go to college can become a little clingy when mom and dad are leaving campus the first few times. If your child suddenly becomes unusually clingy (after the normal stage for this in early childhood) – especially in an environment where they have normally confidently left your side, you need to try and help your child figure out the source of their new anxiety.
  • Unable to concentrate at normal levels. Some kids struggle to concentrate normally. If a child who normally concentrates well, suddenly can’t seem to concentrate at all, you need to help them figure out what is making them anxious.
  • Sudden change in faith – especially a new extreme anger towards God with no obvious cause. Children who suddenly go from praying, enjoying Bible classes and loving God to becoming extremely angry with God have had something trigger that radical change. They need to talk about it and resolve the issues before it becomes a permanent stumbling block to faith.

You may have noticed, I suggested your child talk with a trusted Christian adult when possible. In an an ideal world, your child would willing confide in you. Sometimes, however, their fear of your possible negative reaction can make them afraid to tell you the entire truth. Even if their fears are unjustified, I would rather have them talk to a trusted Christian friend, Bible class teacher, minister or Christian counselor than talk to no one at all. Hopefully, that trusted Christian adult can also create a bridge to help your child include you in the conversation, too.

As hard as it may be, try to remember your child needs help. It’s better to get it from a trusted Christian adult than a peer at school or a source who will point them away from what God wants. Give your child some options of people to whom they can talk. Dragging him or her in front of a group of elders, ministers or your best friend at church with whom there is little relationship can do more harm than good. Helping your child talk to you or another trusted Christian adult can give your child the support he or she desperately needs.

Could Accountability Make It Easier to Reach Your Christian Parenting Goals?

In her book, Better Than Before, Gretchen Rubin discusses four basic type of people when it comes to goals. You can read her book for the details, but one of the conclusions she reaches is that all but the ”rebels” (who recoil at the mere idea of rules or accountability), can benefit from having accountability for working towards and reaching their goals.

Which made me wonder. Are we not as effective at reaching our Christian parenting goals because the church is no longer structured where we are to hold each other accountable as commanded in scripture? Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not talking about controlling the lives of others or rigid accountability with serious consequences for not meeting goals. Those are cultish and not Christian practices.

What if, however, you and a fellow young parent agreed to touch base twice a week and share if you had been having family devotionals that week? Or an older woman agreed to have coffee with you once a week and hold you accountable for whether or not you were encouraging your kids to read the Bible independently or were praying together more as a family? What if you were in a small group of parents who committed to study specific Bible stories with your kids each week and then spent a few minutes of each small group meeting discussing how it went? Or what if you and another family agreed to sit together in church or go out to lunch after Bible class? Maybe even made reservations to a restaurant to add some more accountability to the mix?

According to Rubin, accountability can help if we are willing to share our goals with an accountability partner. Since her book was secular, she promoted hiring someone like a trainer, teacher or coach, because they would be more demanding and consistent than a friend or relative. If you can build it into a relationship where you already have consistent times in touch with each other, and you both agree on ground rules for the type of accountability and encouragement or “fussing” allowed, it could work almost as well.

If you have a Christian parenting goal that you struggle to reach, try adding accountability to the mix. It might just be the boost you need to finally give your kids those spiritual things you know they need.

Fun Ways to Shower Your Kids With Love

There is a not so little secret to effective Christian parenting. It’s a lot easier if you have a close, loving relationship with your kids. Children are a lot more responsive to their parents’ spiritual teaching, mentoring, coaching and even correction and discipline if they feel close to the parent providing it. Every parent child relationship has its strained moments, but parents and children who are generally close feel a strong love and respect for each other.

Children usually love and respect people who love and respect them. Since God is love and Christianity is built on a foundation of love, it only makes sense that a strong parent child relationship is also a very loving relationship. Please don’t misunderstand. A loving relationship does not mean you cater to your child’s every whim or that you never correct or discipline your children. Rather, it means that even on the worst of days – when your kids don’t feel lovable – they still know you love them.

With kids, there is a twist to love. They need to feel that you like them as well. If they could verbalize the need, they would tell you they believe parents are somehow required to love them, but that when you choose to like them, it means you love them unconditionally. Once again, they don’t expect you to approve of their poor choices, but they do hope you will like and accept their basic personality, preferences and passions even if they are very different from your own. (The exception, of course, is if any of these is sinful.)

Thankfully, there are fun things you can do to show your kids you love and like them. Here are a few of our favorites.

  • Spend one on one time doing something they love. This is especially important if they know their hobby is something you don’t normally enjoy or know nothing about. Let them teach you some of the basics. Take a class together. Hunt yard sales for items they need for their hobby. You don’t need to make it your hobby as well, but showing an appreciation and understanding for it helps your child feel loved.
  • Shower them with hearts. Cut hearts out of construction paper. Make sure you have at least a dozen for each child. On each heart, write something you appreciate about that child. Be careful not to overstate. A child who makes so-so grades isn’t going to believe you think he or she is “the best student ever”. Your child will believe, however, that you love the way he or she tries so hard to do the best possible job on schoolwork. Have fun showering your kids with the hearts. Put them where they will see them all at once when they get up in the morning or come home from school. Or give them one a day for a couple of weeks or an entire month – perhaps snuck into their sack lunches or in their backpack or on their pillow each night.
  • Pillow journal or notes. Make an entry or leave a note on their pillows about something positive you noticed about them that day. Try to focus on internal rather than external compliments. Which you choose to do will depend upon how consistent you can be. If you can remember to do it every night for every child, you may prefer a journal. If you can only manage to do it sporadically, then notes may work better. If you have more than one child, keep it as even as possible. Don’t give either the ”golden child” or the child struggling the most more notes than the others, as that can become a breeding ground for other issues. They don’t all have to get one on the same day, but even over a short period of time, the notes should be equally distributed.
  • Have regular parent child dates. These dates can be both parents with one child or a parent with a child – making sure each child gets a date with both parents at some point. The date doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. The focus is just to have fun together and give your kids a chance to talk about anything and everything without a sibling vying for attention. Make sure you are listening actively and don’t use this as an opportunity to lecture your child about anything.
  • Have device free fun time. Put away the devices for several hours. Play board games. Go for a hike. Choose an activity least likely to dissolve into sibling arguments – even if it’s just going for an ice cream cone. Having fun together as a family enhances feelings of love and acceptance.
  • Serve someone as a family and share your faith with them in some way – even if you are serving Christians and it is more sharing encouragement. Serving others and sharing your faith can give your kids perspective on life. Maybe their day wasn’t quite so bad after all. They have an important purpose and mission in life. God has good works He has planned in advance for them to do. plus, doing it together as a family enhances feelings of belonging, purpose, acceptance and love.
  • Use a special heart plate. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Each child should have turns using the heart plate at family meals. What privileges come with the heart plate or up to you and your creativity. Maybe the child with the heart plate has everyone say something they love about him or her. Perhaps they get to choose the menu when it’s their turn or their favorite food is part of the meal. Once again, how often you do this is flexible, but make sure each child gets equal turns.
  • Cuddle up and read a book together. Even teens can enjoy being read to under the right circumstances. Picture books are best for young children, but reading a chapter regularly out of a longer book can be fun for older kids and teens. Choose a book you enjoyed at their age or that you know they will like. Plodding through a boring book won’t work. Or cuddle up and read a story from the Bible together – sharing God’s love with them as you show them your love.

Have fun with it. Be creative. Make sure your kids know you love them. You might just find parenting gets a little easier.

3 Gifts Your Kids Need From You This Christmas

It’s only a few days until Christmas. Your kids have visions of new bikes, games, dolls or whatever they asked to receive as presents. There are three gifts, however, they didn’t think to add to their lists. Gifts that are the absolute best gifts you could give them.

The first gift your kids need from you is a large amount of quality time. Time where your focus is on them, not a device. Time when you listen as they tell you whatever is important to them….no matter how silly or unimportant it may seem to you. Time when you mentor rather than lecture. Time when you teach and coach them how to be who God wants them to be. Time to have fun and just enjoy being together.

The second gift your kids need is that you live out Deuteronomy 6:7 and 11:19 as if their very souls depend upon it.”Impress them on your children (God’s commands). Talk about them when you sit at home, when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Your kids need you to do what’s in this verse every single day. They need you to do this so they can develop a strong faith foundation.

The third gift your kids need from you is to see you live your faith daily. They need to see how being a Christian makes you different from other parents and other people. They need to see you showing love to everyone…even your enemies. They need to see you obeying and worshiping God. They need to see you love reading your Bible and value praying to God. They need to see you have the character traits God wants His people to have. They need to see you serving others, being generous and sharing your faith with everyone you meet.

Your kids will recover if you couldn’t find the toy they wanted for Christmas. They won’t fare as well, however, if they don’t get these three critical gifts from you.