Category: Parent/Child Relationship

Reducing Your Child’s Resistance

Have you ever asked, told or suggested your child do (or not do) something and watched as your child seemed to be determined to do the exact opposite? Were you surprised, because you knew your child had agreed what he or she was now trying to do wasn’t in his or her best interest? Call it push back, stubbornness, resistance or rebellion – it is actually a natural human tendency that is encouraged by Satan.

It is the same dynamic that was in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve only had one “don’t” command (as far as we know). Do not eat the fruit of that one tree. It didn’t take much effort on the part of Satan to convince them eating the fruit of that tree was the one thing they just had to do – even though they knew terrible things would happen when they did.

So how can you convince your children to obey you and God when Satan knows just what to say to get them to push back at rules, commands and godly advice? For many young people the key is framing the commands, rules and advice as God does (but man has somehow often missed as we teach others those commands).

The most important factor in parenting push back from children is the parenting style. Authoritarian parenting sets the ground for push back and rebellion. It consists of strict rules, harsh enforcement and a general lack of a loving relationship. Authoritarian parents often tend to portray God as authoritarian also, which is why many children of authoritarian parents also tend to reject God as adults.

Permissive parents rarely have rules and are unlikely to enforce the ones they have or give any consequences when rules are broken. This style leads children to believe they make the rules and can disobey rules created by anyone else if they don’t like them. Permissive parents tend to portray God as permissive which is why these children either grow up to reject God as unnecessary or to rewrite the Bible’s commands to their liking.

The authoritative parenting style is the least likely to encourage rebellion or even strong push back. While rules may still be strict, they are enforced consistently with firm, but loving consequences when broken. The relationship between parent and child is loving and the parent is attentive and nurturing. It is the style of parenting used by God as He parents us. The rules and advice in authoritative parenting are always in the best interest of the child. They aren’t based on the whim of the parent or in an attempt to micromanage the life choices of the child. The authoritative parent tends to portray God as authoritative and their children are the most likely to become strong, productive Christians as adults.

There is another factor in reducing push back, however. If you pay close attention, God never forces us to obey Him. He makes it clear we have free choice. The choice to obey or disobey is always ours. In the book The Catalyst, author Jonah Berger calls the tendency to push back, reactance. One of his suggestions is to give people the information they need to support the rule or advice, while also reminding them of their freedom to choose.

In Christian parenting, this often looks like having more in depth discussions about God’s commands. Why does God say it is a sin to get drunk? What are the negative things that can happen when one is drunk? When does one cross the line from drinking to drunk (and how close does one really want to get to that line – when God’s definition may differ from the legal one)? Couple these conversations with a reminder that while whether or not to drink alcohol at all will ultimately be a decision they make at age 21, for now it is against the law and not an option, and you can minimize push back.

For younger children, it can help to give them options that are all acceptable to you. When the child resists and suggests an unsuitable option, reminding him or her while that option isn’t available, there are still multiple options on the table, can reduce push back. For younger children, try to provide only two or three options on your list. If you offer too many choices, the child can become overwhelmed and revert back to the simple unacceptable choice.

Finally, with older children, try to understand their reasons for pushing back. You don’t have to agree with their thinking, but understanding what it is can often help you find a way to remove the obstacle to compliance. You may find it isn’t actually about your rule or advice, but rather the timing or presentation of it. Or it may be a misunderstanding one of you has about part of the conversation or terms used by you. Getting to the root of the problem can make it a lot easier for both of you to find common ground.

The answer to push back is never to give up setting appropriate boundaries or giving godly advice. Rather it is finding ways to communicate so that your child has no desire to push back at what is in his or her best interest.

Can the Hygge Fad Enhance Christian Parenting?

New trends often attempt to reverse issues caused by current trends. It’s no wonder then that after several years of living in an isolated, cold, high tech world, the Danish idea of hygge is becoming popular in the U.S. So what is hygge? Is it a good thing? More importantly, can it enhance your Christian parenting efforts?

Before we get too far, hygge is a Danish term pronounced hyoo gah (like the name Hugh and with a hard ”g” in the second syllable). There is no direct translation in English, which of course makes it feel more special and exotic to us. Probably the closest English words would be terms like cozy, homey, warm and fuzzy, comforting, embracing and the like.

While summers in Denmark are pretty close to my definition of perfect – not too hot and daylight hours that basically never end – the winters are cold and very, very dark. Areas like that in the U.S. often have extremely high rates of depression, but the Danes credit hygge for keeping their spirits high – consistently ranking as one of the happiest populations in Europe.

Just like many trends, hygge is not inherently good or evil. A lot depends upon the individual and how he or she incorporates the various common elements. For example, comforting foods and desserts play a large role in hygge. Eaten in moderation, there is nothing particularly wrong with cake. If someone trying to create a hygge environment eats an entire cake at every meal, however, then the sin of gluttony comes into play.

Personally, I believe adding elements of hygge to your home can create the loving Christian home atmosphere most of us want. It encourages children to want to stay home more and invite their friends over. It’s also great for entertaining and we know that hospitality is not only commanded in scripture, but leads to higher success rates in Christian parenting. The good news is that you don’t necessarily have to spend a lot of money to make your home more hygge. If you do decide to purchase items, IKEA can provide low cost items that are hygge since many other Nordic countries have similar ideas.

For a quick primer in hygge, you can read the book The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking. In general, you want low lighting – like that from candles and fireplaces. Unplug from technology and wear comfortable clothes – the fuzzier and cozier the better, so break out the sweats, pjs and fuzzy socks. Food and people play a big role in hygge. Wiking suggests having people bring the ingredients for a meal and everyone work together in the kitchen to cook it (and yes, I too wonder how big their kitchens are). The food tends to be comfort food, so think pasta, potatoes, stews and desserts – their favorites are cakes and chocolates.

The people element is where things get interesting. Think friends and family with everyone having equal time in conversation. There is a sense of gratitude, harmony and a lack of arguments and drama in conversations. Think the perfect Norman Rockwell painting or episode of The Waltons and you are probably close to completing the hygge environment.

This social element has become rare in the U.S. over the last few years because of an anger that tends to accompany any discussion of differences, so you may need to make some rules that everyone agrees to follow until warmth and civility become habits again. The hygge ”rules” should be standard in your home – even when you don’t have guests. Loving, supportive interactions should be the norm in your grateful home.

And don’t forget hugs! The word hygge is thought to be linguistically related to the word hug and hugs are certainly hygge. Not only do they communicate your love for your children, but hugs can reduce stress and lower levels of aggression and anxiety. The old standard was eight hugs a day per person – at a minimum. Even if more recent studies question the exact number, it is still a healthy goal for your family.

So give hygge a try in your home and see what happens. Avoid any possible pitfalls, like gluttony, and embrace the good points. You may find your family is happier and you have more opportunities to teach your children the things God wants them to know.

5 Surprising Bible Verses That Will Make You a Better Parent

Whenever Christians discuss parenting, everyone knows they will immediately refer to a couple of the most well known verses that directly address parenting. In fact, many Christians have heard them so many times, they automatically tune out when they start hearing them. There are some other verses, however, that while on the surface address other issues, can be extremely helpful for parents. Here are five of my favorites.

  • Matthew 5:37 “Say only “yes” if you mean “yes” and “no” if you mean “no”. Anything else is from the evil one.” Yes, this verse is about keeping promises and being trustworthy, but it applies to our children and parenting them as well. Wishy washy parenting doesn’t feel safe to children. Failing to keep our promises to them wounds them in ways that can be hard to heal. Obeying the command in this verse will make your parenting more effective (because it is consistent) and improve the trust your children have in you (and your relationship as a result).
  • Philippians 2:3 “In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble and honor others more than yourselves.” It’s so easy to accidentally slip into selfish parenting. We can even get really good at hiding our selfishness behind the guise of great parenting (If I am happy, my children will be happy.). We can also make parenting decisions based more on what we think makes us look good to others than what is actually in the best interest of our children. Great Christian parenting is neither selfish nor prideful.
  • Philippians 4:8 “Brothers and sisters, continue to think about what is good and worthy of praise. Think about what is true and honorable and right and beautiful and respected.” Nothing good comes from allowing yourself and your children to be constantly surrounded and engaging with things that are dark, depressing, violent, etc. Make this verse the motto for your home – everyone will benefit.
  • Matthew 28:19-20 “So go and make followers of all people in the world. Baptize them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach them to obey everything that I have told to you.” Did you realize Jesus gave all Christians the command to help others become Christians? Notice something interesting though? The part about teaching them to obey all things is after the command to baptize them! Many Christian parents believe their job is done as soon as their children come out of the baptism waters. The reality is that the important teaching about how to live the Christian life continues long after baptism. Your job of coaching your kids on living the Christian life never truly ends (although it changes a bit as they become adults).
  • 1 Kings 1:6 ”…Adonijah was a very handsome man. King David never corrected his son Adonijah and he never made him explain his actions. Adonijah became very proud…” There are a number cautionary parenting stories in the Bible, but this is one of the few that draws a very strong line between poor parenting and the negative consequences it creates for the child, the parent and everyone around them.

Paying attention to these verses can automatically improve your parenting. Do you have other favorite verses that help your parenting, but aren’t one of the favorite parenting verses? We would love for you to go to our Facebook page and share them with our community!

What’s Your Parenting Tone?

Did someone ever say to you, ”It’s not what you said, but how you said it”? The ”how you said it” means your attitude, your body language, the tone in your voice. It is possible to say the words ”I love you” and make the person believe we really meant to say ”I hate you”. While the words we say to our children are vitally important, our tone may or may not communicate the same message as our words.

Often people are unaware of the tone they project to others. This can be especially true with our children – who may also may be more sensitive to tone than adults. Tone is often tricky when we correct our children because we can unknowingly reflect the same tone our parents used with us – including the very phrases and facial expressions we promised ourselves we would never use with our own children.

It is important to understand that a firm tone is fine when giving correction – assuming there is love behind the firmness that is well known in normal communications with your children. Overly harsh, angry and disgusted tones should be avoided whenever possible. A sarcastic tone is tricky. Not only can it go over the heads of your children, but if they adopt your tone and use it with other adults, they will often be considered disrespectful.

Remember, when you are tired, hungry or having a bad day, it will be easier for you to slip into tones that actually undermine your parenting. It is also possible to get into bad habits and find it difficult to switch back to using more supportive, loving tones. Unsure what tones you are using? Ask your spouse or other adults who see you interact with your kids. Or if you are really brave – ask your kids (bonus – understanding tone will help them in literature class!). Don’t let your tone undermine what you are trying to accomplish in your parenting.

6 Christian Parenting Assumptions That Are Hurting Your Kids

Parenting advice is often passed from generation to generation. Or perhaps it is acquired from a Podcast, blog, book or magazine article. Usually, we use our “gut” to decide whether or not to accept this advice as valid. If an “expert” gives the advice, or it’s written in a book, years of education have taught us to assume it is probably the best advice we can get on the topic and we will try to follow it.

Or maybe you are parenting by your “gut” entirely – assuming your “intuition” will warn you whether or not something is “good” parenting. The most common parenting advice often comes via parents at the same stage of life as we are – popularity and “common knowledge” mean the advice works – right?

Experienced parents can tell you that not all parenting experts are right. What’s popular is likely a trend – one that may be rejected as harmful to your child in the future. Parenting peers generally don’t know much more than we do about what will work -and what appears to be working now could have negative repercussions in the future. Not to mention, parenting experts are often secular and don’t necessarily make sure their ideas align with God’s ultimate wisdom.

Talk to experienced Christian parents who have raised children who are active, productive Christians as adults and there are certain bits of parenting “wisdom” that they know young parents should ignore. Often the advice is based on some erroneous assumptions about children and teens.

  • “My kids don’t need very much of my time and attention as long as they get “quality” time from me.” It takes a lot of time and energy to raise a child who will grow up to be an active, productive Christian. One study found 14 hours a week need to be spent in Bible study, prayer, conversations about God and other interactions between parents and children focused on their spiritual education. The average parent spends only a few minutes a day talking to their children and most of that is logistical. Christian parenting that is successful usually involves a large quantity of quality time that also includes God in some way.
  • “If I’m happy, my kids will be happy./Kids are resilient, so my choices don’t matter” While miserable parents probably do have miserable kids – for the most part – this assumption has a fatal flaw. It is based on a selfish premise – I should do whatever makes me happy and of course my kids will be happy because I parent better when I am happy. It has been used as an excuse by too many parents who are making choices that they know in their hearts will hurt their children. I read a lot of research about how the decisions of parents impact their children. The decisions that are usually justified with this bit of “wisdom” absolutely hurt the children of the parents who make them. Sometimes, circumstances force these choices, but being honest about the real negative impact on your kids makes it more likely you will take steps to try and help your children process and heal from the choice.
  • “My teens don’t need or want my involvement in their lives.” While they may be reluctant to admit it, your teens need your involvement in their lives – they just need it to look a little different than they did when they were kids. If you have helped them build a strong faith foundation and taught them plenty of Christian life skills, you shouldn’t have to micromanage their choices. In fact, the closer they are to adulthood – the more they should be allowed to make their own decisions. Your role? Think of yourself as an advisor. They need to bounce new ideas off you. They often want to hear your opinions and more importantly why you think the way you do. They want to know any applicable examples from your own life or the lives of others you know who were faced with similar choices. They want to know what God would think of their various options. What they don’t need is you to make every choice for them, but they absolutely want and need you in their lives. (If your relationship is troubled, they want the parent they wish you were to be there for them – which is a deeper issue.)
  • “My kids are getting all of the “Bible education” they need at church. Not all churches and ministries are the same, but the study mentioned earlier would suggest that even faithful attenders are still lacking about ten hours of instruction and coaching a week. Churches just don’t have enough time to give your kids everything they need, to know how to be active, productive Christians as adults.
  • “————— is common knowledge. My kids already know that.” The problem with common knowledge is that it is still taught in some way. You may not remember someone teaching you to brush your teeth or to pray, but you were either taught how to do it intentionally or you learned it by observation, reading or in some other way. If something is important, be intentional about teaching it to your children.
  • “Children should be allowed to work out their disagreements without adult intervention.” Anyone who knows me knows this particular piece of advice sends me into a tizzy. Children need to be actively taught how to resolve conflicts in godly ways – otherwise, they will likely spend their entire life resolving conflicts like a five year old. Look around our world and you will see the need for teaching your children healthy, godly ways to resolve conflicts.

Let go of these assumptions and your children will benefit. Don’t wait until they are adults to make changes – it will be difficult to undo any damage that was done.