Category: Discipline

Are You Raising a Difficult Child?

Every parent has difficulty with their children from time to time. We have all had those moments when we wondered (however briefly) if our children would grow up to be adults no one would want to be around. A recent study from UGA has shed light on the character traits that make someone a difficult person. It’s interesting how their findings paint a picture of someone who is not obeying God’s commands about our character.

So what are the traits they found made someone difficult and what are any corresponding commands God has given us in regards to those traits?

  • Callousness. According to the authors of the study, callousness indicated a total lack of caring and concern for what happened to others or how one’s behavior was impacting people in negative ways. The Bible is full of commands about how we are to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 7:12) and looking out not just for our interests, but the interests of others (Philippians 2:1-7).
  • Grandiosity. Grandiosity is an attitude of pompous superiority or pretentiousness. The Bible would probably call this pride. In the Philippians passage above, it also says we should in humility consider others better than ourselves. There are dozens of other verses commanding us to be humble or meek (often used as a synonym for humble).
  • Domination. Domination is not the same as being good stewards or having dominion over creation. Rather it is the tendency to control others in an oppressive manner. I think one could make a strong argument that the example Jesus set and commanded us to follow of serving others would be the opposite of someone who wanted to dominate others.
  • Suspicious. The authors of the study equated suspiciousness with the inability to trust others and the tendency to assume the worst motives are behind another’s words and actions. This one is a little more complicated. The Bible teaches us to trust God above people. Our kids need to know that when someone says something in opposition to what God has commanded or has revealed as truth, God is always to be trusted and believed (Psalm 118:8). On the other hand, the commands for us to forgive others should create in us a healthy wariness, balanced with forgiveness, that should encourage us to give people the benefit of the doubt in our personal interactions (1 Corinthians 13:7).
  • Aggressive. This aggressiveness is not the same as setting healthy boundaries or standing up for what is right in the face of evil. Rather, it is the tendency to lash out at others, cut into lines and other behaviors that could be considered bullying or selfishness. Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit. Jesus also commanded his followers to be as harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16).
  • Manipulativeness. Manipulation is the attempt to control others by a type of trickery. Often it involves choosing words that encourage the person to do what we want them to do – even though we know they don’t want to do it. Manipulation often involves telling lies. Sin entered the world because Eve believed a lie. I haven’t counted, but my guess is that the command to not lie is probably one of the most frequently repeated in the Bible.
  • Risk Takers. This is a tricky one also. What type of risks do they mean? God doesn’t want us to risk disobeying Him our entire lives in hopes that we can do whatever we want and still get to Heaven with a deathbed conversion. I also think scripture supports the idea that God doesn’t want us to take unnecessary risks with our health or the health of others. On the other hand, I think all of the early Christians were risk takers. They risked prison, beatings and even death for spreading the Gospel. To be an active, productive Christian, we will need to be willing to take some risks. Hopefully, we won’t need to go through everything the Apostle Paul and the others did, but if necessary, we need to be willing to take those risks.

Are you raising a difficult child? Teaching your child to obey God and helping them model their attitudes and behaviors to those of Christ means they will not be considered a difficult person.

15 Signs Your Child Really Needs to Talk

Some kids seem to be born to talk. Without much prompting, they tell you every detail about their day, what they are thinking and feeling and probably dozens of other details about their world as well as their hearts and minds.

Other kids seem to struggle to give you a complete sentence. Two sentences strung together begins to feel like a deep conversation. Some of the dynamic is personality, some of it is their relationship with you and there may be other factors involved as well.

There may be times in your child’s life when he or she needs to talk to a Christian adult. Your child needs that conversation to express emotions, process what is happening and have help figuring out how God wants them to handle the situation. Unfortunately, because the circumstances are so confusing, emotional or traumatic, even the most talkative child can become silent.

On the other hand, the silence may stem from being tired, having a bad (normal) day or any of a dozen other reasons your child may need a little space and time without conversation – to process, think, dream, pray, reflect on scripture or focus on school work. So how do you know when your child needs encouragement to talk to you or another trusted Christian adult because he or she needs the comfort and guidance that conversation could provide?

  • Your child loses interest in favorite activities, spending time with friends, etc. Give your child a day or two for hormone levels to shift or some other relatively benign cause for ennui to pass. If it lasts for more than a week or two, something more serious may be going on.
  • Grades begin to fall – especially in multiple subjects. Struggling in one class may stem from normal academic issues. If a child who normally gets A’s and B’s starts getting C’s and D’s in multiple subjects, something more serious is happening. Don’t wait for the official grades on report cards. As soon as test and paper grades start falling, you need to find out what is happening.
  • Radical changes in friend group not resulting from a change in school or activities – particularly if the new friend group is known to engage in risky behaviors like drinking, smoking, drugs, petty crime, etc. Kids’ friend groups adjust when they change schools, move to the next level school or begin a new activity. Troubles in friend groups are normal, but usually resolve themselves quickly. If your child seems to drop a healthy friend group for a riskier one for no obvious reason, something has happened that needs to be addressed.
  • Headaches. These can be from slumping over a desk for too many hours or holding tension in the body while studying for a difficult test. There can also be medical causes for frequent headaches. If the headaches seem to come from stress (according to your child’s doctor), conversations can help them name and manage those stressors.
  • Stomaches. A more common stress reaction in kids, particularly if they seem to come and go under similar circumstances…like always having a stomach ache right before school or a specific activity.
  • Insomnia or sleeping much more than normal. Growth spurts can trigger a day or two of extreme sleepiness as can regular hormonal swings in some young women. Prolonged insomnia or extreme sleepiness needs to be investigated for possible medical causes or to discover if it results from stress, depression or trauma.
  • Nightmares. Everyone has nightmares. Unrelenting nightmares or terrors can result from stress or trauma Conversations can help your child identify the trigger and learn how to manage their stressors better during their waking hours
  • New bedwetting issues. If a child suddenly begins wetting the bed multiple nights in a row, something is going on. In older children, a physical cause is rare and it is more likely from extreme stress or even trauma.
  • Radical changes in eating habits. This can range from having no appetite to suddenly wanting a comfort food every day or over eating. The root cause can be something physical, like a growth spurt, but don’t let it continue for more than a week or so without consulting a doctor. Eating changes can morph into eating disorders over time. Catching them early is key for easier intervention.
  • Increased crying, angry outbursts, etc. With raging hormones, this one can be tough to discern. Even if the root cause turns out to be hormones, your kids need to talk about how to exercise self control or engage in activities to help them regulate their emotions in healthy ways when they can feel their hormones fluctuating.
  • Overreacting. This too, can result from hormones, but your kids also need to learn how to pause and self regulate before responding to negative incidents.
  • Regressing to comforting behaviors of a younger child. There are times when all of us might benefit from hugging a stuffed animal. If your child suddenly goes back to using a night light, thumb sucking, etc. he or she probably has something that needs to be talked about with an adult.
  • Unusual anxiety especially with no obvious cause. An important test, try out for an activity or first date can send anxiety levels soaring temporarily. If your child suddenly seems extremely anxious for multiple days with no obvious cause, he or she needs to talk with someone.
  • Unusual clinginess – especially with no obvious cause. Parents of college kids can tell you that even the kid most excited to go to college can become a little clingy when mom and dad are leaving campus the first few times. If your child suddenly becomes unusually clingy (after the normal stage for this in early childhood) – especially in an environment where they have normally confidently left your side, you need to try and help your child figure out the source of their new anxiety.
  • Unable to concentrate at normal levels. Some kids struggle to concentrate normally. If a child who normally concentrates well, suddenly can’t seem to concentrate at all, you need to help them figure out what is making them anxious.
  • Sudden change in faith – especially a new extreme anger towards God with no obvious cause. Children who suddenly go from praying, enjoying Bible classes and loving God to becoming extremely angry with God have had something trigger that radical change. They need to talk about it and resolve the issues before it becomes a permanent stumbling block to faith.

You may have noticed, I suggested your child talk with a trusted Christian adult when possible. In an an ideal world, your child would willing confide in you. Sometimes, however, their fear of your possible negative reaction can make them afraid to tell you the entire truth. Even if their fears are unjustified, I would rather have them talk to a trusted Christian friend, Bible class teacher, minister or Christian counselor than talk to no one at all. Hopefully, that trusted Christian adult can also create a bridge to help your child include you in the conversation, too.

As hard as it may be, try to remember your child needs help. It’s better to get it from a trusted Christian adult than a peer at school or a source who will point them away from what God wants. Give your child some options of people to whom they can talk. Dragging him or her in front of a group of elders, ministers or your best friend at church with whom there is little relationship can do more harm than good. Helping your child talk to you or another trusted Christian adult can give your child the support he or she desperately needs.

Managing Your Child’s Inner Dialogue

There are several new books out about the things we “say” to ourselves and the impact those thoughts can have on our lives. Children are not always fully aware of these thoughts. Metacognition, or the recognition of these thoughts, is critical to a child being raised in a Christian home. Why? Because these thoughts have a huge impact on the choices your kids will make. Being aware of their thought processes will give them more awareness of their ability to control these thoughts and make better choices.

So where do all of these thoughts originate? Many of them actually begin with you. That is why it’s so important to refrain from saying things like, “You are so stupid!” or “You always make the worst possible decisions!” when you are frustrated with your kids. Words have an impact on thoughts. If you use inappropriate language when frustrated with your kids – especially repeatedly – their thoughts will continue to define themselves using your words. Which is sad, because often parents don’t really mean those hurtful words – they were spoken in the anger of the moment.

You can also put positive thoughts in your kids’ brains. Be realistic though. Studies are showing that unrealistically high self esteem also produces negative consequences. Think carefully about the positive messages you want your kids to hear about themselves in their own heads. Be intentional in using them regularly to make the “tape” especially strong. Don’t forget things like, “I will always love you!”, because those reassurances will be there when they need them, too.

Make sure to put some strong scripture “tapes” in their brains. Have a few verses you regularly quote or summarize. Encourage them to memorize scripture and use it regularly so it will be part of their long term memory “tape” collection when they need it. Help them have a balance of scriptures that encourage them to make good choices and verses that remind them of God’s love, power and presence.

While you are working to put helpful “tapes” in the brains of your kids, it is crucial to monitor another major source of negative thoughts in our brains – the words of siblings. Do not ignore it when siblings say ugly things to one another. Don’t excuse it as normal sibling teasing. Teasing or not, when a thin girl is told constantly by a sibling that she is fat, she begins to believe it. Insist that siblings use kind words when speaking to each other. Don’t let their youthful meanness put negative thought patterns in each other’s brains for life.

Want to know what tapes your kids have playing in their heads already? Ask them? If they don’t know, tell them to name a huge goal they have for their future and then pay close attention to what their brain “says” in response to it. If they are already having negative thoughts, teach them how to change them by substituting a better thought every time they realize they are beginning the harmful thought. It takes practice, but it can help them make better choices if they learn to make their inner dialogue helpful and holy.

What Is Your Child’s Godly Potential?

Christian parenting has one main goal – your descendants spend eternity in Heaven and help lots of others get there, too. Below that are two important goals that will help your kids reach the over encompassing one. The first is helping your kids build a strong, unshakeable faith foundation. The second is to help them reach their godly potential.

So what exactly is godly potential? It’s not specifically mentioned in the Bible as such, but there are quite a few scriptures that allude to it. Among the most familiar are perhaps Luke 12:48 (“To whom much is given…”) Matthew 25:14-30 (Parable of the Talents) and 1 Corinthians 12 (Functions of members of the Church), but there are many others.

In short, God gives each of us – each of your kids – a slightly or vastly different potential in several areas. Our focus is not to be on who may have the “better” potential, for everyone has the potential to serve God. Rather it should be on developing and using our – or in this case, your kids’ – full potential to serve God.

So what are some of the components of your kids’ godly potential?

  • Gifts and talents. Spiritual gifts are often difficult to understand and apply to kids and teens. Instead, focus on the more concrete talents with which God has blessed them. As your kids develop and use these gifts to serve God, the spiritual gifts will most likely become more evident. Don’t just focus on obvious talents like artistic ability or public speaking. Your kids’ may have gifts like organizational skills, the ability to easily engage people in conversation or other talents we may not automatically connect to serving God, but which God can use.
  • Opportunities. God will give each of your kids different opportunities to serve Him. Some of those opportunities may be exciting, while others will seem more mundane. A few of the opportunities will involve all of your kids, but most will be specifically designed for each child and may vary greatly. All, however, are good works that God planned specifically for each of your kids to do in service to Him. And some of those opportunities will begin appearing when your kids are very young. Teaching them to recognize and take advantage of the opportunities God gives them to serve Him will give their lives meaning and purpose.
  • Knowledge, wisdom and discernment. In order to reach their godly potential, your kids will need to learn and understand what is in the Bible. They will also need to discern how to apply God’s wisdom to their lives. If your kids are in school, you are probably already aware that different kids have different capacities for learning, comprehension and application. God understands that, but He also expects each of your kids to do their very best to learn, understand and use the things He wants them to know.
  • Personality, character traits and resisting temptation. Each of your kids has a slightly or incredibly different personality. That personality can impact how much they struggle consistently having the character traits God wants them to have. Their personality can also impact which things tempt them and how difficult it is to resist certain temptations. This does not, however, mean any child is incapable of having the character traits God wants them to have or will be unable to resist temptation. It just means certain aspects may be more difficult for some of your kids than for others. Those who struggle need to be encouraged to continue working towards becoming who God wants them to be.

When you look at this list, what is the potential you see in each of your kids? Be careful to avoid underestimating their potential. Remember, they are still growing and changing. God may have many plans for them, but helping them build that strong faith foundation and developing to their full godly potential will help them be ready for whatever God has in store.

Teaching Kids to Take Responsibility for Emotions

Has one of your children ever said something like, “He made me mad!” We often ignore those types of statements in our attempts to get to an accurate description of the events that are causing our current parenting issue. In so doing though, we may be encouraging our kids to ignore the responsibility to manage their emotions.

Personal responsibility isn’t very popular in the secular world. Excuses, blame and other strategies are often used to allow people to escape responsibility for their actions. Christianity, on the other hand, is all about taking personal responsibility for your actions, attitudes and thoughts and repenting of them when they are ungodly or sinful.

Emotions, or at least the intensity and the resulting actions taken because of the emotion, can be controlled. Your kids choose to allow something to not only bother them, but make them angry or even enraged. That is a choice. They can just as easily decide to let the incident go with immediate forgiveness, which they have probably done under similar circumstances at other times.

As Christian parents, we need to constantly reinforce that while the initial emotional reaction may feel as if it cannot be controlled by us, the intensity and our reaction to those feelings absolutely can and must be controlled. Learning how to recognize and de-escalate a personal emotional state is an important part of self control. Taking responsibility for creating a more positive emotional reaction and/or forgiveness is a choice. Choosing positive, godly reactions to another’s words or behaviors that may have initially caused us to begin feeling a certain negative emotion is a choice that can be made.

It won’t be easy. You are probably still working on it in your own life. Acknowledge how difficult it can be, but also reinforce that because something is difficult, it doesn’t mean God doesn’t expect us to continue working on it. Share strategies that help you and encourage older kids to share strategies they find that help them (which may also help you). If you can get your kids to accept personal responsibility for their emotions, you will be helping them have greater self control and make better choices in negative emotional states. It’s definitely worth your time and effort.

Note: In some cases, children with certain special needs or mental health issues will need the additional help of a medical professional. This post is not intended to minimize those situations, but rather encourage parents to work with their children on managing their emotional states and actions within those states.