Parent/Child Relationship – Parenting Like Hannah

When Helping Your Kids With School Hurts

I am not sure why, but it always seems like the Spring semester in school is the worst. School stress to your kids feels as burdensome as job stress does to adults. They may even have unpleasant physical and psychological symptoms as a result. Worse yet, if they get too stressed, it can become difficult to focus and remember the things they need to do well in their classes. As parents, we hate to see our children suffer. So what do loving parents want to do? Help them of course!

As a parent and someone with a degree in education, however, I can promise you that there are ways some parents help their kids with school work that actually hurts their children in the long run. The most obvious reason is that they aren’t learning when you are completing work for them. The other reason is easily forgotten by parents. Giving your children too much help with homework is cheating. Cheating on schoolwork is basically lying – you are both trying to make the teacher believe your child did the work you actually did. And lying is one of those sins God mentions He hates multiple times in scripture.

Beyond the actual lie of cheating, you are basically telling your kids to ignore any and all of God’s commands when they become inconvenient or they don’t like or agree with them. Putting it bluntly, you are undermining your children’s faith foundations in a critical way.

So where is the line when helping your child is acceptable and when have you crossed the line to cheating? Here are some tips.

Remember your child is supposed to do the work. Homework is supposedly assigned because the teacher believes their students need extra practice or a learning opportunity for which they don’t have time in class. Trust me. I am well aware this is not always the case and some homework is more of a time waster than anything else. Even then, your child is learning to obey authority and “work as though working for the Lord”. Let’s be honest. In every job or career there are moments when you are asked to do things that are just as exasperating. Boring homework is building that “muscle” in your kids.
Ask the teacher. If you have any doubts that you may be crossing the line, ask your child’s teachers. Different teachers have different standards for what they consider acceptable parental engagement with their child’s work. Better to clarify than risk stepping over the line.
Remember helping is not doing. Math homework is a great example of how to help without doing the work. Talk your child through the steps of the problem. “What do you do next?” “What number goes there?” If you have to show an example, make up your own problem instead of using one from the assignment. (BTW YouTube is your friend if you have forgotten how to do it yourself or they are using a method that is different than the one you were taught.)
Your child’s projects should look like a child did them. I remember our daughter had to build a city or something similar in elementary school. I helped her buy the supplies and turned her loose. When we took the project to school a few days later, I remember watching a child walk in with a project who obviously had an architect for a parent. My heart sank for a second as our daughter fretted a bit. The bottom line was that she still got an “A” and had a fun learning experience she would have missed had I done it for her.
Sometimes your kids just want company and encouragement. I’m in grad school at the moment and I totally get this. Writing a paper is not fun. Doing math is not fun. Having someone close by you can complain to and who will encourage you just makes it seem more doable and less lonely. This is particularly true if your kids are extroverts or high energy. Sitting for long periods of time alone is almost painful for both groups of kids.
Avoid using AI at all costs. There isn’t enough space here to go into the problems of using AI in school, but it can destroy your kids’ abilities to think for themselves and problem solve. Not to mention the output of AI at the moment is much more questionable than the average person realizes.
Have conversations with your child about cheating, lying, plagiarism and other related topics. The older your children get, the more carefully teachers will check for any hint of cheating. And as we have seen, careers can be ruined years after a cheating incident occurred – even if the person has been honest since then. Teach your kids how to cite sources and give credit for the things they use that were created by others. Help them establish good habits of academic honesty.

Homework is never fun for kids or parents. Doing it for them may make it seem less painful in the moment, but the long term negative consequences can be substantial. Encourage academic honesty in your home.

Making Time to Really Listen to Your Kids

One of the things I have noticed in my work with children and teens over the last couple of decades is that they are starving for someone to really listen to them. Their heart’s desire is to be heard and understood. Their preference is that this attention come from their parents, but when it doesn’t, they will talk to literally anyone who will listen – including predators.

When was the last time you really had a meaningful conversation with your children? How often do you postpone talking to them when they come to you? How often do you ask them to be quiet? How often are you only half listening to them while you are on a device or thinking about something else?

It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that a second grader’s friendship drama or a twelve year old’s locker room conversations rehashing is not that important. After all, it doesn’t involve mortgages, jobs or a health crisis. But life is often about personal perspective. To your second grader going through her first spat with her friends, it feels devastating. To your twelve year old who is concerned about what he is hearing from peers in the locker room, the confusion can cause great angst.

Your kids need a safe space to talk through their experiences and their thoughts and emotions about them. They need you to listen intently until they have nothing left they need to say. They need your help in figuring out the things they can’t understand or developing an action plan when they don’t know what to do. And they need this in varying degrees from you on a daily basis.

If your life is super hectic, try setting up rituals for listening. This will let them know that at a certain time each day, you will stop everything and give them your full attention. Maybe it’s while they are eating an afternoon snack or at dinner. Take a walk together before dinner. Perhaps a period of time before bedtime is set aside for deconstructing their day. Maybe you spend thirty minutes a child reading to them, snuggling and listening. The ritual doesn’t matter as much as the consistency. They have to be able to depend upon that time each day.

There will still be emergency situations (at least to them) when they need you to listen in the moment). I highly encourage you to stop everything and make time to listen if at all possible. Missing these opportunities when presented can lead to your children refusing to share with you in the future. Most days, however, your listening time will give them the opportunity to tell you everything they want to share.

It’s important to know that some children will chaff at a schedule. You probably already know if you have a child like this. In those cases, encourage the child to help you figure out a way for you to listen to him or her daily. Participating in creating the ritual and schedule will make it more palatable.

Make time to listen to each of your kids every day. Let the advice they need come from you so they know what God wants them to do. Don’t ignore their need for an adult to listen to them. It makes them vulnerable to all sorts of potential issues and possible harm.

Moms Have Feelings Too

I’m not sure why, but often the sweetest, most nurturing moms in the world have children who treat them in a callous manner. Ironically, these young people are usually kind to everyone else, but typically they take out all of their anger at their world on their mother.

I get it. It’s wonderful that your kids feel safe enough to release all of those pent up negative emotions on you. But there are ways for them to do that without crushing your feelings in the process.

Even very tiny children can understand, “That hurt Mommy!”. You don’t have to be harsh or lecture. Just let them know firmly, but kindly that you also have feelings that can be hurt and it’s not okay for them to say hurtful and mean things to you.

Teach them healthier ways of venting their emotions. They can cry, hit a punching bag, go for a run, paint a painting, talk about what’s happening and how they feel – there are lots of things they can do to release negative emotions instead of taking it out on you.

Moms take a lot of emotional hits in parenting. Many do it without a spouse sharing the emotional load, even if they are present. Some of those you can’t really avoid. But you don’t have to allow your kids to make you an emotional punching bag. If nothing else, remember that how you allow them to treat you may very well end up being how they treat their roommates and eventual spouse.

Be supportive of your children. Listen to them. Nurture them. Just don’t let them unleash their verbal ire onto you.

How Well Do You Know Your Kids’ Hearts?

How often do you see an article about a teen or young adult who has just murdered someone where the parent says, “I had no idea my child was capable of that.”? Almost every single time. As a parent of a now adult child, I will tell you that one of two things has happened. First, the parent is lying through his or her teeth to avoid the accusations of poor parenting. Or, two, the parent is telling the truth and honestly doesn’t know his or her child at all. Both are scary.

As a Christian parent, one of your God given responsibilities is to know the hearts of your children. Then to help those hearts long to follow God all the days of their lives. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Absolutely. There are Christian parents (even in these post Christian days) who successfully raise children who are faithful, productive Christians as adults. They are intentional. They put in the necessary effort.

But most importantly, they spend the time to really get to know the hearts of their children. It isn’t always easy. It can change from year to year. A young child who loves Jesus and wants to please him can grow into a teen who rejects God entirely. But it doesn’t happen over night in the vast majority of cases. The parents had plenty of time to notice early warning signs of weakening faith and make needed adjustments.

You can’t do that if you don’t spend enough time with your kids. Or don’t have meaningful, spiritual conversations with them. Or watch their reactions as you discuss spiritual things. Or listen when they share what is on their hearts. Knowing the hearts of your kids takes time and effort. If you don’t invest in your relationship with them, you risk setting up a dynamic where you don’t realize their faith is weakening until it’s almost too late to make a difference. There’s always hope with God, but helping your kids is easier at the very beginning of any issue than when it is full blown.

Don’t become that clueless parent on the news reels. Know, really know, your kids.

Are You Accidentally Undermining Your Children’s Trust In You?

Are you a counting parent? Counting parents use counting as a way to try and force their kids to obey them. You know the routine. “Amy, I am going to count to three and then there will be a consequence if you haven’t obeyed me.” Children learn from this type of correction, but probably not what their parents were hoping.

When you don’t expect immediate obedience and follow through with consequences for open rebellion, you are teaching your children that you cannot be trusted. Yes, they are also learning they don’t have to obey you immediately – if at all. They learn your mood impacts your patience level. They are learning they can keep rebelling until the very last second. They learn a rebellious attitude is okay as long as you pretend to obey at the last second. They learn that consequences are usually idle threats.

But they also learn they can’t trust you. Why? Because your word is not reliable. It’s impacted by your mood. Your promises to give consequences for rebellion are regularly broken. Your “no” doesn’t really mean “no”. They can’t trust that the rules you tell them are put in place to keep them safe are really as important as you say, because you regularly allow them to be broken with no consequences or real correction.

Oh, they may not be able to verbalize this growing lack of trust in you, but it’s there. The next time you say obeying a particular rule is critical, they are a little less likely to believe you. The next time you tell them that breaking a rule is so dangerous, there will be consequences, they won’t believe you are serious. Their lack of trust in you begins to fuel a growing rebellious spirit.

We took a parenting class before our daughter was born that emphasized the importance of first time compliance. Children could appeal if there were extenuating circumstances, but in general were expected to obey immediately when told to do something. It’s critical, because one day their actual lives may depend upon it.

It’s also critical, because your children learn they can trust you. When you say something is important, you back it up with action when they ignore you. This trust builds over time so that when you teach them about God, they trust you are teaching them the Truth. That when you tell them they shouldn’t do something because it is dangerous, then it must really be dangerous.

The next time your children refuse to obey you, don’t undermine their trust by counting or ignoring their rebellion. Deal with it. If you want to Christian parent well, you need their trust. It begins with enforcing what you say consistently. Say what you mean and mean what you say, is great parenting advice!