Are You a “Get” or a “Give” Family?

In her book Generations, author Jean Twenge looked at an analysis of how many times the words “get” and “give” appeared in American books published each year. Before WWII “give” was more common than “get”. Over time, the top word varied from year to year, but the margin was always fairly close. Now? In 2010, the word “get” was twice as likely to appear in a book as the word “give”.

And that’s not the only sign of a growing selfishness in the world around us. Ask any non-profit or ministry and they will tell you that the vast majority of their donors are over the age of fifty. Like any problem, there are probably dozens of factors contributing to this growing selfish behavior. You may not be able to influence the world’s generosity, but you can impact that of your children.

God calls on His people over and over to be generous – not just in the amount they give, but in the percentage (the widow’s mite) of their income and most importantly having a generous, willing heart. That generous heart is best developed in childhood. One of the reasons we were pro allowance is that it provided a way for our daughter to give part of her “income” back to God.

We modeled giving and as a family we gave of our time and possessions as well as our money. We discussed why we couldn’t do some of the things other families were doing because of the needs someone else had that were more important. We didn’t force her to give up presents on her birthday in favor of charitable donations or dictate how much she gave. We did, however, have lots and lots of discussions about generous, sacrificial giving. We Meereen as intentional as possible about being a “give”family rather than a “get” family.

Not sure if you are a “get” or a “give” family? Ask yourself these questions.

  1. Are there more conversations about buying things than giving things in your home?
  2. What percentage of your income is given to church, ministries and charity? (There’s no rule, but “give”families usually donate much more than ten percent of their income.)
  3. Are your children encouraged to give weekly to God? Even though many congregations have gone to online giving, most have a box somewhere where your children can place their cash donations. Make it a weekly habit if you really want to raise a giver.
  4. Do you and your kids always have to have the latest and greatest or do you get as much as possible out of the things you own? Once again, everyone is different, but many givers try to keep a new car at least ten years and don’t continually replace other items meant for long term use.
  5. Do you toss (or sell) outgrown clothes or items you don’t use any more or do you give them to someone who needs them? You may be able to give because you sell used items and that’s great! If you are selling or tossing without any thought to others, though, that can indicate an issue.
  6. If someone had a desperate need for something you own, how hard would it be for you or your children to part with that item? Sometimes, it’s just not practical. You can’t give away the car your family needs to get to work. A gut check though is your initial reaction to a need someone has. Do you immediately start thinking about how you can protect your assets as much as possible and still be seen as helping or do you start trying to help even though it may be inconvenient to do so?

This is not a one time issue. “Give” families can become “get” families and visa versa. Have regular discussions about giving and generosity. Ask your kids which type of family you are and why. Raise givers and not getters.

5 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Before Intervening In Your Child’s Life

One of the hidden secrets to successful Christian parenting is understanding that you may not always be there to micromanage your child’s life. It is important to raise children who can think through situations and make the best possible decisions in the moment based on what God would want them to do.

But we live in a microwave world and even Christian parents can fall into the trap of immediately intervening whenever their child has an issue, because… let’s be honest… it’s faster and easier for us to do it properly for them. Unfortunately, that creates an attitude of helplessness that is not in their long term best interest.

The next time your child has an issue or a problem, ask yourself these five questions before jumping in to intervene on your child’s behalf.

  1. Is this something my child has already tried to handle independently? Most situations that happen in childhood can be easily handled by the child if he or she takes a moment to think about the best way to deal with the situation and takes those steps. This may take a bit of trial and error, but a good rule of thumb is to ask the child what has been attempted to rectify the situation before coming to you. (Note: This question can also cut down on tattling and whining if used consistently.)
  2. Is this a situation you can teach or coach your children to handle for themselves? Interpersonal conflicts are going to occur throughout their lives. It’s better to take some time teaching them how to handle these common situations and coaching them through the process than swooping into fix it. It takes a little more time on the front end, but can save you tons of time and stress later.
  3. Is this a situation where you need to teach your child how to pray and wait on God? These are important Christian life skills. Even you can’t fix situations that require praying and waiting on God. If you try, you are more likely to make the situation worse than you are to fix it. (Note: Every decision should be covered in prayer. In this particular situation, it is obvious to you as an experienced adult that the only option is to wait for the situation to play itself out and for God to act within those things that are obviously out of your control.)
  4. Will not intervening teach your child an important life lesson? Has your child procrastinated to the last second on a school project and then expects you to swoop in and help finish it? Your child will learn more from the bad grade for a late or poorly completed project. (Just remember that this lesson is best taught early when one bad grade has little impact on your child’s academic future.) If the life lesson will not be dangerous or cause permanent damage to your child in some way, it may be better for the lesson to be learned by experience.
  5. Could your intervention actually make things worse? I would imagine every parent has erred here at some point. We want to support our children, but sometimes our best efforts to help them backfire. Sometimes taking a breath to consider other options will help you make the best choice when you believe intervening is your only option. Remember that when you do decide you need to intervene, your children are watching you to see how you treat other people as you attempt to correct a situation. If you throw a tantrum, that’s how they will learn to handle conflict themselves.

Being supportive of your children when they are struggling is wonderful Christian parenting. Just make sure your support doesn’t do more harm than good.

Everything You Need to Know About Chores for Toddlers and Preschoolers

One of the biggest complaints I hear from employers is that many of their employees lack a healthy work ethic. While we tend to associate the problem with Gen Z, it’s actually pervasive in every age group. The Bible tells us that God expects Christians to work “with all your heart, as (if) working for the Lord, not for human masters”(Colossians 3:23 ESV) – one of several passages in scripture about God’s expectations of His people regarding work.

No matter what careers or jobs your children may have, their bosses and managers will expect them to work hard – especially if they want to get raises and promotions. Even if they don’t hold a job that pays, your kids will need to work hard at school, in their extra curricular activities and even when serving others and sharing their faith. Idleness and laziness aren’t good for your children spiritually, emotionally or even physically.

Establishing a strong work ethic in your children – like many things in parenting – is easiest if you start them as early as possible. Think of it as early intervention for laziness! One of the easiest ways to work with toddlers and preschoolers on a good work ethic is by giving them chores to do around the house. Not only will chores give you an opportunity to correct a poor work ethic, but they will also provide opportunities for teaching responsibility and numerous life skills.

Historically, specific chores were given to specific children for a period of time. This made it easier for parents to track – especially if they had several children. One of the reasons I believe chores have become unpopular is that our children’s schedules are not as predictable as they may have been years ago when children had few activities outside of their home. If something throws off your child’s schedule, assigned chores may not be completed in a timely fashion – if at all.

One solution is to give your children chores on an as assigned basis. If you see something that needs to be done and your child is capable of doing it, then ask them to do it within a certain specific time frame. It gives you more flexibility and extra help when it is needed. The downside is that you have to be intentional about giving each child little jobs to do each day. If you have trouble tracking that, then the older way of giving out chores will probably work best in your family.

When does all of this start? As soon as your children have a few gross motor skills – like the ability to pick up and hand you items – they are ready for a few simple chores. For most children this is about the same time they are learning to walk, often known as the toddler years.

So what are some great chores for toddlers and preschoolers? Here are some ideas to get you started.

  1. Handing you grocery items to put in cabinets. Set the grocery bags on the floor and let them hand you one item at a time. If you use low cabinets for storing food, some preschoolers may have the skills to put grocery items on your pantry shelf without much assistance from you. (Don’t let little ones handle raw meat packages and wash their hands after they are finished helping just in case.)
  2. Laundry chores. Teaching colors? Let them help you sort the laundry, naming the colors as they go. Depending on the type of washer and dryer you own, many toddlers can take clothing and help move it from the washer to the dryer.
  3. Dusting, sweeping and mopping. Toy brooms and mops for children sweep and mop almost as well as adult sized brooms and mops. Make sure you clear the surfaces you want your children to dust to avoid breakage. These chores require a few more motor skills, so your children may be in preschool before they can do them.
  4. Help make their bed. Depending upon the age, size and skills of the child this may vary in meaning. Using a comforter makes it easier for younger children because there isn’t any tucking involved. Older children can help you make a fresh bed by perhaps putting a pillow in a new pillowcase or helping you smooth the sheets.
  5. Put away their toys. Your house and their room will seem less messy and chaotic if you get them in the habit of putting away one toy before they take out a new one. (Note: Toy chests can be problematic because of their lids. Consider using open baskets or a closet or cabinet for toy storage.)
  6. Dust baseboards. If your house is like mine, this chore goes to the bottom of the to-do list. Put socks on your children’s hands and let them have fun dusting baseboards.
  7. Put dirty clothes, towels and linens in the hamper.
  8. Wipe up spills. Their ability to do this independently will vary from child to child and with what has been spilled. They should never be asked to clean up hot spills or any kind of spill involving harsh chemicals like cleaning fluids.

Don’t forget that your children were not born automatically knowing how to do any of these chores. Teach them how you want the chores done. Always supervise young children doing chores – even if they are doing them well. Periodically talk about how important it is to always work hard and do our best at any “job” they are given. If you work with your children consistently, you are well on your way to giving them a great work ethic!

Please note that children should never be left unsupervised near any type of cleaning fluid and should not handle them – even if the tops are tightly fastened. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Call poison control if you even suspect your child may have come in contact with a cleaning fluid or ingested one.

Fun Family Devotional on Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

You are probably familiar with the third of the Ten Commandments, “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain…” (Exodus 20:7). You were probably taught and have taught your children that it means not to use the word “God” or “Jesus” as idle or curse words. We had a great sermon at our church yesterday, that explained these verses mean so much more than that. This deeper, fuller, richer understanding of this passage can help your children make better choices when they become Christians.

For a fun family devotional on the topic, pull out your wedding photos or those of other friends and relatives. Have some fun looking at the photos. After a few minutes, explain that historically and often even today, women “take the name” of the man they marry. While they don’t abandon the family in which they were raised, they are now associated with the family of their new last name. For example, anyone who meets me now associates the things I say and do with my current last name – that of my husband’s family and not my maiden name and family of birth.

This is the deeper meaning of the commandment. I won’t go into the original Hebrew word used and its meaning, but basically this passage goes beyond just using the Lord’s name as an expletive. It means don’t dishonor the name you have taken on in baptism – Christian (or in their case as God’s Chosen People). You can dishonor it by using the actual names God and Jesus in a disrespectful fashion, but you can also dishonor the name Christian, by acting in ungodly and sinful ways.

Ask your children to name some ways they might “take the Lord’s name in vain” in their lives. What are some things they might say or do that would cause others to think badly of Christians, God or Jesus and bring dishonor to God in the process? Point out that the commandment is not merely about not using the words as expletives- which is fairly easy – but honoring or glorifying God in all of their choices – speech, actions and attitude.

Your children may point out that this command is in the Old Testament and not the New Testament. Read Matthew 12:36-37, 1Corinthians 10:31, 1Peter 2:12 and Colossians 3:17. Ask them how these New Testament verses (there are others) reinforce the commandment in Exodus by restating the intent of the third commandment in various ways.

Family devotionals should end with a commitment from each participant about something he or she will do to be more like God would want them to be. For this devotional, some members of your family may need to be more careful of their speech – even eliminating OMG from their vocabulary. Other family members may choose another habit they have that reflects badly on God and work to get rid of it. Still others may choose to add something positive to their lives that will reflect God to those around them, like being friendly to everyone they see during the day. Remember to check back periodically to see how everyone is doing with their commitments and offering help to family members who are struggling to “not take the Lord’s name in vain”.

Raising Teachable (Christian) Kids

Ask any educator what makes a successful student and the answer could be summed up in one word – teachable. Have you ever tried to teach something to someone who had no intention of learning from you? It is one of the most frustrating experiences you will ever have. You can be the best, most successful educator that has ever lived, but you cannot force someone to learn what you are trying to teach them.

There are natural consequences built in when a student in school refuses to learn. If bad grades aren’t motivation enough, there may also be disciplinary consequences imposed by school leaders to emphasize the importance of being teachable. For children and teens who are being taught about God and the Bible in church classes, however, there don’t appear to be any immediate consequences. Grades aren’t given. Parents don’t seem to care enough to even do much when their children aren’t being taught anything of value, much less examine whether or not they are learning what is being taught.

Or you and your spouse may have found yourself frustrated when trying to teach your children about God at home. They may seem uninterested in learning what you are trying to teach them or are perhaps openly antagonistic about your attempts to teach. It may feel like a hopeless situation. Your kids can’t become faithful, productive Christians if they don’t know who God is and what He expects from them.

Whether or not your children are teachable has more to do with their character than what is being taught. Focusing on this list of character traits and behaviors will make it easier for you and others to teach your children about God (or about math for that matter.) Teachable children and teens are….

  1. Good listeners. If your children don’t listen carefully when they are being instructed, much of the information will be missed. There are lots of fun activities you can do to help improve your children’s listening skills.
  2. Humble. If your children think they are smarter than the person teaching them, they will rarely learn anything. Regularly reinforce that everyone has something to teach us – even if it is an example of how not to live our lives. They can only learn these sometimes critical lessons if they are humble.
  3. Curious. Learning is fueled by curiosity and master teachers know how to get students curious about a topic. If your kids are encouraged to be naturally curious, however, it won’t matter if their teacher knows how to spark their curiosity. They will already be curious.
  4. Tenderhearted. A tenderhearted child wants to please God. They want to learn how to please God. A child whose heart is hardening doesn’t care how God feels or about learning what He might want from them.
  5. Independent learners. Studies have shown young people need to be engaged spiritually an average of 14 hours a week in order to grow to be faithful, productive Christians as adults. They can’t possibly get it all from Bible classes or even you. They need to be independently engaged in spiritual disciplines like reading scripture, prayer, meditating on scripture, etc.
  6. ”Growth mindset.” For our purposes, this means that they are aware God wants them to continue to grow spiritually. They will never reach perfection, but they should always remain focused on growing as Christians.
  7. Life long learners. Connected to having a growth mindset, a life long learner realizes there is always something new to learn, understand or practice in the Bible – even if they have read it many times.
  8. Motivated to please God. The motivation to learn scripture like one would a subject in school will only help to a point. To really learn and use what God wants them to requires a strong motivation to please God – even when it is counter cultural, causes problems in their lives or goes against what they selfishly desire.

Are you raising teachable children? Working on this list of attributes can make it much more likely your children will learn and use what God wants them to know and live.