Category: Discipline

Helping Your Kids Quit the Blame Game

Have you ever asked your kids who broke the lamp (or did whatever) and immediately heard choruses of, ”It’s not my fault!” and ”He/she did it!”. If so, your kids have already learned how to play the blame game. They know if they can avoid any personal responsibility for something that has upset you, they are also likely to avoid any possible consequences.

Unfortunately, the game is best played using lies and avoiding personal responsibility for one’s choices. Not the best skill sets for a child being raised in a Christian home to learn. Fortunately, there are some things you can do to help your kids learn to avoid playing the game at all.

  • Play a new game. This is more fun with older kids. As they watch shows, see news reports or just around the house, can they catch others playing the blame game? At dinner each night, see if anyone saw people playing it during their day. What happened? What were the possible negative consequences for those who played? Your kids may not be aware they were playing the game or perhaps aren’t aware how playing it can damage their relationships with others. Seeing or hearing about lots of real world examples can make them more aware.
  • Play the game in an obvious way yourself. You may need to set up a scene with your spouse if something doesn’t happen naturally. When someone asks you something like, ”Does anyone know where my socks are?”, flip into blame game mode. Be a little over the top dramatic. It’s not your fault. Your spouse was in your kid’s room. The cat walked by the laundry basket. After a couple of minutes of blaming others, ”find” the socks where you left them (like the refrigerator!). You get the idea. Be silly and have fun with it. Don’t copy something that has actually happened in your home or it will look like you are making fun of your kids. Sometimes laughing at ourselves can also be instructive. Younger kids may try to intervene and ”fix” the situation. Don’t let them get too agitated. After your little ”skit”, ask your kids to give you a better way to handle things the next time that happens. See if they can come up with other situations when people blame others instead of accepting responsibility for their actions.
  • Have a ”blame” jar. A common strategy for breaking bad group habits, which you may have to adapt slightly depending upon how much money your kids have. An alternative way to play is to place enough money for a family treat in the jar, instead of family members having to put in some of their own money when caught playing the blame game, you take money away from the jar. They can return money to the jar by taking appropriate blame for an incident. This will need to be monitored by parents to avoid cheating. If you are brave enough, allow them to try and catch you blaming others for your own mistakes.
  • Read all about it. Read your kids Bible stories and stories from history where people blamed others for their own choices. There are plenty of examples. How might things have gone differently if the person had taken responsibility for their own actions? You will probably need to point out how blaming others undermines trust and how that in turn weakens important relationships in their lives.

Have fun with it, but make it a priority in your home. Taking responsibility for one’s actions is a huge part of repentance. If your kids can’t accept responsibility, they will struggle to be a Christian.

Correcting Parenting Mistakes

One of my favorite questions from young parents is whether or not my husband and I did all of the things I advocate with our own child. While we did much of what I suggest, some of the ideas I share with you were ones I thought of after our daughter was an adult. There are things in retrospect I wish we had done even more of and things I think we could have skipped without harming our child. And there are some mistakes we made along the way. Thankfully, our daughter is far enough into adulthood that I think we are safe now in saying they weren’t fatal mistakes, but they were still not our best parenting moments.

In fact, I have yet to meet a parent who claims to have parented mistake free. That’s especially true for Christian parents who have so many additional things to teach their kids. What makes a truly effective Christian parent different from others is an unwillingness to just shrug off mistakes as if they don’t matter. The truth is that your kids either immediately know when you’ve made a parenting mistake or they will figure it out at some point. What breaks down the parent child relationship and compounds the errors are not so much the errors themselves, as the lack of addressing them.

So what should you do when you realize you have made a mistake in parenting?

  • Admit the mistake to your child. This frightens many parents, but it’s the right thing to do. Not only does it set a good example for telling the truth and accepting responsibility for one’s actions, it also shows your kids how to repent. If your children are younger, be very specific and concrete in what you say and use words they can understand.
  • Acknowledge the negative consequences your child has or will experience because of your mistake. In some cases, this is fairly obvious – for example, you said something you shouldn’t have and it hurt your child’s feelings. Other times, it’s a little more abstract – perhaps you have neglected to correct a character flaw in them consistently and you know if not corrected that flaw will create problems for your child in the future. Once again, try to explain it in age appropriate ways to your child.
  • Apologize. Sometimes the most powerful words in healing an issue in a parent child relationship are, ”I’m sorry.”
  • State what you will do in the future to avoid repeating the mistake. At times, this will also mean your child will need to make changes as well – especially if you will begin correcting a behavior you have been ignoring or will be giving your child new responsibilities.
  • Acknowledge any potential difficulties your child may experience because of the changes and apologize again for the mistake you are now having to correct. If your child had the new expectation from day one, it probably wouldn’t seem as drastic as having been allowed to behave in a certain way for a long period of time and then suddenly being expected to change. Remember, you are not apologizing for the change itself, because that is ultimately in your child’s best interest. What you are acknowledging is that the change may be difficult to make for both you and your child.
  • Make atonement when possible for your mistake. Generally, this means reducing a consequence that was too harsh. It could also be giving a grace period to become accustomed to a new rule or responsibility in which reminders will be given perhaps a little more gently than normal.

It’s important to note, that you can go through these steps even if you don’t realize the mistake you made until your child is an adult. Obviously, at that point you may not be able to change anything. You can, however, explain clearly how you believe your child’s life would be improved even now if a change of some sort is made. If the mistake is pointed out to you by an adult child, it is perhaps even more important that you acknowledge the mistake if it was indeed one. Reconciliation is great, but don’t allow your child to develop a victim mentality and refuse to move forward from whatever mistake you made. A child who can’t forgive your parenting mistakes, will stay stuck in the past and never really reach his or her godly potential.

Don’t be afraid to admit your parenting mistakes or attempt to minimize them. Take responsibility for them and correct them. It may be one of the most important things you will ever do in parenting your child.

Spotting Quiet Rebellion in Your Children

A Christian parent’s worst fear is a rebellious child. Your heart’s desire is for your kids to spend eternity in Heaven. If they have a rebellious spirit, they are much less likely to obey God. The blatantly, ”in your face” rebellious child is obvious to most parents. Those children make no attempt to hide their rebellion and may even seem proud of it.

There are some children, however, who are slowly but surely developing a rebellious heart, but don’t necessarily show obvious outward signs of it. They are more quiet about their rebellion. They may seem outwardly obedient, but their hearts are looking forward to the future breaking of those rules. The more this heart gets away with hiding this quiet rebellion, the stronger the rebellious spirit becomes. These are often the children parents believed were ”wonderful” until high school or college when they ”mysteriously went off the rails”.

If you are observant though, the signs of a heart that is possibly becoming rebellious are often revealed by the things that are said when they are caught disobeying or that they say when discussing the topic of disobedience. Said occasionally, they are probably just a convenient excuse. If these excuses become a natural part of their thought process, however, they can help rebellion grow in their hearts.

Here are some common excuses that can be given by young people who are developing a rebellious heart.

  • “It’s too hard to obey”. There are variations of this excuse, but the idea is that they can’t possibly be expected to obey a rule or command that is so demanding.
  • “I’m obedient most of the time, so disobeying just this once won’t matter.” This is a convenient out for ”good” kids. The danger of this philosophy of course is the idea that if you do enough ”good” things, any bad choices somehow don’t count. This idea is not at all biblical. As all of us who have started out eating a ”sliver” of cake that ended up being a huge chunk of cake know, starting down this road can lead to increased justification of poor choices.
  • “It’s not my fault.” Perhaps the favorite excuse of all children – rebellious or not, this excuse is an attempt to avoid personal responsibility for one’s actions. Young people need to be constantly reminded they always have a choice. It may not be between options they like, but there is always a way to obey if they choose it.
  • “I don’t know why I disobeyed.” This one is a bit scary, because it shows either a total lack of awareness of one’s own thought processes or that the young person just follows the crowd without thinking at all.
  • ”My disobedience actually helped someone.” This is usually an excuse given for telling a lie. It’s the mistaken idea that the only way out of a delicate situation is to tell a lie.
  • “I’m a Christian, so I just figured I could ask God to forgive me later.” This excuse tries to use God as some sort of magical ”get out of jail free” card. Yes, God does forgive us when we repent, but using that as an excuse to be rebellious was never the intent.
  • “I’ve disobeyed for so long, it would be embarrassing/too late to start obeying now.” This excuse is often used by a young person who has done something he or she believes is a ”big” sin, multiple times. It probably starts as remorse, but can eventually become an excuse to avoid even trying to reform.
  • “I’ll become a Christian when I am older and start obeying God then. After all, I’m not sure I’m ready to make a decision about becoming a Christian yet.” This is an excuse within an excuse. The first part may not be verbalized, and the second part may be covered by other excuses. This is often the young person who ”isn’t sure God is real” or who wants to keep throwing out questions for years on end – hoping to find a question that can’t be answered to allow for more stalling.
  • “My parents are Christians and I’m really angry with them, so I will reject God to get revenge on them.” I don’t know that any young person would actually verbalize this, but it can be the underlying attitude behind rebellion in some cases.

Quiet rebellion often takes root because it goes unrecognized and unaddressed. Watching for signs of it in your children can help your kids avoid developing a truly rebellious spirit.

Are You Raising a Difficult Child?

Every parent has difficulty with their children from time to time. We have all had those moments when we wondered (however briefly) if our children would grow up to be adults no one would want to be around. A recent study from UGA has shed light on the character traits that make someone a difficult person. It’s interesting how their findings paint a picture of someone who is not obeying God’s commands about our character.

So what are the traits they found made someone difficult and what are any corresponding commands God has given us in regards to those traits?

  • Callousness. According to the authors of the study, callousness indicated a total lack of caring and concern for what happened to others or how one’s behavior was impacting people in negative ways. The Bible is full of commands about how we are to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 7:12) and looking out not just for our interests, but the interests of others (Philippians 2:1-7).
  • Grandiosity. Grandiosity is an attitude of pompous superiority or pretentiousness. The Bible would probably call this pride. In the Philippians passage above, it also says we should in humility consider others better than ourselves. There are dozens of other verses commanding us to be humble or meek (often used as a synonym for humble).
  • Domination. Domination is not the same as being good stewards or having dominion over creation. Rather it is the tendency to control others in an oppressive manner. I think one could make a strong argument that the example Jesus set and commanded us to follow of serving others would be the opposite of someone who wanted to dominate others.
  • Suspicious. The authors of the study equated suspiciousness with the inability to trust others and the tendency to assume the worst motives are behind another’s words and actions. This one is a little more complicated. The Bible teaches us to trust God above people. Our kids need to know that when someone says something in opposition to what God has commanded or has revealed as truth, God is always to be trusted and believed (Psalm 118:8). On the other hand, the commands for us to forgive others should create in us a healthy wariness, balanced with forgiveness, that should encourage us to give people the benefit of the doubt in our personal interactions (1 Corinthians 13:7).
  • Aggressive. This aggressiveness is not the same as setting healthy boundaries or standing up for what is right in the face of evil. Rather, it is the tendency to lash out at others, cut into lines and other behaviors that could be considered bullying or selfishness. Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit. Jesus also commanded his followers to be as harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16).
  • Manipulativeness. Manipulation is the attempt to control others by a type of trickery. Often it involves choosing words that encourage the person to do what we want them to do – even though we know they don’t want to do it. Manipulation often involves telling lies. Sin entered the world because Eve believed a lie. I haven’t counted, but my guess is that the command to not lie is probably one of the most frequently repeated in the Bible.
  • Risk Takers. This is a tricky one also. What type of risks do they mean? God doesn’t want us to risk disobeying Him our entire lives in hopes that we can do whatever we want and still get to Heaven with a deathbed conversion. I also think scripture supports the idea that God doesn’t want us to take unnecessary risks with our health or the health of others. On the other hand, I think all of the early Christians were risk takers. They risked prison, beatings and even death for spreading the Gospel. To be an active, productive Christian, we will need to be willing to take some risks. Hopefully, we won’t need to go through everything the Apostle Paul and the others did, but if necessary, we need to be willing to take those risks.

Are you raising a difficult child? Teaching your child to obey God and helping them model their attitudes and behaviors to those of Christ means they will not be considered a difficult person.

15 Signs Your Child Really Needs to Talk

Some kids seem to be born to talk. Without much prompting, they tell you every detail about their day, what they are thinking and feeling and probably dozens of other details about their world as well as their hearts and minds.

Other kids seem to struggle to give you a complete sentence. Two sentences strung together begins to feel like a deep conversation. Some of the dynamic is personality, some of it is their relationship with you and there may be other factors involved as well.

There may be times in your child’s life when he or she needs to talk to a Christian adult. Your child needs that conversation to express emotions, process what is happening and have help figuring out how God wants them to handle the situation. Unfortunately, because the circumstances are so confusing, emotional or traumatic, even the most talkative child can become silent.

On the other hand, the silence may stem from being tired, having a bad (normal) day or any of a dozen other reasons your child may need a little space and time without conversation – to process, think, dream, pray, reflect on scripture or focus on school work. So how do you know when your child needs encouragement to talk to you or another trusted Christian adult because he or she needs the comfort and guidance that conversation could provide?

  • Your child loses interest in favorite activities, spending time with friends, etc. Give your child a day or two for hormone levels to shift or some other relatively benign cause for ennui to pass. If it lasts for more than a week or two, something more serious may be going on.
  • Grades begin to fall – especially in multiple subjects. Struggling in one class may stem from normal academic issues. If a child who normally gets A’s and B’s starts getting C’s and D’s in multiple subjects, something more serious is happening. Don’t wait for the official grades on report cards. As soon as test and paper grades start falling, you need to find out what is happening.
  • Radical changes in friend group not resulting from a change in school or activities – particularly if the new friend group is known to engage in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking, drugs, petty crime, etc. Kids’ friend groups adjust when they change schools, move to the next level school or begin a new activity. Troubles in friend groups are normal, but usually resolve themselves quickly. If your child seems to drop a healthy friend group for a riskier one for no obvious reason, something has happened that needs to be addressed.
  • Headaches. These can be from slumping over a desk for too many hours or holding tension in the body while studying for a difficult test. There can also be medical causes for frequent headaches. If the headaches seem to come from stress (according to your child’s doctor), conversations can help them name and manage those stressors.
  • Stomaches. A more common stress reaction in kids, particularly if they seem to come and go under similar circumstances…like always having a stomach ache right before school or a specific activity.
  • Insomnia or sleeping much more than normal. Growth spurts can trigger a day or two of extreme sleepiness as can regular hormonal swings in some young women. Prolonged insomnia or extreme sleepiness needs to be investigated for possible medical causes or to discover if it results from stress, depression or trauma.
  • Nightmares. Everyone has nightmares. Unrelenting nightmares or terrors can result from stress or trauma Conversations can help your child identify the trigger and learn how to manage their stressors better during their waking hours
  • New bedwetting issues. If a child suddenly begins wetting the bed multiple nights in a row, something is going on. In older children, a physical cause is rare and it is more likely from extreme stress or even trauma.
  • Radical changes in eating habits. This can range from having no appetite to suddenly wanting a comfort food every day or over eating. The root cause can be something physical, like a growth spurt, but don’t let it continue for more than a week or so without consulting a doctor. Eating changes can morph into eating disorders over time. Catching them early is key for easier intervention.
  • Increased crying, angry outbursts, etc. With raging hormones, this one can be tough to discern. Even if the root cause turns out to be hormones, your kids need to talk about how to exercise self control or engage in activities to help them regulate their emotions in healthy ways when they can feel their hormones fluctuating.
  • Overreacting. This too, can result from hormones, but your kids also need to learn how to pause and self regulate before responding to negative incidents.
  • Regressing to comforting behaviors of a younger child. There are times when all of us might benefit from hugging a stuffed animal. If your child suddenly goes back to using a night light, thumb sucking, etc. he or she probably has something that needs to be talked about with an adult.
  • Unusual anxiety especially with no obvious cause. An important test, try out for an activity or first date can send anxiety levels soaring temporarily. If your child suddenly seems extremely anxious for multiple days with no obvious cause, he or she needs to talk with someone.
  • Unusual clinginess – especially with no obvious cause. Parents of college kids can tell you that even the kid most excited to go to college can become a little clingy when mom and dad are leaving campus the first few times. If your child suddenly becomes unusually clingy (after the normal stage for this in early childhood) – especially in an environment where they have normally confidently left your side, you need to try and help your child figure out the source of their new anxiety.
  • Unable to concentrate at normal levels. Some kids struggle to concentrate normally. If a child who normally concentrates well, suddenly can’t seem to concentrate at all, you need to help them figure out what is making them anxious.
  • Sudden change in faith – especially a new extreme anger towards God with no obvious cause. Children who suddenly go from praying, enjoying Bible classes and loving God to becoming extremely angry with God have had something trigger that radical change. They need to talk about it and resolve the issues before it becomes a permanent stumbling block to faith.

You may have noticed, I suggested your child talk with a trusted Christian adult when possible. In an an ideal world, your child would willing confide in you. Sometimes, however, their fear of your possible negative reaction can make them afraid to tell you the entire truth. Even if their fears are unjustified, I would rather have them talk to a trusted Christian friend, Bible class teacher, minister or Christian counselor than talk to no one at all. Hopefully, that trusted Christian adult can also create a bridge to help your child include you in the conversation, too.

As hard as it may be, try to remember your child needs help. It’s better to get it from a trusted Christian adult than a peer at school or a source who will point them away from what God wants. Give your child some options of people to whom they can talk. Dragging him or her in front of a group of elders, ministers or your best friend at church with whom there is little relationship can do more harm than good. Helping your child talk to you or another trusted Christian adult can give your child the support he or she desperately needs.