Courage – Parenting Like Hannah

When Your Kid Doesn’t Fit In

We all seem to be a bit hardwired to want to fit in….to be popular. It’s perhaps a little less common in adults, but for children and teens it can be a major preoccupation. Some are content with being on the margins of popularity, while others will do literally anything to be considered popular or a member of the top social group.

While there are Christian character traits that will make people more likable in general, our beliefs mean we can’t do or even believe a lot of what popular culture and hence many peer groups promote. Your kids may go to a Christian school, which can help, but often even “Christian” kids aren’t really living their faith or even have any knowledge of what God commands of His people.

The truth is that if your kids are going to be strong Christians, they also need to learn how to stand with God – even if it means they are left out of parties or certain people they like won’t date them or befriend them. They need to learn how to do this without it destroying their self esteem or causing them to become arrogant, bitter or ugly in how they treat those who reject them.

They need your help in identifying their support network. Who are those people who will accept them and encourage them to obey God – even if they don’t agree with their Christian beliefs? Who will support them when they are struggling? Who will listen when they need to vent? Who will give them hugs or pray for them?

Remind them that even when you aren’t around to love and support them in person, you are always praying for them. Encourage them to use prayer and scripture to remind themselves that God is with them. Teach them how to reach out to their support network when they are struggling.

The truth is that Christians are never truly alone. Satan wants your kids to feel passing loneliness to their core. He wants them to crave fitting in and being popular. If he can accomplish that, it will be easy to get your kids to disobey God in a myriad of ways. Because the truth is that culture will always be anti God even when it pretends to be Christian. Your kids have to have the strength and courage to stand alone if necessary to please God. Fitting into the culture surrounding us rarely ends well for the Christian. Teach your kids to be comfortable on the margins.

5 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Before Intervening In Your Child’s Life

One of the hidden secrets to successful Christian parenting is understanding that you may not always be there to micromanage your child’s life. It is important to raise children who can think through situations and make the best possible decisions in the moment based on what God would want them to do.

But we live in a microwave world and even Christian parents can fall into the trap of immediately intervening whenever their child has an issue, because… let’s be honest… it’s faster and easier for us to do it properly for them. Unfortunately, that creates an attitude of helplessness that is not in their long term best interest.

The next time your child has an issue or a problem, ask yourself these five questions before jumping in to intervene on your child’s behalf.

Is this something my child has already tried to handle independently? Most situations that happen in childhood can be easily handled by the child if he or she takes a moment to think about the best way to deal with the situation and takes those steps. This may take a bit of trial and error, but a good rule of thumb is to ask the child what has been attempted to rectify the situation before coming to you. (Note: This question can also cut down on tattling and whining if used consistently.)
Is this a situation you can teach or coach your children to handle for themselves? Interpersonal conflicts are going to occur throughout their lives. It’s better to take some time teaching them how to handle these common situations and coaching them through the process than swooping into fix it. It takes a little more time on the front end, but can save you tons of time and stress later.
Is this a situation where you need to teach your child how to pray and wait on God? These are important Christian life skills. Even you can’t fix situations that require praying and waiting on God. If you try, you are more likely to make the situation worse than you are to fix it. (Note: Every decision should be covered in prayer. In this particular situation, it is obvious to you as an experienced adult that the only option is to wait for the situation to play itself out and for God to act within those things that are obviously out of your control.)
Will not intervening teach your child an important life lesson? Has your child procrastinated to the last second on a school project and then expects you to swoop in and help finish it? Your child will learn more from the bad grade for a late or poorly completed project. (Just remember that this lesson is best taught early when one bad grade has little impact on your child’s academic future.) If the life lesson will not be dangerous or cause permanent damage to your child in some way, it may be better for the lesson to be learned by experience.
Could your intervention actually make things worse? I would imagine every parent has erred here at some point. We want to support our children, but sometimes our best efforts to help them backfire. Sometimes taking a breath to consider other options will help you make the best choice when you believe intervening is your only option. Remember that when you do decide you need to intervene, your children are watching you to see how you treat other people as you attempt to correct a situation. If you throw a tantrum, that’s how they will learn to handle conflict themselves.

Being supportive of your children when they are struggling is wonderful Christian parenting. Just make sure your support doesn’t do more harm than good.

Preparing Your Children for Peer Pressure

Remember when you were in school and popularity or fitting in seemed so important? Peer pressure can encourage your children to make choices they normally wouldn’t make. Ultimately, however, your children are responsible for their choices whether or not peer pressure played a role. It’s in everyone’s best interest to prepare your children to do what is right – no matter how much their peers may pressure or tease them.

There’s a fun family devotional you can do to help begin the discussion about peer pressure. Tell your children the story of how Saul became king, found in 1 Samuel chapters 8-11. Focus especially on how the people wanted to be like everyone else (in the countries surrounding them) and have a king. Discuss with your kids why the Israelites might have wanted to be like the nations around them. Older children and teens may also want to discuss why with all of the many differences between nations, the Israelites focused on having a king.

With younger children, peer pressure should be discussed as wanting to be “just like your friends”. Older children are already aware of peer pressure, but it is helpful to discuss the meaning as well as possible pros and cons of peer pressure.

With younger children focus on verses like Proverbs 13:20 (whoever walks with the wise will become wise, etc.) and the importance of listening to friends when what they say is wise/matches what God has told us to do.

Older children and teens can handle a slightly more sophisticated discussion including other aspects like those found in Galatians 1:10 (seeking approval of man) and I Corinthians 15:33-34 (bad company ruins good morals).

Ask your kids how hard it is to avoid wanting to go along with the crowd/be like everyone else/peer pressure. What are some of the things they do when they are faced with a choice between doing what their friends are doing and doing what God wants them to do? Be aware at this age, they will potentially say all of the right things, but in reality be doing the exact opposite. It may help to give them appropriate examples or ask them for examples of when “other” kids struggle with peer pressure.

Give your children a large piece of paper and have them glue a paper bag to the sheet. They can add the title “My Bag of Tricks For Peer Pressure”. You may also want them to add one of the above verses or another verse on the topic to the paper.

With pre-readers talk about the “tricks” on the cards. Have them glue the cards to the paper and draw pictures of those tips. For older children, have them generate as many ideas as they can on their own to write on the cards and glue to the papers.

Here are some suggestions, if they run out of ideas:
• Memorize one of the Bible verses and say it to yourself whenever you are tempted.
• Practice saying, “No, thank you.” kindly, but firmly.
• Walk away.
• Just keep saying “No thank you” over and over.
• Have a secret signal with your parent(s) that means you are tempted by peer pressure and they need to come get you.
• Don’t hang out with people or in places where you might be tempted to do something ungodly.
• Remind yourself of all of the possible negative things that could happen when you give in and disobey God. (If you are really brave, share them out loud, because others may not want to give in either and will follow your lead.)
• Offer another choice that is godly to do instead.
• Remind yourself “everyone is doing it” is not true and you are not “the only one who isn’t doing it”.
• Make sure you are well rested, eat healthy foods at regular times, exercise, etc. It’s much easier to give in to temptation when you are hungry or tired.
• Make decisions before your peers ask you to do something about what you will and will not do (For example: “I won’t get drunk.).
• Don’t feel like you have to give a reason to say “No”. “No” is a complete sentence.

Your children may have lots of other great ideas. This list is not complete. It is merely given to help add to whatever ideas your kids may generate. Don’t end the discussion after this one devotional. Continue it periodically – even into adulthood. Regular reminders and strategy sessions can help your children make wiser, more godly choices – no matter what their friends and acquaintances are doing.

Overcoming the Fear of Tough Christian Parenting Conversations

Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think there is a parent alive that gets excited about having a difficult conversation with their children. Whether you need to share disappointing news, correction or an explanation about God’s instructions on subjects like sex, effective Christian parenting means having lots of conversations that just aren’t fun. Often, the very idea of having one of those conversations leaves a knot in our stomachs and a feeling of panic setting in.

Fear encourages procrastination. Why not try to postpone something that might cause embarrassment, hurt feelings or conflict? Who knows? The conversation may be easier after a good night’s sleep, finals are over or everyone is in a better mood. The problem is that procrastination often delays these tough conversations indefinitely, if not permanently.

The problem is that your children desperately need you to have these conversations with them. They need you to teach them what God wants them to do, help them create plans for obeying Him and even help them practice using these important scriptures/skills. They need you to overcome your fear, because often they are even more afraid than you are. They know you have their best interests at heart and will give them godly advice. But let’s be honest. Asking your parents questions about topics like sex is not high on most young people’s list of fun things to do.

So what can you do to push past the fear and have the tough conversations you have been avoiding?

Pray. Not just while you are mustering your courage, but also right before you start speaking to your child and in the process of speaking to him or her. Don’t forget to pray afterwards that your child will seriously consider and heed any godly wisdom or advice you shared.
Read scripture. Not just any Bible verses, but seriously study everything you can find in the Bible about the topic of the conversation. At times, you may even need to re-read every parenting verse you can find as well. Don’t forget all of the verses that counsel how to have tough conversations with others.
Ask for help from strong Christians. You are probably not an expert on the topics you must cover, which is another reason for your fears. Ask your minister, elders or a Bible class teacher for guidance. It is likely they have had the same conversation you are dreading many times and can share what they have found makes the other person more receptive. Don’t forget parents who have raised children who are strong, productive Christians as adults. These parents have done a lot of things right. You may find they avoided the conversation themselves. Or they may have had it with their children and even variations of the conversation with their children’s friends, too. (Successful Christian parents often also mentor one or more of their children’s friends.)
For some topics, read ”polished” answers. These aren’t available for every tough conversation, but groups like Focus on the Family and strong books on Apologetics often provide well thought out answers to common questions children and teens have on specific topics. You don’t have to memorize it (and probably shouldn’t or it will sound like you are “fake”). Just either say the same thing in your own words or share the resource (when appropriate) with your child and then discuss it. (While reading something from a neutral third larty can help, your kids still need to discuss it with you.)
Practice. Ask your spouse or someone else who knows your child really well to practice with you. Have them play the part of your child and practice what you will say. Encourage them to react in more than one way so you can feel more comfortable regardless of the reaction you get from your child.

Difficult conversations will never be fun. Your children, however, need you to overcome your fears and have those tough conversations with them. It is a crucial aspect of Christian parenting.

Helping Children Process Emotions During Stressful or Traumatic Events

I originally wrote this post for friends in Ukraine, but realize that many of the tips can help your children, too. They may not be experiencing a war outside your door, but they too have experiences which are distressing or traumatic. using these tips can help minimize the permanent negative impact and even help them begin healing in the midst of what it happening.

Here are some things you can do to help your children process their thoughts and emotions about the traumatic events around them.

1. As worried as you might be, do not force your children to talk. Encourage them and give them opportunities, because talking is part of processing, but some children need to think about things awhile before they are ready to talk.

2. Be patient. Your child might talk a lot one day, the next day talk about random things that have nothing to do with the war and not talk much at all the next. All of that is normal.

3. Avoid asking questions that can be answered with one word like, “How are you?” The answer is almost always “Fine”. Try instead to ask questions like “what emotions are you feeling right now” that are more likely to give you more information in their answers.

4. Consider teaching them how to use a scale for each emotion with a 1 meaning I don’t feel this emotion much at all to a 10 this emotion feels almost or totally out of control. This helps both you and them monitor the intensity and change in emotions.

5. Many of you have little ones or children with special needs. Some may have trouble naming emotions. Try describing what their body might feel like with a specific emotion and if they say that’s how they are feeling, name the emotion. For example “I feel like crying” is sad. My fists are all balled up and I feel like I want to punch something” is angry, etc.

6 For non verbal children with special needs, draw a happy face, sad face, etc and see if you can get them to point to the one they are feeling.

7. When explaining what is happening (note that this was written for Ukrainians, but the emotions and temptations can apply to multiple circumstances) use the simplest possible explanation for now. Try not to overstate or make promises you can’t keep. “Some people are doing things that are hurting other people and that makes us and God very sad.” Is more constructive than extreme anger, hatred, cursing, etc. Believe me, I understand your anger and frustration and I am in no place to judge how you are dealing with everything. I do know, however, that you do not want your sweet children to grow up to be bitter, angry adults with hard cruel hearts like those that are causing trouble now. Moderating your anger when talking with and around your children can keep their hearts soft and loving in spite of what they are experiencing. And those are the hearts that God can use the most.

8. If you have access to crayons, pens, paper…it doesn’t have to be fancy, but art is one of the very best ways for them to express their emotions right now. (We will go into other strategies when things calm down) Let them draw anything they want. Don’t panic if their drawings seem dark or even strange right now. Limited art supplies can sometimes explain choices that were made in the design rather than some emotional issue.

9. If you have to flee (for Ukraine, but could apply in natural disasters here), but want to take a few toys, choose a stuffed animal first and then toys like figures they can use to act out scenarios. Don’t worry for now about the content of the play, just let them get those emotions out talking to their teddy bear or playing war games with the toys. You can get help sorting through all that from a professional later if needed.

10. Realize your child might experience flight, fight or freeze reactions because of the trauma. This may or may not be accompanied by behavioral issues from lack of sleep, low blood sugar, change in routine and a hundred other things. It’s okay to correct them, but go lighter than normal on the consequences for rebellious behavior. We all need a little extra grace when under huge amounts of stress. It does not excuse negative behaviors which is why correction is necessary, but their lives right now feel like one huge consequence.

11. Your kids may need new strategies for all of these new experiences. Clearly define any expectations that will be put on them and try to help them adjust as much as possible.

12. Do not count to get them to behave or give them lots of repeated warnings before you give correction. You may be in a situation where their very lives may depend on first time compliance to your commands in certain situations. Older ones can understand the realities. Don’t scare little ones. Just tell them it helps you keep them safe. Promise you will explain why you asked them to do something after they have obeyed you.

13 When your children are frightened and in flight, fight or freeze mode, they will have a hard time making good decisions, having discussions about behaviors, verbally expressing their emotions, etc. Their brain has slipped into the lower brain functions we discussed – the ones we would use if we saw a bear right in front of us. When they calm down a bit and feel safer, their brain can return to doing some of those higher mental skills.

14. Be aware of triggers. Sounds that are similar to air raid sirens and bombs exploding may trigger them for quite some time even when it isn’t really those things. Be aware that those triggers will send them back into fight, flight and feeeze mode.

15. Don’t worry too much if they regress to earlier childhood behaviors like thumb sucking, bed wetting, etc. Those will usually calm down once things calm down.

16. Give them as much sleep as they can possibly get given your circumstances. Let them sleep off and on all day and night if they need to catch up.

17. Watch for extreme fluctuations in personality lasting more than a few days. None of you is your “normal” self under these circumstances and that is normal. I would only be concerned with extreme changes in personality lasting more than a few days. If you don’t have access to a professional over there, let me know and we will figure out a way to get you some help.

18. Don’t be afraid to teach them about the emotions God and Jesus had. Older children can benefit from reading Psalms and as mentioned in the first post, encourage them to pray their emotions to God especially if they don’t want to talk to you yet. Some children understand the stress you are experiencing and will push down their own emotions to avoid causing you more stress.

19. Don’t forbid them to cry or criticize the emotions they are feeling. It is what it is right now. The trick is teaching them not to make bad choices when they are feeling strong emotions.

If you would like a copy of this in Ukrainian to share with friends there, please message me and I will get you a copy.