When Your Kid Doesn’t Fit In

We all seem to be a bit hardwired to want to fit in….to be popular. It’s perhaps a little less common in adults, but for children and teens it can be a major preoccupation. Some are content with being on the margins of popularity, while others will do literally anything to be considered popular or a member of the top social group.

While there are Christian character traits that will make people more likable in general, our beliefs mean we can’t do or even believe a lot of what popular culture and hence many peer groups promote. Your kids may go to a Christian school, which can help, but often even “Christian” kids aren’t really living their faith or even have any knowledge of what God commands of His people.

The truth is that if your kids are going to be strong Christians, they also need to learn how to stand with God – even if it means they are left out of parties or certain people they like won’t date them or befriend them. They need to learn how to do this without it destroying their self esteem or causing them to become arrogant, bitter or ugly in how they treat those who reject them.

They need your help in identifying their support network. Who are those people who will accept them and encourage them to obey God – even if they don’t agree with their Christian beliefs? Who will support them when they are struggling? Who will listen when they need to vent? Who will give them hugs or pray for them?

Remind them that even when you aren’t around to love and support them in person, you are always praying for them. Encourage them to use prayer and scripture to remind themselves that God is with them. Teach them how to reach out to their support network when they are struggling.

The truth is that Christians are never truly alone. Satan wants your kids to feel passing loneliness to their core. He wants them to crave fitting in and being popular. If he can accomplish that, it will be easy to get your kids to disobey God in a myriad of ways. Because the truth is that culture will always be anti God even when it pretends to be Christian. Your kids have to have the strength and courage to stand alone if necessary to please God. Fitting into the culture surrounding us rarely ends well for the Christian. Teach your kids to be comfortable on the margins.

Fun Family Activity on Controlling Your Words

One of the great things about little children is that they have no filter. If they think it, they are extremely likely to say it! While that can be funny at times, they can also say things that unintentionally hurt the feelings of others. Over time, most children begin to develop a filter of sorts. They learn that it is probably not the best idea to say certain things. As the world around them is beginning to have no filter, however, you will have to spend more time working with your children on developing a godly filter between their thoughts and words. There is a fun mini family devotional and activity you can do with your kids to begin the process.

For the activity you will need white paper, markers or crayons, pens and scissors. Call your kids together and tell them the story found in Numbers 20:7-12. Point out that Moses evidently thought he would strike the rock instead of speaking to it as God commanded. His thoughts convinced him to (in this case) not say something God told Moses to say. More often though, we think something and shouldn’t say it, but do.

Give your children each a sheet of paper. Have them draw a brain at the top and a mouth at the bottom. The drawings don’t have to be fancy, just clear enough so your kids will remember which is which. Then have them cut another sheet of paper into strips.

Have them write on slips of paper things they often think, but shouldn’t say out loud. They can stick these slips to their brain drawings with glue or tape. Then have them write on slips the types of things they should be saying to others and tape those slips to the drawings of their mouth. Older children can draw a filter between their brain and mouth and write down things they could say to themselves to remind them to not actually speak things that shouldn’t be said.

After they are finished, talk about their art. How hard is it for them to remember to not say certain things? What can they do to get better at filtering their thoughts before speaking? Why does God want them to be so careful about what they say to others? With older children also talk about the difference between opinion and truth and that it isn’t necessary to share their opinion with anyone. (Note: “Their truth” is usually an opinion and not an objective truth.) You might also want to all memorize scriptures like James 1:26 and 1 Peter 3:10.

If you have children who are extroverted, you will need to revisit this conversation multiple times. Extroverts are more likely to speak, which often increases the chances they will say something they shouldn’t. Introverts aren’t immune to saying unkind things, however. They just may say it a little more quietly or think no one hears them because they are saying it under their breath.

If your family has developed really bad speech habits, you may want to have a fine jar for collecting fines when people don’t filter their speech. Of course, once your kids can control their tongues, don’t forget to work with them on controlling those negative thoughts to begin with! The Bible says this is one of the most difficult skills to master, so make sure you spend plenty of time with your kids working on it.

Top Tips For Helping Your Kids With Friendship Issues

Your kids are learning a lot about life in addition to all of the academic and other things they learn in a day. Perhaps one of the most important things they are learning is how to navigate relationships successfully. You would think that as important as relationships with family and friends are in life, someone would spend a lot of time actively teach children and teens how to have great ones, but no one really does.

So, young people are left to struggle with the old trial and error method. Some kids seem to instinctively know how to “make friends and influence people”, while others struggle their entire lives. Those who excel at relationships often have naturally engaging or outgoing personalities. Many also have great parents who teach them how to be a good friend as well as how to choose good friends.

But even the most savvy teen, will find times when it seems the world has gone mad. They may be hurt by a cutting remark, laughed at, teased, excluded, gossiped about or have any number of other relationship issues. If it’s the first time this negative behavior has been experienced, your children may be not only hurt, but at a loss as to what they should do next.

When they come to you for comfort and advice, it’s really important to handle it in a way that will help them as they grow older. Here are some of our top tips.

  1. Listen empathetically without adding too much fuel to the fire. Your kids need you to listen and empathize, but you don’t have to get them more upset than they already are. There is a huge difference between saying, “That must have hurt your feelings” and “I think I would have punched her if I were in your shoes”. One is expressing empathy, while the other could help the person become angrier than he or she already is.
  2. Don’t minimize their pain. Yes, you know that a breakup in their 20’s is much worse than the rejection of an elementary school crush, but telling your child that in the moment isn’t going to help. Neither are statements like, “What’s the big deal?”. Your child is upset. Feelings are feelings. Don’t add anger to the mix by not allowing them to feel what they are already feeling.
  3. Listen until there is nothing left to say. It’s tempting to try and get your kids to skip ahead to the end when you feel like you’ve gotten the gist of the situation. To process what happened, however, your child may need to tell you a lot more details. Cutting them off too quickly can left them feeling unheard and just add to their problems.
  4. Allow some time and space for calming. You may know your child needs to give the friend the benefit of the doubt or see the issue from the other perspective. In the heat of the moment, this is almost impossible to do. Give your child a little time to cool off before starting a conversation that addresses things they may need to change or do to “fix” the situation.
  5. Whenever possible guide, don’t tell. Young people often find it easier to do something when it feels like it was their idea and not forced upon them by their parents. Ask guiding questions to help them discover the correct path for themselves. Only intervene, if they just don’t seem to be getting the issue.
  6. Whenever possible, let them handle their issues themselves. Your kids don’t need you fussing at their friends or calling their friends’ parents to get them in trouble. This may happen in extreme cases, but should be the exception and not the rule.
  7. Encourage godly principles like forgiveness and reconciliation. At young ages, sometimes kids need to move on from a friendship. Even then though, they should be encouraged to forgive the other person and avoid trying to get some sort of revenge.
  8. Have regular conversations about how to choose good friends and how to be a good friend. Being a good friend is an important skill set. So is choosing friends who will be supportive and help you be your best self. Both need to be actively taught, but rarely are. Taking on the responsibility for teaching your kids will give them the instruction they need.

Being a great friend and choosing great friends takes time. Your kids may need your guidance from time to time. Make sure you are there for them when they need it.

Teaching Your Children About Manipulation

Children seem to be born knowing how to manipulate others. Studies have shown even relatively young babies can learn to manipulate adults with their cries. While no one would accuse an infant of being manipulative, it can be pretty easy for children to realize that certain behaviors will get others to do what you want them to do.

Left unaddressed, manipulation can quickly become a standard way of operating in life. While your children may feel as if they are getting everything they want using their manipulation tactics of choice, they are actually losing something far more valuable – healthy, loving relationships in their lives. It is important that parents not only recognize, but also point out and correct their children when they attempt to manipulate others.

First, we need to understand what types of behaviors are used to manipulate others. Some of these are particularly common in children, while others are more typical of hard core adult manipulators. (As your children reach dating age, they need to understand and be able to recognize these behaviors as they are often warning signs of a potentially abusive person in a romantic relationship.) Here are the behaviors most experts list as manipulative:

  1. Lying
  2. Denying something is true
  3. Crying and emotional outbursts like tantrums (It’s important to note that not all crying is manipulative. A child crying from hunger, pain, etc. is not being manipulative and should have his or her needs met and/or be comforted.)
  4. Passive aggressive behaviors
  5. Gas lighting (Trying to convince the other person an alternate reality is true, usually wherein the other person caused the gas lighter to behave in a negative way.)
  6. Silent treatment
  7. Threats
  8. Name calling
  9. Extreme or unmerited criticism
  10. Over reaction
  11. Verbal abuse
  12. Yelling
  13. Cursing
  14. Withholding affection
  15. “Love bombing” (over the top romantic gestures in a new relationship – often a key warning sign of a narcissist and/or abusive person)
  16. Blaming
  17. Whining

See a few behaviors that sound familiar? Since manipulation is rarely dealt with in parenting, chances are pretty strong you were never corrected for manipulating others as a child and use some manipulative behaviors yourself. So why does manipulation cause problems in relationships? Why should you take the time and trouble to correct and teach your children or clean up your own manipulative behaviors – especially when they can be so helpful in getting us what we want?

It is important to note as Christians two important factors. The first is that many manipulation techniques at their heart are some form of lying. The Bible tells us in multiple places that God abhors lying and liars. While that alone is problematic, the other issue is that God calls us to love other people the way He loves us – with agape love. Agape, or the highest form of pure love, seeking the best for others – would never try to manipulate others for selfish desires (or even under the guise of in the best interest of others). Manipulation is just not something a Christian should be known for doing.

Even secular researchers have a rather lengthy list of the problems that can be caused when one person manipulates another – especially on a regular basis.

  1. The manipulator is known as a liar.
  2. It is difficult to trust someone who manipulates others.
  3. Others may change their behaviors to satisfy the manipulator without changing the underlying attitudes or beliefs the manipulator really wanted to change.
  4. Instead of having the joy attached to earning or deserving positive things, manipulators know they actually tricked others into giving them to them.
  5. Others begin to doubt themselves and feel anxious around manipulators.
  6. It takes away the ability of others to voice their true feelings, emotions and/or beliefs.
  7. Others feel as if they are always “walking on eggshells” around manipulators and can never truly relax and be themselves.

If you want your children to live the Christian life God wants for them – including having healthy, loving relationships – you need to teach them about manipulation and help them eradicate it from their lives. And since your children often imitate you – take the time to rid your life of manipulation as well.

Why Your Kids Need “Old”People in Their Lives

Ageism has always existed – otherwise God would not have had to command people to take care of their elderly parents. Over the centuries though, some cultures have realized the value of respecting older people and considering whatever wisdom they may have to share. Ours is not one of those cultures. To be quite fair, we should treat everyone with respect regardless of their age – as Christians it is one of our “top two” commands. And, I hasten to admit, not everyone grows wiser as they grow older – some just continue making poor choices and advising others to do the same. Throughout the Bible though, God commands older people to teach and mentor younger people and younger people to be willing to take advice and learn from them (when it matches God’s Word).

Perhaps you are reluctant to try and create opportunities for your children to spend time with older adults. You may think your schedule is already overbooked or that all the older people you know aren’t very wise… after all, they know nothing about technology or the latest trends. Before you close this post and continue isolating your children from “old” people, consider these thoughts on providing your children with lots of interactions with the senior citizen set.

  • Your children need to know the value of wisdom – especially wisdom from God. Wisdom that isn’t from God isn’t wisdom. (Godly wisdom can, however, can be shared by people who have rejected God – although they are often unaware from whence it came). Knowledge is not wisdom, although it is necessary to have knowledge to become wise. Tech savvy – or the lack thereof – has no relation to wisdom. Older people are not the only ones who can be wise, but there is a element of wisdom connected to life experience. Proverbs 1:7 reinforces that fools despise wisdom and that wisdom is rooted in the fear/respect of the Lord. Wisdom can protect them from making poor choices and reaping the negative consequences.
  • Teach your children that knowledge and wisdom should be actively sought. Wisdom isn’t going to just fill their heads because they ate the right foods, exercised or slept well. Pursuing wisdom – reading scripture, listening to wise, godly people and other active pursuits of knowledge and wisdom are needed to become wise.
  • Teach your children to recognize the signs that someone is wise. Thankfully, God gave us a pretty thorough list in James 3:17… godly wisdom is pure, peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. Godly wisdom will never contradict the Bible. No Christian is perfect, but a wise Christian will regularly display these attributes – and so will their advice.
  • Help your children understand the value of life experience. Here is where older adults can help your children in all sorts of ways in addition to spiritually. Maybe after years of cooking, they have learned what ingredients can add something special to a dish or be substituted – and what happens when you don’t keep their advice in mind. Or they’ve learned a quicker way of doing something or a way to hold something together with paper clips or duct tape until you can get it fixed. Spiritually speaking, they have seen a lifetime of examples of people who did or did not obey God and what happened. They know from experience that disobeying and rejecting God never ends well.
  • Encourage your kids to find things in common with older people. Realizing they have things in common is a great first step into developing empathy, love and respect for older people.
  • Take advantage of the time to listen and mentor that many older adults have to share with your children. Today’s young people are in pain today in part because they have no one to listen to them and mentor them. The adults in their lives are too busy to give them much time and attention. Finding an older mentor for your children can give them the extra attention they need and someone to support the godly things you are telling them.
  • Find older people who are encouragers. Everybody could use another person in their lives who will encourage them. Keep your older friends aware of when your children have events or could use an encouraging conversation to keep trying.
  • Teach your children Paul’s formula for using people as inspiration. In 1 Corinthians 11:1, Paul advises readers to follow him only as he followed Christ. Even the most godly Christian people sin. Your children’s ultimate example should always be Christ. If they admire something about someone older, it is fine to use the person as inspiration – as long as the person was following Christ in what they did.

Make the time in your family calendar to spend time with “old” people. All of your lives may be richer because of the experience.