Category: Discipline

Surprising Personality Traits That Can Make Being a Christian Harder

Christian parenting is never easy, but some children are born with personality traits that just make it a bit easier for them to obey God. How much of the original trait is nature versus nurture will probably be debated for many more years to come, but you have to parent the child you have in front of you. So a child (often the oldest) who is more compliant and willing to obey rules, for example, is going to find it much easier to obey God’s commands than a child who is born with a rebellious streak.

Mind you anyone, with any personality traits, can become a strong Christian. Look at Peter and Paul. Both would probably have been considered to have difficult personalities at times, yet they are two of the most well known and perhaps productive Apostles. If your children have traits that may make it difficult for him or her to live a Christian life, with lots of teaching, coaching, correction and redirecting, they can not only overcome the tendency making it difficult for them, but also turn it into a strength.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever seen a stubborn child? You know the one who just won’t budge about anything, but digs his or her heals in even harder? With a lot of work from engaged Christian parents, that stubbornness can become perseverance – a critical Christian character trait!

So what are some of the personality traits you may have to help one or more of your kids to overcome in order for it to be easier for them to obey God? Here’s a partial list to get you started.

  1. Risk takers. These kids live for risky endeavors. They’re the ones that often believe they will never experience negative consequences for their risky behaviors. If God says getting drunk is a sin and you give them fifty practical reasons why it isn’t good for them, but someone dares them to get drunk, well…… If you work with this child long enough though, that risk taking can be challenged into a willingness and desire to go into the tougher mission fields or ministry areas often neglected by Christians who prefer a little more safety and security.
  2. Pleasure seeking. This one can be tricky to spot because who doesn’t like a great meal or a manicure or a new outfit. The problem is when the pleasure seeking becomes a top priority and the attitudes become more like selfishness and entitlement. The flip side of this one is tough, but perhaps that seeking of pleasure can be turned into a passion for helping Christians live out Philippians 4:8.
  3. Materialistic. These kids are all about money and stuff. Flipped and it can become a passion for generosity – earning money to help other people get the stuff they need but don’t have access to.
  4. Impatient/Angry. These have all sorts of negative consequences. The antidote is forgiveness, but it can take a lot of work as a parent to teach angry children to forgive. Flipping it is threading a very fine needle because people often take this out of biblical context, but working to right injustices is a way to channel passion into something other than impatience and anger.
  5. Poor impulse control. This one is so important that even secular experts encourage parents to spend a lot of time working with their children on impulse control. The flip side? These kids are quick, they just need to learn how to make godly choices quickly before saying or doing anything…that’s the control part. If they can master that, they can become those Christians that quickly jump in during a crisis and start making things better for those involved.
  6. Talkative. The Bible tells us a lot of sins come out of our mouths. This is one of those issues that can have a huge positive impact when flipped. These kids are potential teachers, ministers and other people who speak publicly about God. They are not as afraid to share their faith because they are also often extroverts. They may also write great Christian books because they often learn how to speak and write well.
  7. People pleasing/popularity seeking. Some kids have a strong need to be popular, to have tons of “friends” or to make others happy even if what the others want isn’t godly or wise. This has some roots in self esteem, but can also be flipped so the child has a wonderful servant heart and wants to share the Gospel message with others because it is in their best interest.
  8. Critical. Nobody may like a critical person, but moderated with a loving godly heart and these are the people that notice issues before they cause too many problems. They can notice the leak before it ruins the proverbial building. They just need to learn how to phrase their critiques so they will be heard and heeded as useful.

If you see some characteristics of your children on this list, don’t panic. They can become like Peter and Paul, but you and they and any other Christians you can enlist may have to put in the time and effort to turn those traits that can pull them away from God into ones that help the Kingdom.

Tips for Raising Kids Who Confess

Did you ever think about how important confession is in Christianity? We are to confess our sins to God (1 John 1:19) and to one another (James 5:16). It’s impossible to repent of your sins without confessing them. It’s a central tenet of Christianity, but in many churches confession is rarely even mentioned.

While young children don’t sin, they do disobey you. What happens next? Often children begin avoiding confession when they realize admitting what they have done leads to punishment. Since the Bible also teaches parents should discipline their children, what should parents do to teach their kids to confess when they have done something wrong – whether it was a mistake or rebellion?

There are probably a lot of things you could do, but here are a few of our favorites.

  1. Don’t over react when your child confesses something. Take a breath before beginning correction and discipline if needed. You can be firm without yelling and having a tantrum.
  2. Don’t punish honest mistakes when confessed. One of the most common parenting mistakes is punishing children for honest mistakes. It’s okay to ask them to help clean up the mess they made if appropriate. Most of the time, you could have made the same mistake, so give them the understanding and grace you would want under the same circumstances.
  3. Reinforce the importance of confession. Directly, intentionally teach them that God expects them to confess to Him when they sin. Encourage them to memorize a key verse or two on the topic.
  4. Set a good example. If you made a mistake and it’s age appropriate to share it with your kids, then tell them about it. If it impacted them, apologize. If you sinned, tell them how you prayed for God to forgive you.
  5. Praise them for their confession, while correcting and if necessary, disciplining them for their rebellion. It’s okay to let your kids know you are proud of them for their honest confession – even though you are less than thrilled with the choices that created a need for their confession.
  6. Tell them Bible stories about people who confessed and how God/Jesus handled it. They need to hear that Jesus forgave Peter and let him know he still loved him after Peter betrayed him. There are plenty of stories in the Bible when God forgave someone after they confessed their sins and repented.

It’s important you raise children who are willing to confess their sins. Otherwise, they will struggle to repent when they sin. Take some steps now to make it a bit easier for them.

6 Ways Walks Can Make Christian Parenting Easier

Have you ever thought about how many times the Bible mentions that someone was walking? Granted, there weren’t a lot of other options unless you owned a donkey or a camel, but was it really necessary to tell us certain people were walking? Maybe not in some cases, but Jesus had a lot of important conversations as he was walking with people. He knew that there is something about walking that seems to lower defenses and encourages more open conversation.

There is quite a bit of research on the benefits of walking. These benefits can make parenting easier and Christian parents can get a few extra benefits from those walks. Many of these benefits differ slightly when you are walking alone versus walking with your spouse or children or as a family.

  • Manages energy levels. Walking is interesting in that it can give those whose energy is lagging more energy, but also helps burn off excess energy for those that have too much. Regular walks will give any of your kids who may need it more energy. If your kids are over energized after a day at school sitting at desks, a brisk walk can help them burn off the excess energy that might otherwise get them in trouble. When energy levels are managed well, misbehavior from too much energy can decrease and you will have more energy to teach, guide and correct when necessary. Even those kids who feel too tired to do homework may find a brisk walk gives them the second wind they need.
  • Tempers emotions. A recent study found that many people suffering from depression found a marked improvement in mood when they took daily long walks. Negative emotions can work themselves out from the physical activity. These emotions may not totally disappear, but they will most likely lessen, making it easier to talk with your child about them.
  • Praying/clear thinking. Struggling with what to do about a parenting issue? I do some of my best creative thinking on long walks. The trick is to leave the music at home and focus on praying about the issue that is bothering you. This also works for your kids when they are wrestling with an issue.
  • Talking to each other. Long walks often work like magic to get even non-communicative children talking to their parents. Leave the phones and music at home. Walk in silence for a bit if necessary. Ask a simple open ended question. Leave lots of room for your kids to talk. You may just be surprised how much they will tell you when you aren’t distracted.
  • Pointing out God. The Bible tells us Creation points us to God. Taking walks with your kids, spouse or even by yourself can remind you God is at work in the world today. When walking with your kids, point out things that make you think about God. Closely examine lease, rocks, insects and other things God made to get a close up look at the intricacy of God’s Creation (take along a magnifying class and binoculars to see things better).

Long walks won’t make every aspect of Christian parenting easier, but they can definitely help. Start making room on your daily calendar for a walk.

Is Your Parenting Style Undermining Your Children’s Faith?

Have you ever met someone who had been raised by an abusive father or had an absentee father and struggled to understand God, the father accurately? Or maybe you have experienced this struggle yourself. The Bible tells us God is our father and if we have not had a father who accurately reflects God’s image, then we may struggle to truly understand the character of God.

Your parenting style in general can also become a stumbling block to the faith of your children. You don’t have to be an abusive or absentee father to negatively impact your children’s faith, and you don’t have to be a perfect parent to strengthen it. You just need to monitor your style of parenting a bit more carefully.

There are three basic parenting styles – authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. They are on a continuum, but most parents fall primarily into one of the three styles. These styles, in turn, tend to model for our children how we believe God “parents” us. When our style doesn’t accurately reflect God’s parenting style, our children grow up with serious misunderstandings about God, scripture, Christianity, obedience and other areas impacting their faith. So what does that look like in “real life”?

The authoritarian parent is the classic “children should be seen and not heard” parent. They are strict, with lots of rules and consequences that can be harsh. There may or may not be other toxic parenting behaviors present. Authoritarian parents are not emotionally close to their children and would not be considered particularly loving or nurturing in the ways they interact with them. When their children want to talk with them, they are often unavailable physically and/or emotionally. Children raised in these home environments often view God as overly strict, mean, judgmental and unloving. They may reject God because they cannot bare more strict rules and harsh consequences from a God who seems to be far away and uncaring. If they attend church as adults, it may be primarily from a sense of fear and/or duty only.

At the other end of the parenting spectrum is the permissive parent. These parents have few if any rules. If a child misbehaves or gets in trouble at school for breaking rules, not only are no consequences given (consequences aren’t given for disobeying parents, because there are few rules to disobey), but these parents may even rail against the teacher for having rules, enforcing them and giving consequences when those rules are broken. Children raised in these homes often reject God because He has rules, expects our obedience and hands out consequences for rebellion. They, too, may describe God as harsh. If they attend church as adults, they tend to only see God as a loving giver of blessings and reject any or all of God’s commands – even when they clearly appear in scripture. They may also reject the idea that there is a hell or that anyone deserves to go there for rebelling against God.

Authoritative parents are what one might call moderate parents. They are often strict, but their rules are in their children’s best interest. These parents are willing to discuss rules and boundaries and may adapt some of them as children grow older. Their rules are consistently enforced and just consequences given for rebellion. Authoritative parents are physically and verbally affectionate and nurturing. They listen to their children with respect, but expect respect in return. They apologize when they make a mistake and they forgive their children when they repent. They are the most reflective of how the Bible portrays the character of God and how He treats us. Children in these homes are most likely to not only remain faithful, but also obey God’s commands (as much as possible) out of respect and love. They are most likely to be productive Christians – serving others and sharing their faith. They tend to have an image of God that most accurately reflects scripture, accept God’s commands as Truth and understand Heaven and Hell are real – as are the eternal consequences for a rejection of God and His commands. Children raised in these homes are also more likely to see the wisdom in God’s commands and view them as a way God protects them from the natural negative consequences of disobeying them.

It’s important to be honest about your parenting style. Ask close friends and relatives which parenting style best describes you. Think about your parents’ parenting style – yours is probably a close replica or the exact opposite. If your children are older, ask them. Or think about how you view God and how your children see Him and which parenting style that view matches..

If your style is not authoritative, make necessary changes. Apologize to your children, as changing your style will impact them. Make sure the ways in which you describe God and discuss His commands is an accurate reflection of scripture and not a response to how you were parented. Being an authoritative parent is best for your children in general, but it can also make them more likely to be faithful Christians as adults.

Why “No” Is Crucial in Christian Parenting

There are trends in parenting, just like there are in clothing and food. One parenting fashion that tends to cycle through periodically is the idea that saying the word “No” to a child can damage the child’s delicate psyche. While harshness in parenting is not the best idea – especially for Christian parents – the word “No” is actual a vital tool in parenting and helps – rather than harms – your child.

A quick Google search for academic studies on boundaries for children reveals no studies suggesting children are somehow healthier when allowed to have free reign, while there are many studies reinforcing the idea of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries for children. While a more extensive search may uncover a random anti-boundary study, the lack of a body of research backing the anti-boundary parenting theory means that it is based on opinions rather than actual evidence of its success – especially over long periods of time.

Which brings us back to the word “No”. The easiest way to reinforce a preset boundary with any – but especially very young children – is the word “No”. It is simple, easy for even a very young child to understand and can be said firmly, with love and still reinforce boundaries that have been set for a child. The so called gentle parenting technique of having a discussion about the issues involved in biting (for example) another 18 month old child has little impact on a child who either doesn’t understand many of the words the parent is using or whose attention span limits means the child stopped listening after the first sentence. A simple “No, we do not hit people.” is easy to understand and remember.

Rather than damaging a child’s delicate psyche, boundaries that are consistently and clearly enforced with the word “No” (and consequences if needed) instead makes children feel safe. Acceptable and unacceptable behavior is easy to understand and remember. They understand the parent is in control and can be trusted to protect them. When children feel out of control because of strong emotions, boundaries help them learn how to practice self control.

Refusing to tell a child “No” encourages the child to believe that he or she is truly the center of the universe. A sense of entitlement and selfishness begins to take root. The needs of others are ignored in the effort of the child to obtain what is wanted. Perseverance and patience are not developed. Ironically, the child can become dependent upon others bowing to his or her will for happiness and contentment. Language is often slower to develop as parents rush to appease the child at a mere whimper without expecting the child to ask politely for what is desired.

Spiritually, refusing to tell a child “No” is a disaster. While explaining why certain rules exist and are enforced can be helpful to an older child, the reality is that when God says “No” (i.e. something is a sin), He doesn’t always explain why. This is when quite a few Christians begin to struggle – particularly if they are used to having their own way in life. While grace is available to the Christian, God still expects obedience to His commands. God uses the word “No” (or not) quite often in scripture. A child raised to believe that “No” is the equivalent of a dirty word in his or her home, will struggle and quite probably fail to be obedient to God – and may not even try.

The truth is that your children will hear the word “No” quite often in life – from teachers, coaches, employers, friends, spouses and others. The childhood “No” prepares them to navigate these other circumstances well. It also teaches them how to set and reinforce their own healthy boundaries for others.

Still not convinced? When I was a child, there was a child in our church who was never told “No”. As we became annoyed with her increasingly selfish antics, my parents would tell us that it would not end well for a child who was shielded from “No”. One day she ran out into the street, ignoring her mother’s sudden, frantic “No” as a car raced towards the child. The child was hit and killed. Years later, a similar situation happened to us with our child (although she was actually crossing the street properly at the time). Except our child had been told “No” and been expected to obey – with or without an accompanying explanation. She immediately stopped and her life was spared.

You never know when your child’s life may depend upon immediate obedience to the command of someone. You don’t need to be a drill Sargent, but using the word “No”, may save your child’s life and will definitely improve the likelihood that she or he will grow up to become an active, productive, faithful Christian.