Friendship – Parenting Like Hannah

Spiritual Disciplines for Your Kids – Fellowship

Growing up, we lived 30-45 minutes from the church we attended. For most of my years in school, I didn’t attend school with anyone from my church. Yet some of my best friends were those who attended church with me. Oh, I had plenty of friends at school. I was popular enough to be elected officers in clubs, for my class senior year and for the school in student government. But I would go out of my way on weekends to spend time with my friends from church.

Why was this fellowship with my Christian friends so important to me as a teenager? Because they understood me on a deep spiritual level. We had similar values and made similar choices. We dealt with similar issues at school because of our moral choices. We shared beliefs in the most important thing in the world – God and everything connected to Him.

Fast forward to today and a lot of children and teens being raised in a Christian home spend their time with their secular friends. Or their parents choose a church not based on solid biblical theology, but on merely on where their children’s best friends attend. Neither option is helping your kids find the type of friends who will encourage them to obey God and challenge them to grow to their full God given potential.

Not only that, but COVID evidently taught many families that church attendance was optional. That virtual church provided all of the benefits of in person church without the hassles. Only it doesn’t. At in person services, your children will meet all sorts of people that make following God their top priority. They will learn from some, be mentored by some and be challenged by some. They will be loved and supported in many ways – but especially spiritually- by many. Those relationships that are so vital are impossible to make virtually.

What if you are attending a church in person that is biblically strong, but your kids are having trouble making friends? First, teach them that the kids at church are family, not just friends. Just like they have to spend time and be kind with cousins they may not particularly care for, they need to love, respect and be kind to other kids their age at church. They also need to learn that often secular friendships are based on really shallow things. People with spiritual friendships may not have a lot in common, but they have each other’s backs – no matter what. Those friends are so hard to find, but your church has plenty of them if your kids will give them a chance.

Finally, help your kids build relationships that encourage fellowship by being hospitable. It doesn’t have to be fancy or involve food any fancier than a popsicle. Have over kids their age from church. Have over other families. Do things with older people. Go to the park as a small group. Provide your kids with lots of opportunities to fellowship and for the vast majority, those relationships will gradually build.

I live hundreds of miles from the kids I grew up with in church. My parents moved away when I was in my twenties. But the other month we traveled to where one of my best church friends now lives with her own family. We got together for lunch and it was like no time had passed at all. Deep down we still had those same priorities in common and we knew that no matter what, we would always be there for each other. Give your kids that same gift.

Helping Your Kids Navigate Valentine’s Day

No offense to the person who decided Valentine’s Day should be a major Hallmark holiday, but talk about setting people up for disappointment! Ironically, all of the romance movie channels have made it worse. Even the great guys out there would have trouble measuring up to the heroes who instinctively meet the every need of the heroine – even before she knows she needs it. They always say and do the right things and their biggest flaw is their humble inability to realize their love is returned by the heroine!

Now as adults, experienced in dating, love and marriage, we generally see the humor in these movies. But who hasn’t on a day when their spouse wasn’t showing their particular best side occasionally sighed at the perfect words and actions of the movie hero? Even if your kids have never seen a rom com or Hallmark movie, these ideas of “perfect love” seep into the culture of even very young children. Even elementary aged children can feel pressured to find the perfect “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.

I’ll never forget hearing a fourth grade girl tell the other girls that they couldn’t hang with her unless they could prove they had a boyfriend! Or hearing my professor tell me that in several elementary schools in her county, fifth graders defined dating as having someone tell you to do things like carry their books so they would call you their boyfriend or girlfriend and not lie and tell everyone you were gay. Your kids are probably being exposed to a jumble of messages about romance, love, dating and marriage. They have no way to sort them out without your help. Without it, they may choose to believe all sorts of unhealthy and even toxic or dangerous messages. (I hesitate to mention the girl in my sixth grade class who got pregnant so she would have someone to love her.)

You still have time before Friday to start talking about what healthy love in a romantic relationship looks like according to God. Some of God’s truths are scoffed at today, but they are commands for a reason. God knows what is best for us and wants to make sure we know how important it is to follow His wisdom. So He made them commands. But it goes beyond commands about sex and marriage. Romantic wisdom from God includes understanding agape love and what it means to help someone be the best Christian they can be (Here’s an unsolicited and unrewarded plug for Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.). Your kids need to know how to give agape love to those they date and their eventual spouse, but they also need to be careful to only date people who are the type of people they would want to marry – godly Christians who practice what they believe – including agape love.

Don’t just have these conversations now, have them all throughout the year. Have them frequently. Talk about all sorts of important topics within the realm of dating and marriage. Talk about being a healthy, happy single and refusing to settle. With your older kids and teens, this can be a great time to pull out all of your dating horror stories so they don’t feel so awkward sharing with you! Talk about purity. Perhaps most importantly, remind them that even if they feel unlovable because someone has rejected them, it isn’t true. Because God will always love them, as will you. Those whispers of being unloved and unlovable come from Satan, not God. Don’t let Satan’s whispers push them into unhealthy relationships. The loneliness they feel at times can be mitigated with prayer, reading scripture, fellowshipping with Christians and serving others.

Don’t leave your kids alone to navigate the turbulent waters of dating, love and marriage. Help them know which way to go.

Fun Way to Teach Your Kids About Friendship

Friends are a huge influence in the lives of many children and teens. You can’t just assume your kids know how to choose close friends who will support and encourage them. Nor can you assume your children will automatically know how to be a good friend to others. It’s important to have regular conversations about friendship. Fortunately, there are some fun things you can do with your kids while having these conversations.

Find a recipe you want to teach your kids how to make. It can be for one of their favorite dishes or something fun like cookies. Take the time to show them the recipe and talk about the importance of following it well if you want the food to turn out great. Talk about what would happen if you put a cup of salt instead of a cup of sugar in your cookie recipe or didn’t follow the recipe in other ways.

While your recipe is cooking, read or tell your kids the story of David and Jonathan found in 1 Samuel 20. Ask your kids to point out the clues in the story that Jonathan and David were good friends to each other. How did they support and encourage one another?

Give your kids some blank paper and pens, crayons or markers. Explain that just like your recipe, there is a recipe for what makes a great close friend. (For some children, you may want to explain the differences between acquaintances, casual friends and close friends.) Give them time to create and illustrate their “recipe” for a great friend. After they have finished, discuss their answers. What else should they add? What things would be nice, but aren’t essential? Why are the best friends sometimes different from us in key areas? Which of these characteristics do they see in their current friends? If they don’t have close friends, where might they begin trying to find them? What are some good ways to make new friends?

Like many other conversations about important topics, you will have to revisit friendship multiple times over the years. If not, you may find your kids are choosing friends who are gradually pulling them away from God.

Teaching Your Kids About Friendship Levels

As a Christian parent, you are probably teaching your children to be kind and loving to everyone. Which is absolutely what you should be doing. It’s important, however, to also teach them how to be discerning in their friendships.

While that sounds counter-Christian, even Jesus had different layers of intimacy with various people. He was closer to his Apostles than he was to other people. He had a special friendship with Mary, Martha and Lazarus. He wasn’t as close to Judas as he was to John. And there were reasons for each one of those choices. Of course he was closer to John, because he knew John loved him and he could trust him (as far as we know, John was the only Apostle at the crucifixion). Judas, on the other hand, was stealing money from their funds and he knew would later betray him.

While your children should be loving and kind to everyone, granting certain intimacies to the wrong people can hurt them in multiple ways. It can lead to betrayals that range from gossip to allowing themselves to be convinced to do things they shouldn’t (which can at times lead to injury, trouble with authorities or even death).

Discernment is a biblical principle. Hebrews 5:14 tells us that a sign of spiritual maturity is discernment – the ability to distinguish between what is good and what is evil. While the children who can cause your kids trouble are not necessarily going to rise to the level of evil, they can still cause them a lot of pain and trouble.

So how do you teach your kids discernment when it comes to friendship? It begins by teaching them about three levels of friendship.

Best friends. There is no limit to the number of best friends one can have. The trick is not in the number, but in the choosing. Best friends should be people your kids can trust to keep a secret. People who have their best interests at heart – whether it’s standing up for them or encouraging them to be the best they can be. Best friends are encouragers, supporters, nurturers. They can also be fun and have interests in common, even though those things aren’t mandatory. Of course the very best friends will be Christians. Why? Because if God is the most important thing in the lives of your children and their best friends, they will hopefully be operating from a biblical worldview. Having friends who understand why your kids make unpopular choices and make the same ones themselves can make the teen years so much easier for your children.
Friends. These are often people your children enjoy spending time with doing similar activities. Often they haven’t risen to the level of best friend because they haven’t known them long enough to know whether or not they can be trusted, they don’t have enough in common or they enjoy being together but your child knows they can’t keep secrets or aren’t supportive during tough times.
Acquaintances. This is everybody else. Your children should be kind and loving to these people – regardless. They shouldn’t do things they know will be hurtful to them. Some acquaintances may later become friends and some will stay at this level – and that’s okay. Jesus didn’t become close to everyone he met, but he was kind and loving to them, served them and taught them what God wanted them to know. Jesus didn’t need to be everyone’s best friend in order to help them get to Heaven.

Have constant conversations about friendship with your kids. Because at their age, friendships can help determine the choices they make that can impact the rest of their lives.

Fun Holiday Dinner Conversation Starters for Kids

Holiday meals and gatherings can add an interesting dynamic to any family. Suddenly large groups of family members are spending time together who may not normally see each other for a variety of reasons. Children can be shy around people they don’t know well in general and if your kids spend a lot of time online, making conversation may not be one of their strongest skills.

It’s not just the kids though. Sometimes adults become very stilted and awkward around children. Or they ask embarrassing questions or feel a family gathering is a great time to give a personal critique of everything about your child they find unfortunate. Throw in a few random discussions about politics and family hot topics and things can go wrong very quickly.

Thankfully, there is something fun you can do to encourage healthy conversations when everyone gets together. Place conversation starters in front of every place setting. Each person should have unique questions in front of them. These are open ended questions designed to get people opening up in fun ways and telling stories. You can find free printable conversation starter cards online, but add a few of your own. Make sure to include a few that encourage the Christians in your family to share their faith stories. Questions like, “Tell about a time you saw God working in your life” or “tell about a time you realized God was smarter and wiser than you” can provide some interesting faith stories.

If you have people in your family who have rejected God, place questions in front of their plate that are more subtle about pointing them to God, like “name three things for which you are grateful” or “what is your favorite way to help others”. Their answers might let others get a peak into how to better minister to them.

If you know a family member has a particularly good story to share, you can give them a set up question that will hopefully lead to the story, like “tell about your funniest encounter with someone famous” or “tell about the time an older relative had an interesting encounter with the mailman”.

Have fun with it. You can take turns with everybody listening to the same stories or divide the table into smaller conversational groups. If you do smaller groups, bring everyone into the same conversation during dessert and have everyone share the most interesting or funniest thing they learned.

This year minimize awkward and boring conversations. Have some fun and bond as a family by learning more about each other.