Category: Parent/Child Relationship

What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas! Get it? Dad’s are famous for their “dad jokes” – silly jokes that make their kids laugh and groan at the same time. Dad jokes are fun (even when mom tells them!), but other aspects of humor can actually hurt your kids.

Studies have found children surrounded by positive humor and who develop a positive sense of humor are more resilient, and the humor tends to have a positive impact on their physical and mental health. This is particularly true if the child learns to look for the humor in a negative situation. Humor can also help their relationships when jokes are shared with others – unless those jokes are at the expense of others.

That is where humor gets a bit tricky. Many families view teasing one another as a form of acceptable humor. Unfortunately, teasing is often hurtful and when allowed to continue for a long period of time about the same topic, can damage a child’s self image. When teasing, it is important to consider the topic and the child’s personality. A one time gentle ribbing about a “certain someone” circling around looking for an excuse to start a conversation (implication, because he or she liked the child being teased) is very different from a child being called “thunder thighs” in teasing for several years.

It is important to remember a child’s self image and self esteem are delicate. While you don’t want your child to have self esteem that is too high, giving your child low self esteem is also unhealthy and easier than you would imagine. I don’t care how thin your daughter is or how strong your son may be. If you continually tease her about being fat or him of being weak, they will begin to view themselves that way – regardless of the image in the mirror or what others may say.

Also watch for signs of aggressive humor. Aggressive humor is often used to make someone else look bad in order to make the “jokesters” feel better about their own self image. This type of humor can be teasing, but in it’s most aggressive form is openly mocking others to intentionally embarrass or hurt them.

Self deprecating humor – making fun of oneself – is often perceived positively by others and can be a sign of a healthy self image. Used to the extreme though, it can be harmful to your child. Watch for signs that show a constant use of self deprecating humor, especially when coupled with other signs of poor self esteem.

It’s important to remember these types of humor can be found in styles of humor ranging from slapstick to dry. The content is what is important more so than the style of delivery. Certain styles might incorporate more negative humor, but any style is susceptible to it.

Your children’s humor will be influenced by your sense of humor as well as the humor in any content they read or watch. Take some time to monitor your own humor. Is it mean or aggressive to yourself or others? Are your kids watching shows that make constant use of mocking and aggressive humor? Switching to gentler types of humor can make your kids more resilient, healthier and honestly godlier – as aggressive humor does not accurately reflect God’s love to others. It’s worth considering and discussing with your kids.

You could be the best parent in the world and there will be things your kids don’t tell you. Maybe they don’t think it’s important. Maybe they are worried about your reaction – even if there is no need for them to worry. Maybe they are embarrassed.

Your kids are right…to a point. Some of those things they don’t share with you are relatively inconsequential. If they told you every single thought they had, neither of you would get anything done. On the other hand, there are some thoughts they have that you really need to know. Things they may desperately want you to help them sort through, but are reluctant to tell you.

There is a book titled, “Things I Wish My Teacher Knew”. It argues that teachers would be much more effective if they had crucial information about the things their students choose not to share with them. The same is true for Christian parenting. You may be missing key bits of information that could help you parent more effectively. And you are missing these bits of information because your kids have chosen not to share them with you.

Those are the things you must make safe for them to tell you. Otherwise, they will be struggling alone or with the help of equally inexperienced peers. Creating a safe space for them to share these thoughts isn’t overly complicated. They need a time and place where they have your full attention and some privacy. They need you to listen actively – seeking to understand before you seek to help or correct. They need to know you aren’t going to have an emotional explosion- erupting anger all over them if what they say is upsetting to you.

They will test you with easy things at first. They won’t know they are testing you of course, but they are. They will tell you something that they are pretty sure you won’t get upset about and see how you react. Then when that goes well consistently, they may tell you something where there is a risk you will get a little upset with them. Only after you have earned their trust (or if they are so miserable and desperate, they talk regardless), will they truly open their hearts and share all of those thoughts you need to know.

In my ministry, I see kids who are struggling all of the time. Kids who desperately want help, but who are afraid to ask their parents for it. They may be acting out in hopes of their parents paying enough attention to them to realize how much they are struggling. In these situations, I am heart broken for the struggling young person and heart broken for their parents, who often have no idea how much their children are struggling.

If you try creating a safe space for your kids to open up and they still aren’t talking, try asking them if they did something they knew would make you angry – would they tell you. If not, ask them what you could do differently so they would feel like they could tell you anything. They need to know you will love them through the consequences you may have to give them. You will help them problem solve even if the problem itself is breaking your heart. You are and always will be their best advocate and will do anything you can to help them spend eternity in Heaven.

Kids are interesting people. If your child is of a certain age, you may be very familiar with the refrain, “I know, I know,” that your child often begins repeating before you can get two words out of your mouth. Or maybe you aren’t sure your children know how much you love (and like) them. Or perhaps there is a “delicate” topic you want to discuss with your child, but feel like you and/or your child will be too uncomfortable to have the thorough conversation that is needed. The answer is often writing a note or letter to your child.

Parents who have tried this often find their notes are read and re-read. The wisdom and love you put in the note will be there for your child to read when you may not be readily available. Your children can consider what you wanted them to know privately at their own pace. They can even remind your children how much you will always love them when you are in a rough patch with your relationship.

There are a few important things to remember as you write your notes to your kids.

• Write the note by hand, but print clearly. Handwritten notes just feel more personal. If your kids can’t read your handwriting though, they may always wonder what you meant to say….or worse yet misread a word as something you would never have written.
• Keep the tone positive. Even if you want to impart concerns to your child, try to keep the overall tone of your letter or note positive. If you write harsh words, they may be read for many years…long after you have calmed down or the situation has improved. It’s not the legacy of your relationship you want to leave behind.
• Be specific. “You are a great kid!” is wonderful, but it’s even more meaningful for your child if you mention some specific things that make him or her so wonderful to you. Generalities aren’t necessarily bad, but they can leave your child wondering if you are secretly using some fill in the name generic template for the note.
• Mention their future with God. You don’t necessarily have to add this to every note, but it’s great to give your kids a peek at the future you are dreaming for them as servants of God. What kid doesn’t want to know God has planned good deeds specifically for them?!
• Connect with them emotionally. Notes are great for giving vent to all those “mushy” emotions about your kids that they may complain about when you say them. They still need to hear them, but writing them down allows them to reread those words whenever they want to remind themselves of your love for them.
• Encourage, encourage, encourage. Your kids need to know you believe in them. They need to know that even when they make mistakes or sin, you believe they can still become who God wants them to be with His help. They need to know it’s okay to keep growing and learning – even if they make some mistakes in the process. They need to know that redemption and forgiveness are always possible.

So pull out some paper and a pen. Use plain paper or cute notes. Add artwork or doodles. Once you’re done, slip it on their pillow where they can’t miss it. You may just be surprised to find out how much those notes really mean to your kids.

You’ve probably heard of the five love languages, but did you know your kids need a little of all of them? When they are hurting or upset, they will probably have one or two they prefer. The rest of the time, they need you to give them some of all five.

There’s a fun way to shower your kids with words of affirmation. While it would seem that “words of affirmation” is one of the easier ways to express love, if you aren’t careful, it can backfire. To make this activity fun, you will need lots of hearts on which you can write words. For each child, create as many hearts as you can with words of affirmation for that child.

As you create your hearts, there are some important things to remember.

• Make them personal. If each child gets hearts with the exact same words on them, it won’t feel genuine. And yes, at some point they will compare.
• Make them specific. “I love it when you laugh at my silly dad jokes” is more meaningful than “You have a nice laugh.”
• Make them uplifting, not passive aggressive. “I love it when you brush your teeth” when it has been an ongoing struggle does not feel loving, it feels like another frustrated reminder.
• Be honest. Don’t say “I love spending time with you” when most of the time you aren’t around and they have to jump up and down to get any attention from you at all. Don’t say “I love how sweet you are to your little sister” when they’ve heard you tell your friends multiple times how mean you think they are to her. Kids have a very strong understanding of honesty. Don’t try to be less than honest with them.
• Make them mushy. They will moan and grown, but secretly they will treasure that you wrote that her smile when she sees you after school makes your day better. This is a great way to say all of those things to older kids that they never let you finish saying.
• Make it fun. Have them taped to their door one morning when they wake up or put the cereal in a baggie and fill the empty box with your hearts, so when they pour their cereal the hearts fill their bowl. Have fun with it. Don’t feel like you have to wait for Valentine’s Day or their birthdays. If you rotate kids, make sure they all get a turn and each child gets about the same number and quality of hearts when it is his or her turn.

Showering your kids periodically with words of affirmation can help them understand how much you really do love them. And that can make it easier for them to build strong spiritual foundations and reach their godly potential.