Character Training – Parenting Like Hannah

Spiritual Disciplines for Your Kids – Confession

For the last several weeks, we have been looking at various spiritual disciplines and how you can adapt them and teach them to your children. Our working theory is that if children develop these habits while young, they will be more likely to participate in them as adults. Spiritual disciplines are not mentioned by that specific name in scripture, but most of the individual ones are discussed. They have been used by Christians for centuries to help them keep their focus on God and become who He wants them to be.

This week’s spiritual discipline is different from the rest, because in theory it doesn’t apply to young children. Confession of sins is, or at least should be, a daily practice for Christians. But the scripture teaches that children are not born sinners and don’t actually sin until they understand what that means at the age of accountability. So why have your kids practice confession?

The truth is that even though small children are too young to understand the full concept of sin and their need for repentance, they can still disobey you and God. They just don’t have the spiritual maturity yet to understand completely what that means. They do, however, need to not only learn obedience, but also what they should do when they disobey you or God.

Ultimately, confession is taking personal responsibility for our actions. It is admitting we did something wrong. It is wanting to be honest more than we want to avoid possible correction and consequences. It’s about telling the truth when it is hard to do so. Confession should lead to repentance and atonement – taking steps so it is hopefully less likely the sin will be repeated (literally turning from the sin) and trying to make right whatever was damaged because of the sin (like Zacchaeus).

You can help your children practice confession even before they totally understand what that means and how important it is when they become Christians. Start by expecting your kids to tell you the total truth one hundred percent of the time and making the correction swift and consequences firm for lying. Lying is the opposite of confession in many ways which may be one of the reasons God hates it so much. Make it clear that consequences for lying about a rebellious choice will be much worse than if the truth had been told and then be consistent about doing what you say. Make it clear there is a zero tolerance policy for lies in your home. (Of course that means you and your spouse will have to be honest, too.).

As they get older, point out in Bible stories what happened when people tried to lie to God. Have them memorize applicable verses. Have conversations about the importance of taking responsibility for our choices. Talk about how “sorry” isn’t enough, but it’s about our hearts actually feeling sorry for not only what we did, but for being rebellious. Discuss repentance and atonement in ways they can understand and encourage them to practice both when they are rebellious.

Confession, repentance and atonement are abstract concepts most children won’t fully understand until they reach the age of accountably in early adolescence (for most). Helping them practice the actual tasks in the process when they are young, however, will make it easier for them to do the practices once they become Christians and understand the fullness of the concepts.

When Helping Your Kids With School Hurts

I am not sure why, but it always seems like the Spring semester in school is the worst. School stress to your kids feels as burdensome as job stress does to adults. They may even have unpleasant physical and psychological symptoms as a result. Worse yet, if they get too stressed, it can become difficult to focus and remember the things they need to do well in their classes. As parents, we hate to see our children suffer. So what do loving parents want to do? Help them of course!

As a parent and someone with a degree in education, however, I can promise you that there are ways some parents help their kids with school work that actually hurts their children in the long run. The most obvious reason is that they aren’t learning when you are completing work for them. The other reason is easily forgotten by parents. Giving your children too much help with homework is cheating. Cheating on schoolwork is basically lying – you are both trying to make the teacher believe your child did the work you actually did. And lying is one of those sins God mentions He hates multiple times in scripture.

Beyond the actual lie of cheating, you are basically telling your kids to ignore any and all of God’s commands when they become inconvenient or they don’t like or agree with them. Putting it bluntly, you are undermining your children’s faith foundations in a critical way.

So where is the line when helping your child is acceptable and when have you crossed the line to cheating? Here are some tips.

Remember your child is supposed to do the work. Homework is supposedly assigned because the teacher believes their students need extra practice or a learning opportunity for which they don’t have time in class. Trust me. I am well aware this is not always the case and some homework is more of a time waster than anything else. Even then, your child is learning to obey authority and “work as though working for the Lord”. Let’s be honest. In every job or career there are moments when you are asked to do things that are just as exasperating. Boring homework is building that “muscle” in your kids.
Ask the teacher. If you have any doubts that you may be crossing the line, ask your child’s teachers. Different teachers have different standards for what they consider acceptable parental engagement with their child’s work. Better to clarify than risk stepping over the line.
Remember helping is not doing. Math homework is a great example of how to help without doing the work. Talk your child through the steps of the problem. “What do you do next?” “What number goes there?” If you have to show an example, make up your own problem instead of using one from the assignment. (BTW YouTube is your friend if you have forgotten how to do it yourself or they are using a method that is different than the one you were taught.)
Your child’s projects should look like a child did them. I remember our daughter had to build a city or something similar in elementary school. I helped her buy the supplies and turned her loose. When we took the project to school a few days later, I remember watching a child walk in with a project who obviously had an architect for a parent. My heart sank for a second as our daughter fretted a bit. The bottom line was that she still got an “A” and had a fun learning experience she would have missed had I done it for her.
Sometimes your kids just want company and encouragement. I’m in grad school at the moment and I totally get this. Writing a paper is not fun. Doing math is not fun. Having someone close by you can complain to and who will encourage you just makes it seem more doable and less lonely. This is particularly true if your kids are extroverts or high energy. Sitting for long periods of time alone is almost painful for both groups of kids.
Avoid using AI at all costs. There isn’t enough space here to go into the problems of using AI in school, but it can destroy your kids’ abilities to think for themselves and problem solve. Not to mention the output of AI at the moment is much more questionable than the average person realizes.
Have conversations with your child about cheating, lying, plagiarism and other related topics. The older your children get, the more carefully teachers will check for any hint of cheating. And as we have seen, careers can be ruined years after a cheating incident occurred – even if the person has been honest since then. Teach your kids how to cite sources and give credit for the things they use that were created by others. Help them establish good habits of academic honesty.

Homework is never fun for kids or parents. Doing it for them may make it seem less painful in the moment, but the long term negative consequences can be substantial. Encourage academic honesty in your home.

Spiritual Disciplines for Your Kids – Fellowship

Growing up, we lived 30-45 minutes from the church we attended. For most of my years in school, I didn’t attend school with anyone from my church. Yet some of my best friends were those who attended church with me. Oh, I had plenty of friends at school. I was popular enough to be elected officers in clubs, for my class senior year and for the school in student government. But I would go out of my way on weekends to spend time with my friends from church.

Why was this fellowship with my Christian friends so important to me as a teenager? Because they understood me on a deep spiritual level. We had similar values and made similar choices. We dealt with similar issues at school because of our moral choices. We shared beliefs in the most important thing in the world – God and everything connected to Him.

Fast forward to today and a lot of children and teens being raised in a Christian home spend their time with their secular friends. Or their parents choose a church not based on solid biblical theology, but on merely on where their children’s best friends attend. Neither option is helping your kids find the type of friends who will encourage them to obey God and challenge them to grow to their full God given potential.

Not only that, but COVID evidently taught many families that church attendance was optional. That virtual church provided all of the benefits of in person church without the hassles. Only it doesn’t. At in person services, your children will meet all sorts of people that make following God their top priority. They will learn from some, be mentored by some and be challenged by some. They will be loved and supported in many ways – but especially spiritually- by many. Those relationships that are so vital are impossible to make virtually.

What if you are attending a church in person that is biblically strong, but your kids are having trouble making friends? First, teach them that the kids at church are family, not just friends. Just like they have to spend time and be kind with cousins they may not particularly care for, they need to love, respect and be kind to other kids their age at church. They also need to learn that often secular friendships are based on really shallow things. People with spiritual friendships may not have a lot in common, but they have each other’s backs – no matter what. Those friends are so hard to find, but your church has plenty of them if your kids will give them a chance.

Finally, help your kids build relationships that encourage fellowship by being hospitable. It doesn’t have to be fancy or involve food any fancier than a popsicle. Have over kids their age from church. Have over other families. Do things with older people. Go to the park as a small group. Provide your kids with lots of opportunities to fellowship and for the vast majority, those relationships will gradually build.

I live hundreds of miles from the kids I grew up with in church. My parents moved away when I was in my twenties. But the other month we traveled to where one of my best church friends now lives with her own family. We got together for lunch and it was like no time had passed at all. Deep down we still had those same priorities in common and we knew that no matter what, we would always be there for each other. Give your kids that same gift.

Spiritual Disciplines for Your Kids – Service

We’ve been talking about the various spiritual disciplines practiced by Christians for over two thousand years (and often by Jesus himself). They are practices many Christians believe (and supported to a great extent by scripture) can help one remain spiritually healthy and continue to grow and mature in faith and practice. Because spiritual disciplines are usually discussed in adult circles, it can be important to discuss how they can be adapted for children and teens. By starting these spiritually healthy habits early, hopefully it will be easier for them to practice these disciplines consistently throughout their lives.

This week, our spiritual discipline is service. If you think of the ministry of Jesus, when he wasn’t teaching, he was healing people or serving them in some way. Perhaps the most well known story even among those who aren’t Christians is that Jesus washed the feet of his Apostles to demonstrate the type of servant hearts he wanted them – and by extension us – to have.

Service should be one of the easiest spiritual disciplines to practice – even daily – but it can easily be overlooked. Parents may assume their kids are involved in a lot of service projects at church. They may be doing a few, but I am not aware of any congregation who provides daily opportunities for children and teens to serve. Families may also serve others, but it’s so easy to get distracted by the flurry of school commitments and extra curricular activities that serving others becomes an after thought.

The attitude and practice of Jesus was that he served everyone he could as he went about his days. I imagine some days those may not have been miracles and many days they were. He didn’t command us to serve others miraculously, he wanted us to serve others just like he washed the Apostle’s feet – in humble, messy, every day ways.

Talk with your kids about all of the opportunities they have to serve others each day. Discuss how you can all become better at noticing these opportunities and then taking advantage of them by actually serving those needs. Discuss ways to point others to God as you serve them. At the end of each day, spend time together reflecting on how God was able to use you to serve others in small and big ways during your days.

Schedule in time to do bigger, planned service projects as a family. We have tons of great ideas on our website (https://teachonereachone.org/activity-ideas/). Consider asking other families or some of your kids’ friends to join you on these service adventures. After you have completed a service project, spend some time together reflecting on what happened and what you learned from the experience.

Serving others was always meant to be a huge part of living the Christian life. Make sure your kids naturally serve others as they go, every day.

Helping Your Kids Navigate Valentine’s Day

No offense to the person who decided Valentine’s Day should be a major Hallmark holiday, but talk about setting people up for disappointment! Ironically, all of the romance movie channels have made it worse. Even the great guys out there would have trouble measuring up to the heroes who instinctively meet the every need of the heroine – even before she knows she needs it. They always say and do the right things and their biggest flaw is their humble inability to realize their love is returned by the heroine!

Now as adults, experienced in dating, love and marriage, we generally see the humor in these movies. But who hasn’t on a day when their spouse wasn’t showing their particular best side occasionally sighed at the perfect words and actions of the movie hero? Even if your kids have never seen a rom com or Hallmark movie, these ideas of “perfect love” seep into the culture of even very young children. Even elementary aged children can feel pressured to find the perfect “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”.

I’ll never forget hearing a fourth grade girl tell the other girls that they couldn’t hang with her unless they could prove they had a boyfriend! Or hearing my professor tell me that in several elementary schools in her county, fifth graders defined dating as having someone tell you to do things like carry their books so they would call you their boyfriend or girlfriend and not lie and tell everyone you were gay. Your kids are probably being exposed to a jumble of messages about romance, love, dating and marriage. They have no way to sort them out without your help. Without it, they may choose to believe all sorts of unhealthy and even toxic or dangerous messages. (I hesitate to mention the girl in my sixth grade class who got pregnant so she would have someone to love her.)

You still have time before Friday to start talking about what healthy love in a romantic relationship looks like according to God. Some of God’s truths are scoffed at today, but they are commands for a reason. God knows what is best for us and wants to make sure we know how important it is to follow His wisdom. So He made them commands. But it goes beyond commands about sex and marriage. Romantic wisdom from God includes understanding agape love and what it means to help someone be the best Christian they can be (Here’s an unsolicited and unrewarded plug for Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.). Your kids need to know how to give agape love to those they date and their eventual spouse, but they also need to be careful to only date people who are the type of people they would want to marry – godly Christians who practice what they believe – including agape love.

Don’t just have these conversations now, have them all throughout the year. Have them frequently. Talk about all sorts of important topics within the realm of dating and marriage. Talk about being a healthy, happy single and refusing to settle. With your older kids and teens, this can be a great time to pull out all of your dating horror stories so they don’t feel so awkward sharing with you! Talk about purity. Perhaps most importantly, remind them that even if they feel unlovable because someone has rejected them, it isn’t true. Because God will always love them, as will you. Those whispers of being unloved and unlovable come from Satan, not God. Don’t let Satan’s whispers push them into unhealthy relationships. The loneliness they feel at times can be mitigated with prayer, reading scripture, fellowshipping with Christians and serving others.

Don’t leave your kids alone to navigate the turbulent waters of dating, love and marriage. Help them know which way to go.