Top Tips For Helping Your Kids With Friendship Issues

Your kids are learning a lot about life in addition to all of the academic and other things they learn in a day. Perhaps one of the most important things they are learning is how to navigate relationships successfully. You would think that as important as relationships with family and friends are in life, someone would spend a lot of time actively teach children and teens how to have great ones, but no one really does.

So, young people are left to struggle with the old trial and error method. Some kids seem to instinctively know how to “make friends and influence people”, while others struggle their entire lives. Those who excel at relationships often have naturally engaging or outgoing personalities. Many also have great parents who teach them how to be a good friend as well as how to choose good friends.

But even the most savvy teen, will find times when it seems the world has gone mad. They may be hurt by a cutting remark, laughed at, teased, excluded, gossiped about or have any number of other relationship issues. If it’s the first time this negative behavior has been experienced, your children may be not only hurt, but at a loss as to what they should do next.

When they come to you for comfort and advice, it’s really important to handle it in a way that will help them as they grow older. Here are some of our top tips.

  1. Listen empathetically without adding too much fuel to the fire. Your kids need you to listen and empathize, but you don’t have to get them more upset than they already are. There is a huge difference between saying, “That must have hurt your feelings” and “I think I would have punched her if I were in your shoes”. One is expressing empathy, while the other could help the person become angrier than he or she already is.
  2. Don’t minimize their pain. Yes, you know that a breakup in their 20’s is much worse than the rejection of an elementary school crush, but telling your child that in the moment isn’t going to help. Neither are statements like, “What’s the big deal?”. Your child is upset. Feelings are feelings. Don’t add anger to the mix by not allowing them to feel what they are already feeling.
  3. Listen until there is nothing left to say. It’s tempting to try and get your kids to skip ahead to the end when you feel like you’ve gotten the gist of the situation. To process what happened, however, your child may need to tell you a lot more details. Cutting them off too quickly can left them feeling unheard and just add to their problems.
  4. Allow some time and space for calming. You may know your child needs to give the friend the benefit of the doubt or see the issue from the other perspective. In the heat of the moment, this is almost impossible to do. Give your child a little time to cool off before starting a conversation that addresses things they may need to change or do to “fix” the situation.
  5. Whenever possible guide, don’t tell. Young people often find it easier to do something when it feels like it was their idea and not forced upon them by their parents. Ask guiding questions to help them discover the correct path for themselves. Only intervene, if they just don’t seem to be getting the issue.
  6. Whenever possible, let them handle their issues themselves. Your kids don’t need you fussing at their friends or calling their friends’ parents to get them in trouble. This may happen in extreme cases, but should be the exception and not the rule.
  7. Encourage godly principles like forgiveness and reconciliation. At young ages, sometimes kids need to move on from a friendship. Even then though, they should be encouraged to forgive the other person and avoid trying to get some sort of revenge.
  8. Have regular conversations about how to choose good friends and how to be a good friend. Being a good friend is an important skill set. So is choosing friends who will be supportive and help you be your best self. Both need to be actively taught, but rarely are. Taking on the responsibility for teaching your kids will give them the instruction they need.

Being a great friend and choosing great friends takes time. Your kids may need your guidance from time to time. Make sure you are there for them when they need it.

The Resource Christian Parents Need to Have Great Conversations About Culture With Their Kids

Have you ever had one of your kids come home and say something as if it were truth, but it just didn’t sound right? Maybe you instinctively knew the statement was anti-biblical. Perhaps it just didn’t seem like it made sense in comparison to what God has to say about the topic. Or perhaps you knew the view was outright sinful.

What happens next is crucial. Parents tend to go one of two ways. They either have an immediate, strong reaction and begin preaching a sermon or they pretend the statement doesn’t bother them (while hoping their kids will somehow mysteriously realize the statement is problematic and reject it themselves). Either of these reactions can cause all sorts of problems for your kids’ faith and/or your relationship with them.

Or maybe you have tried to have a calm conversation with them about the topic, but found yourself at a loss to explain yourself and scripture in ways that they could understand. Maybe the conversation started out well enough, but then you felt like you couldn’t think of examples or explanations quickly enough. Wouldn’t it have been nice to have an expert by your side, guiding the conversation?!

I can’t provide someone to be with you in person, but I do have a suggestion that can help prepare you for many of these conversations before they ever happen. Live Your Truth and Other Lies by Alisa Childers is a must read for every Christian parent. Childers does one of the best jobs I have seen to date of breaking down many of the current ideas floating around in culture and looking at them from a biblical perspective.

Not only does she cover popular ideas like “Live your truth” and “God just wants you to be happy”, but she discusses them in a way that’s understandable without becoming condescending, “preachy” or too high brow. She does include lots of scripture, as well as quoting popular Christian books with questionable theology to help readers begin sorting out the truth from the cultural lies – even within Christianity.

Honestly, I think this would be a great book to read with many children in upper elementary and middle school, as well as high school. Get a copy for yourself and read it together. Find a time for a weekly “coffee” date to discuss how each of you feels about what she writes in each chapter. Let your kids talk first and really listen to what they are saying. Ask clarifying questions to make sure you are understanding them correctly before you give a counter view.

If you disagree with your child in these discussions, stay calm. Point out what you think were her most important points and scriptures. Add a few scriptures of your own or other examples. Don’t lose your temper, yell, call your children names or say hurtful things. For a few of you, your children may be saying things for your negative reaction – not because they even really believe what they are saying. Becoming angry only encourages them to continue saying and doing the opposite of what they think you want. A calm reaction will eliminate the fun and they will stop playing games.

On occasion, your children may want to go deeper than the book or explore a topic she doesn’t cover. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a minister, Bible teacher or other trusted Christian. Be willing to admit when you don’t know the answer and work together to find what God has to say about the topic in scripture. Never shut down the conversation because you are embarrassed. Showing a willingness to learn with your kids can be the best lesson you teach them.

Whether you use this book to help you or not, make sure you talk about the messages in culture and how God feels about them. If you don’t, chances are great your kids will believe the lies Satan tells them through the world around them.

Should Christian Parents Serve Their Children?

The other day I saw a cartoon on social media of a parent in a butler’s outfit bringing their child’s lunch to school on a silver platter. The caption accused parents of being their children’s butlers instead of their parents. You may be nodding your head in agreement for a variety of reasons, but as Christians this topic is a little more complex than it may seem on the surface.

People often think that Christianity is about the extremes, but the reality is that often Christianity requires balancing multiple commands and principles that at first glance may seem in contradiction or conflict. Doing that well is important for successful Christian parenting.

So what are the conflicting biblical commands or principles regarding serving your children? The two obvious ones are the commands to serve others and the command to “work as if working for the Lord”. If you constantly serve your children – never making them do anything for themselves – they will probably grow up and have a really difficult time having a godly work ethic. Why? Because habits begun in childhood are often the most difficult to break.

On the other hand, if your child has a chore to walk the dog and is overwhelmed with homework one night…. If you force him or her to complete the chore, he or she may do it, but it just adds to the already overwhelming stress. On the other hand, this is a wonderful way to model a servant heart for your child and offer to walk the dog “just this once” so your child can focus on the homework.

One of the five love languages is performing acts of service for the other person. Your children need you to serve them at times in order to feel truly loved. On the other hand, they don’t need to live a life of leisure where their only work is schoolwork and activities. That’s not an accurate reflection of what adult life is and will set them up for major shock and issues in several areas when they are independent.

So serve your children. Just don’t become their servants. It’s not good for either one of you or your relationship.

5 Reasons Your Kids Need Fewer Activities in Their Lives

If you are like many families, you rarely see your children during the school year. It’s not just school itself, but all of the activities in which your children participate. There are classes, practices, rehearsals, games and performances. Most young people have to squeeze in homework and sleep in the very few hours that remain in their days.

The truth is that many children and teens have far busier schedules than many adults. Perhaps you think they enjoy being in scheduled activities, and they probably do to some extent. They may enjoy the things they are doing and spending time with friends. Or perhaps they enjoy the social clout that comes from participating in certain groups. There is no question that there are some good things that can be gotten from organized activities. The question is, are there better things that could come from having more unscheduled time in their days and weeks?

I am old enough now to have watched several generations of children grow up. Some things change, while others stay the same. Even within a time period, different families have different priorities. I’ve seen what parents have done and the resulting faith of their children as adults. Certain parenting choices make a huge difference. One of the key things O have learned is that most children and teens need more unstructured time in their days, with parents nearby or engaged with them. Why? Here are five key benefits I think young people will receive from having this extra free and device free time.

  1. They have more time for rest, which often results in better attitudes and behavior. Encourage them to go to bed early or lie on their bed or a comfortable sofa in the afternoon with no electronics. They can read, sketch or write…. or just sit and think. With low lights and a quiet house, those who are tired will quickly fall asleep and get the extra rest they need. If your kids aren’t getting enough sleep, they will struggle with their health and their mental health. Give them some extra time for sleep in their day. It may just make life more pleasant for all of you.
  2. They have more time to actually think through or process everything they are learning about God and the world around them. Good lessons are designed to make kids think. If they don’t have the time to complete a thought, the potential the lesson had to change their hearts and minds is short circuited or lost. Giving them free time with no devices encourages thinking.
  3. They have time to be creative, explore potential gifts and develop ones they have already discovered. They’ll also have time to find ways to serve God with their gifts. Okay, this one does seem to encourage activities. Instead of all of their time being spent in classes perfecting gifts though, have lots of things around your house that encourage creativity. Give your kids space to start something creative and leave it out to work on for a time. Give them free time and encourage them to use it to explore and try new things using the things you have in your home. If they get a great idea, encourage them to try it out and see if it works. Schools can kill creativity, but your kids will need it to live a successful Christian life. Give them the time and space to grow the creativity their school days have lessened.
  4. They will have time to build their faith. Help them create a cozy space for Bible study and prayer. Encourage them to experiment with Bible journaling or scripture art. Give them the time and space to serve God by helping others independently. If their activities have made them miss worship services and Bible classes then they are missing key faith builders. Plus you are teaching them God is only another activity for when there is nothing else better to do. Make time for God to be the top priority in their lives.
  5. They will have time to be loved, supported and coached by you. I know. You are showing your love and support by paying for those activities and attending their events. Not to mention the hours spent shuttling them from activity to activity. All of that is fine, but it does not take the place of spending large amounts of quality time being nurtured by you. Resilience is based in large part on having a strong relationship with loving, nurturing parents. Truly resilient children have spent a lot of one on one time with parents talking about anything and everything, having fun doing something together (interacting as you work together on something or sharing an experience), or working together around your home. The difference may seem subtle, but it’s actually significant.

Sit down with your kids and look at their schedules. What can you cut back or remove entirely? The pressure from the world around you to over schedule your kids is real and overwhelming at times. The argument that it will make things better for your children can be persuasive. As a Christian parent, this is one of those times you will need to be countercultural to do what is actually best for your kids. Give them the free (and device free) time to grow to be who God wants them to be.

5 Ways to Start Your Kids’ School Day Off Right

Have you ever woken up “on the wrong side of the bed”? It seems like you just woke up in a bad mood and everything that happened for the next few hours just confirmed that your mood was the right choice for the day.

What if something happened that shifted your mood and attitude before it got a chance to become entrenched for the entire day? Would you have made different choices? Hurt less people? Done better at whatever you were doing that day? Been more pleasant? Had more joy?

Many kids start the school day off “on the wrong side of the bed”. They didn’t get enough sleep the night before and the morning in their house was chaotic. They may have even been yelled at multiple times or given consequences for when they return home from school. How easy do you think it is for them to learn and have healthy friendships when they start their school day in that frame of mind?

It doesn’t have to be that way for your children. There are five things you can do each morning that probably won’t take more than an extra 15 or 20 minutes – if that. If you can do them, however, everyone should start their day in a much better frame of mind and have a much better day.

  1. Sit down at the table together for 15 minutes. I know, my daughter was not a breakfast eater either. That’s okay. That child can still sit down at the table and have something to drink for hydration. Studies have shown sitting down at the table for at least one meal a day has all sorts of positive repercussions for kids. Since dinners can be tougher, make the effort to have breakfast together – even if it’s just Poptarts!
  2. Read a verse from Proverbs as your family’s theme verse for the day. This may take a little effort, but to make it easier choose the chapter each day that matches the date on the calendar and then read a Proverb from that chapter. Bonus points if you talk about what it means and how you can use that wisdom that day.
  3. Pray over your kids. This can be done at the table, before they walk out the door or in the car on the way to school (drivers keep your eyes open please!). Make it short and sweet, but ask God to watch over them, bless them and help them to be who He wants them to be during the day.
  4. Remind them “whose they are” as you say goodbye. A friend of mine sent her kids off every morning with a call to remember “whose they are”. It was a not so subtle reminder to be who God wants them to be. You can use your own words, but a reminder to make good choices during the day can’t hurt.
  5. Give them a hug and tell them you love them. Even days that start off great can get rough. They need to know to their very core that you love and support them – even when they mess up. It is what makes them resilient.

Full disclosure. We didn’t always get this right when our daughter was little. The days we did though, just seemed a little brighter and less chaotic. Have trouble getting everyone up in time? The easy fix is to make bedtimes fifteen minutes earlier each night until everyone can get up and to the table on time. Miss a day or miss a few things for a couple of days? Don’t worry! Just start the next morning. You may just find you want to add this to your weekend morning routine, too!