Character Training – Parenting Like Hannah

Tips for Raising Kids Who Confess

Did you ever think about how important confession is in Christianity? We are to confess our sins to God (1 John 1:19) and to one another (James 5:16). It’s impossible to repent of your sins without confessing them. It’s a central tenet of Christianity, but in many churches confession is rarely even mentioned.

While young children don’t sin, they do disobey you. What happens next? Often children begin avoiding confession when they realize admitting what they have done leads to punishment. Since the Bible also teaches parents should discipline their children, what should parents do to teach their kids to confess when they have done something wrong – whether it was a mistake or rebellion?

There are probably a lot of things you could do, but here are a few of our favorites.

Don’t over react when your child confesses something. Take a breath before beginning correction and discipline if needed. You can be firm without yelling and having a tantrum.
Don’t punish honest mistakes when confessed. One of the most common parenting mistakes is punishing children for honest mistakes. It’s okay to ask them to help clean up the mess they made if appropriate. Most of the time, you could have made the same mistake, so give them the understanding and grace you would want under the same circumstances.
Reinforce the importance of confession. Directly, intentionally teach them that God expects them to confess to Him when they sin. Encourage them to memorize a key verse or two on the topic.
Set a good example. If you made a mistake and it’s age appropriate to share it with your kids, then tell them about it. If it impacted them, apologize. If you sinned, tell them how you prayed for God to forgive you.
Praise them for their confession, while correcting and if necessary, disciplining them for their rebellion. It’s okay to let your kids know you are proud of them for their honest confession – even though you are less than thrilled with the choices that created a need for their confession.
Tell them Bible stories about people who confessed and how God/Jesus handled it. They need to hear that Jesus forgave Peter and let him know he still loved him after Peter betrayed him. There are plenty of stories in the Bible when God forgave someone after they confessed their sins and repented.

It’s important you raise children who are willing to confess their sins. Otherwise, they will struggle to repent when they sin. Take some steps now to make it a bit easier for them.

Family Game Night For Fun and Faith

I’m a big fan of family game nights. We enjoyed them when our daughter was little and still love playing games when she and her husband come visit for a week. Playing board games with your kids can build relationships and create fun family memories. They can help ease the pain when they are having issues with friends. They can teach skills, like problem solving and time management, that strengthen resilience. Did you also know that you can use games to strengthen their Bible knowledge and build on their faith foundation?

Our game chest has always been filled with a mixture of secular and Bible games. Unfortunately, when our daughter was young, there weren’t a ton of options. In a quick scan through Amazon, I found that even some popular secular games like Cranium look like they now have official Bible versions.

Be aware though that not all Bible games have equal value. Some probably aren’t any more helpful than secular games for increasing Bible knowledge or comprehension. I would suggest thinking through any purchases of Bible games. Trivia decks are fun to have in the car for road trips. If you have a secular version of the game they love, then see if you can purchase just the question decks from the Bible version and use the same game board.

Or you might want to buy an entirely new Bible game. Also think about the underlying messages it may be sending your kids. I saw one that advertised making hysterically funny drawings for Bible verses. I can see a game like that either reinforcing Bible memory work or creating a disrespect for scripture depending upon how it is structured. Sometimes youth groups and children’s ministries own Bible games and you can look through them to see if they are something you want to purchase for home use. Or a Christian you know may already own the game and can tell you about it.

Just because a game is advertised as “Christian” or “Bible” doesn’t mean it will help your kids grow spiritually. Don’t forget, your kids can also learn character lessons by playing any games – even secular ones. The important thing is to have regular game nights. If you need a new game, consider a Bible one. It may add another dimension to the fun.

When Does Helping Your Kids With Homework Become Cheating?

The homework wars are real. Parents don’t like homework any more than their kids do. There are articles debating the importance of homework versus free time, yet many teachers still assign quite a bit of homework. As someone with a background in education – who also had a child in public school for five years – I can testify that some of her homework assignments added no educational value and were both annoying and time consuming.

It can be tempting to “help” your kids to speed up the process. Or perhaps your child has a borderline grade and good homework grades will bump them into the higher grade. Or maybe you are just super competitive and want your child’s projects to always be the best in the class. The temptation to actually do your child’s homework or just give them the answers can be overwhelming.

Unfortunately, there are two major moral issues with doing your child’s homework. The first is that it is lying. Cheating at its core is lying. You are trying to make a teacher believe your child completed work on their own that you did all or a large part of. That is a lie and we know how much God hates lies. The second moral issue is that you are helping undermine the teacher’s authority. The New Testament is clear about respecting authority figures when their commands are not forcing us to disobey God.

Teachers expect parents to give their children some help with their homework. They know that parents who don’t help have children who struggle more in school. So what should you do? When does helping, cross the line and become cheating?

When you give your kids the answers instead of teaching them how to find the answer. Teachers often want parents to look for mistakes on completed homework so students can learn how to do the problem correctly. Your kids aren’t learning anything when you give them the correct answer, Take a few extra minutes to walk through the problem with them, helping them find the error and correct it with only prompts from you like, “What should you do next?”
On creative projects, ask questions that encourage their creativity or give broad suggestions. Instead of saying “you should build a building using an empty paper towel roll and drawing windows on it every half inch”, try asking them what things you have in your recycling bin that they could use…. or what could they do to the item they have chosen to make it look like a real building.
It’s okay to give children with motor skill issues a little help (if that is not a learning objective for the project), but assist, don’t do it for them. Put your hand over their hand to help them move their hands in the ways needed. Don’t just grab the scissors and cut it out yourself.
Remember, the finished project should look like a child completed it. If your child normally uses one syllable words when writing at school and their paper comes back with three and four syllable words – they better be able to explain how they found those words and what they mean. Likewise, if a creative project comes back looking like it was designed by an architect and your child can’t cut a straight line during the school day, the teacher will know you provided more help than you should have done.
When in doubt, ask the teacher. Some teachers, for example, encourage students to find someone to help edit papers for mistakes. Others want the students to catch all of their errors themselves. Make sure you understand what the school and the teacher allow as appropriate outside help before helping your child.

Your kids’ teachers want you to be engaged with them and their homework, Just make sure you aren’t actually helping them cheat.

Top Tips For Helping Your Kids With Friendship Issues

Your kids are learning a lot about life in addition to all of the academic and other things they learn in a day. Perhaps one of the most important things they are learning is how to navigate relationships successfully. You would think that as important as relationships with family and friends are in life, someone would spend a lot of time actively teach children and teens how to have great ones, but no one really does.

So, young people are left to struggle with the old trial and error method. Some kids seem to instinctively know how to “make friends and influence people”, while others struggle their entire lives. Those who excel at relationships often have naturally engaging or outgoing personalities. Many also have great parents who teach them how to be a good friend as well as how to choose good friends.

But even the most savvy teen, will find times when it seems the world has gone mad. They may be hurt by a cutting remark, laughed at, teased, excluded, gossiped about or have any number of other relationship issues. If it’s the first time this negative behavior has been experienced, your children may be not only hurt, but at a loss as to what they should do next.

When they come to you for comfort and advice, it’s really important to handle it in a way that will help them as they grow older. Here are some of our top tips.

Listen empathetically without adding too much fuel to the fire. Your kids need you to listen and empathize, but you don’t have to get them more upset than they already are. There is a huge difference between saying, “That must have hurt your feelings” and “I think I would have punched her if I were in your shoes”. One is expressing empathy, while the other could help the person become angrier than he or she already is.
Don’t minimize their pain. Yes, you know that a breakup in their 20’s is much worse than the rejection of an elementary school crush, but telling your child that in the moment isn’t going to help. Neither are statements like, “What’s the big deal?”. Your child is upset. Feelings are feelings. Don’t add anger to the mix by not allowing them to feel what they are already feeling.
Listen until there is nothing left to say. It’s tempting to try and get your kids to skip ahead to the end when you feel like you’ve gotten the gist of the situation. To process what happened, however, your child may need to tell you a lot more details. Cutting them off too quickly can left them feeling unheard and just add to their problems.
Allow some time and space for calming. You may know your child needs to give the friend the benefit of the doubt or see the issue from the other perspective. In the heat of the moment, this is almost impossible to do. Give your child a little time to cool off before starting a conversation that addresses things they may need to change or do to “fix” the situation.
Whenever possible guide, don’t tell. Young people often find it easier to do something when it feels like it was their idea and not forced upon them by their parents. Ask guiding questions to help them discover the correct path for themselves. Only intervene, if they just don’t seem to be getting the issue.
Whenever possible, let them handle their issues themselves. Your kids don’t need you fussing at their friends or calling their friends’ parents to get them in trouble. This may happen in extreme cases, but should be the exception and not the rule.
Encourage godly principles like forgiveness and reconciliation. At young ages, sometimes kids need to move on from a friendship. Even then though, they should be encouraged to forgive the other person and avoid trying to get some sort of revenge.
Have regular conversations about how to choose good friends and how to be a good friend. Being a good friend is an important skill set. So is choosing friends who will be supportive and help you be your best self. Both need to be actively taught, but rarely are. Taking on the responsibility for teaching your kids will give them the instruction they need.

Being a great friend and choosing great friends takes time. Your kids may need your guidance from time to time. Make sure you are there for them when they need it.

The Resource Christian Parents Need to Have Great Conversations About Culture With Their Kids

Have you ever had one of your kids come home and say something as if it were truth, but it just didn’t sound right? Maybe you instinctively knew the statement was anti-biblical. Perhaps it just didn’t seem like it made sense in comparison to what God has to say about the topic. Or perhaps you knew the view was outright sinful.

What happens next is crucial. Parents tend to go one of two ways. They either have an immediate, strong reaction and begin preaching a sermon or they pretend the statement doesn’t bother them (while hoping their kids will somehow mysteriously realize the statement is problematic and reject it themselves). Either of these reactions can cause all sorts of problems for your kids’ faith and/or your relationship with them.

Or maybe you have tried to have a calm conversation with them about the topic, but found yourself at a loss to explain yourself and scripture in ways that they could understand. Maybe the conversation started out well enough, but then you felt like you couldn’t think of examples or explanations quickly enough. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have an expert by your side, guiding the conversation?!

I can’t provide someone to be with you in person, but I do have a suggestion that can help prepare you for many of these conversations before they ever happen. Live Your Truth and Other Lies by Alisa Childers is a must read for every Christian parent. Childers does one of the best jobs I have seen to date of breaking down many of the current ideas floating around in culture and looking at them from a biblical perspective.

Not only does she cover popular ideas like “Live your truth” and “God just wants you to be happy”, but she discusses them in a way that’s understandable without becoming condescending, “preachy” or too high brow. She does include lots of scripture, as well as quoting popular Christian books with questionable theology to help readers begin sorting out the truth from the cultural lies – even within Christianity.

Honestly, I think this would be a great book to read with many children in upper elementary and middle school, as well as high school. Get a copy for yourself and read it together. Find a time for a weekly “coffee” date to discuss how each of you feels about what she writes in each chapter. Let your kids talk first and really listen to what they are saying. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you are understanding them correctly before you give a counter view.

If you disagree with your child in these discussions, stay calm. Point out what you think were her most important points and scriptures. Add a few scriptures of your own or other examples. Don’t lose your temper, yell, call your children names or say hurtful things. For a few of you, your children may be saying things for your negative reaction – not because they even really believe what they are saying. Becoming angry only encourages them to continue saying and doing the opposite of what they think you want. A calm reaction will eliminate the fun and they will stop playing games.

On occasion, your children may want to go deeper than the book or explore a topic she doesn’t cover. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a minister, Bible teacher or other trusted Christian. Be willing to admit when you don’t know the answer and work together to find what God has to say about the topic in scripture. Never shut down the conversation because you are embarrassed. Showing a willingness to learn with your kids can be the best lesson you teach them.

Whether you use this book to help you or not, make sure you talk about the messages in culture and how God feels about them. If you don’t, chances are great your kids will believe the lies Satan tells them through the world around them.